Episode 60

(Ed. On the occasion of episode 60, a double dip of satire!)

NBA and CFL have team chaplains!

Toronto, ON In a rare moment of radio journalism, a Canadian chaplain, Herbie Kuhn, revealed he is doubly employed with the Toronto Raptors of the National Basketball Association (NBA), and the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League (CFL).

(Side note, both teams operate under the umbrella on Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) to complete the initialism trifecta in this piece.)

“Bless you fans for supporting my gigs”

As peculiar as it seems to have one guy offering spiritual assistance to two different sports team, who knew sports teams had chaplains?

“Yeah, it is a pretty sweet GG*,” Kuhn added officiously.

(*GG = God gig in chaplain-speak) (Ed. That Is 4 initialisms!)

When asked if he prays for wins for his flock of sweaty men, Kuhn was quick with the denial.

“Working for two professional teams in Canada, I have enough praying to keep my teams viable, let alone ensuring a field-goal-kicker splits the uprights!”

When asked about salary discrepancy between the leagues, Kuhn instantly declared, “Oh an entire CFL team’s salary is a fraction of one NBA player’s salary, so I really have to be careful in my dealings. I have to respect that a defensive guard may not be able to tithe near as much as an NBA point guard.”

The interviewer pointed out Herbie Kuhn also performs as the in-house announcer for the Raptors.

Muzzled so incessant praying doesn’t upset fans

It is assumed Kuhn took on the announcer role with the Raptors to compensate for his “mentoring” of the Argonauts.

NASA sending sexy pics to space!

Houston, TX – There was news recently suggesting NASA intends to send “dick pics”, and “titty teasers” into space in hopes of attracting aliens. The aliens are both pissed off, and excited.

Speaking through a Babel Fish in its sprogorm, Zardoz “Wanker” Lubewaster was visibly engorged.

“For fuck sake!, he ejaculated, “It has been 50 years since Pioneer perked my particular svermage appendage, if you know what I mean. What took so damn long?”

Plaque on Pioneer depicted naked humans, among other useless things

“Those 2D representations were quite enticing,” Lubewaster continued to ejaculate. When my neighbour, William “Longschlong” Svermagemeister, literally streamed Total Recall in 18 years later, we were hooked!”

A 50% bonus in 3D

By now, what we can only assume to be knee-deep in ejaculate, Zardoz spewed one more request.

“Hey, NASA! My buddy, Svermage-Spewer “Dustbowl” McSchloffelonger would like you to throw in a case of this KY lubricant we have been hearing about. Oh, and a bucket, please. Perhaps a dumpster is in order.”


2022 05 30

Author: dougzone22

Canadian. My posts will be like the beer I drink: crafty!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: