Mound of earth deemed “really ugly” by neighbours

Scarborough, ON – “This pile of dirt is really ugly, and an eyesore to the nearby neighbours,” whined one resident of this borough in eastern Toronto. “Something should be done about!”

The two hectare parcel of land was originally proposed as a site for a sports field, but when that plan was cancelled, the owner began storing soil from nearby construction projects.  That collection of earth has grown to a height of 15 metres, so is visible to residents who live to its south side.

Dirt pile as seen from a satellite

Residents have noted detectable runoff when it rains, and blowing dust when the material is dry.

When approached for comment, the hill was quite upset.

Human made “eyesore” has feelings too

“They treat me like dirt!” Mounty McMountain bellowed. “I would prefer terms like loam, topsoil, or earth actually.”

Our interpreter continued to seek input about McMountain’s feelings.

“It’s not like I chose to be here,” it added. “Parts of me were brought here one at a time by other humans, right!”

McMountain provides great view of downtown Toronto

Get up on top of me, and enjoy a free view of downtown Toronto,” Mounty added without prompting.

Mrs. & Mr. Grumpy Neighbour scowl for the camera

When asked to comment on the neighbours’ complaints, McMountain offered, “I don’t control the wind, and rain. I can hardly be held responsible for the runoff, nor the dust.”

In an attempt to clear the air, McMountain howled, “I think Scarborough is a great place! It gets a pretty bad ride in the press, but has produced some great people in its history. I want to thank your interpreter for hearing me out; he is really down to Earth!”


2022 09 19

Ocean-floor-mining concept faces pressure

Vancouver, BC – A Vancouver company would like to be the first to mine the Clarion-Clipperton Zone (CCZ) in the Pacific Ocean. The goal of the project is to gather polymetallic nodules that are found lying on the ocean floor. The nodules have formed naturally over millions of years, and contain cobalt, copper, manganese and nickel. These minerals are seen as essential for the production of solar panels, and electric cars.

Oval marks the spot on this treasure map!

Seeking input from locals, we approached what appeared, in the extremely dim light, to be a kiosk.

“Get you polymetallic nodules here!” exclaimed a sea cucumber named Gummy “Einstein” Squirrel by it’s friends.

Gummy in a quieter moment

“Hello!” we offered.

To which Gummy screamed, “Why are you yelling, for fuck sake!”?

Apparently, at a depth of 4 000 metres, sound carries really well.

Whispering, we rejoined with, “A lot of water pressure here, eh?”

“God damn right”, Gummy retorted quietly.

Then his Einstein nickname took over the conversation.

“To calculate water pressure, you need to know P = p·h·g, where p is the liquid’s density, h is the depth, and g, of course, is acceleration due to gravity. For sea water p = 1023.6 kg/mᴲ, h = 4000, and g = 9.8 m/s2. That works out to 40 125 kPa. Your normal air pressure up there where you live is about 101 kPa. In seabed parlons, it will crush your coconut!”

Polymetallic nodules abound in the CCZ

One more question was enough for us, “What do you think of the plan to mine this area for your nodules?”

“To put it mildly, it pisses me off! In 1978 an experimental “miner” vacuumed the ocean floor. It sucked up many of my friends, and all of the nodules. That area lies barren to this day,” Gummy added miserably.

At press time, a team of Israeli engineers, archeologists, and geneticist were rumoured to be preparing to clone Moses, in hope that he would be willing to part the Pacific Ocean over the CCZ to facilitate polymetallic-nodule extraction.


2022 09 06

Extinction not all that bad; who knew?

Cedarcreek, Mo – The U.S.  Fish and Wildlife Service added 23 birds to its extinction list this week, but the move has resulted in a lot of debate. The ivory-billed woodpecker is on the list. The move from an Endangered List to that of extinction is not accepted universally in the scientific community.

Check out the pecker on this one!

“Little is gained and much is lost” with an extinction declaration, said Cornell University bird biologist John Fitzpatrick, lead author of a 2005 study that claimed the woodpecker had been rediscovered in eastern Arkansas. “A bird this iconic, and this representative of the major old-growth forests of the southeast, keeping it on the list of endangered species keeps attention on it, keeps states thinking about managing habitat on the off chance it still exists,” he added with far more information than requested.

Dead, expired, pushing up the daisies, joined the choir invisible, or resting?

While on the Endangered List, species are sought out worldwide apparently. If nothing else, the list is a boost to the worldwide economy.

Since 1975, 54 species have left the endangered list after recovering, including the bald eagle, brown pelican and most humpback whales.

The International Union for Conservation of Nature, a Switzerland-based group that tracks extinctions globally, is not putting the ivory-billed woodpecker into its extinction column because it’s possible the birds still exist in Cuba, said the group’s spokesman.

These mussels allegedly no longer flexing their muscles

“Ah, for fuck sake,” squawked an ivory-billed woodpecker named Ivor “Don’t call me Woody” Principalis, “I literally flew off the compound for a litre of rum, and some driftwood. I wasn’t out more than a few minutes!”

Seems the world’s “endangered” are just hiding.

Ivor chirped in, “Yeah, there’s a bunch of us in the secluded spot just outside Veradero. There’s no extradition treaty, of course, and the noisy Americans aren’t allowed here.”

We had to enquire as to other residents at Extinctión de Campamento.

“Oh, you’d be surprized,” Principalis tweeted. “Off the top of my pointy head, there’s Donny the Dodo, The Great Auk (used to be in a circus), Tony the Tasmanian Tiger (he’s great!), Perry the Passenger Pigeon (always asking for a ride somewhere), and Ian the Pyrenean Ibex just to name a few.”

It is apparent this retirement village of sorts keeps expanding.

“I am here for the duration, man. After all, they don’t call her The Great Auk for no damn good reason!”

Copyright © WASTE OF INC. 2022

2022 08 28

Lone wolf still on the lam

Vancouver, BC – In Vancouver this week, an undisclosed number of wolves escaped from their enclosure at the Greater Vancouver Zoo (GVZ). One wolf remains at large, and he spoke to us under assurances of anonymity.

You looking at me?

“Oh, this has been a great experience,” X the Wolf howled.

Our informant had requested we name him after the character from The Great Escape movie of 1963.

When questioned about his inspiration for the getaway, X was more than willing to share.

“There was a family movie night here a few years ago,” X yelped, “And they showed the assembled crowd Over The Hedge along with Madagascar. You know, kid oriented films, but mind boggling for my fellow inmates!”

Instructional videos

But in a statement, the Greater Vancouver Zoo said it asked police to look into what happened Tuesday morning, as the incident was deemed “suspicious, and believed to be due to malicious intent.”

X barked back, “No, not to disrespect my animal brothers and sisters, that’s bullshit! We did this on our own, because the conditions here suck elephant balls!”

A recent report by the Vancouver Humane Society condemned the GVZ for enclosures which prevent the animals from engaging in natural behaviours.

Jag, the Jaguar: near-sighted?

“My buddy, Jag the Jaguar lost his shit last year, and mistook an employee for dinner,” X added cunningly.

X was sheepish about revealing his long term plan.

“Vancouver has so much to offer. Stanley Park has some neat hiding places, I may go fishing, and I have always wanted dine atop Grouse Mountain. I have been told grouse are really tasty!” he added stealthily.

Asked for a parting comment, X mistakenly uttered, “As for the title of this article, I have never been fond of lamb, other than as friends. Don’t believe everything you see in the cartoons!”


2022 08 19

Naming system for heat waves being considered

Seville, Spain – As heat waves sweep across the continents of the world, a new international project is experimenting with naming the heat waves as are hurricanes, and cyclones. The WHO isn’t convinced this plan has merit, and in Canada, some researchers agree with the WMO and are skeptical of how a naming system will communicate the severity of heat waves. In Seville Spain this summer, the first heat-wave name used was Zoe!

Man seen cooling off by running to make a breeze

“I’m really, really against it. I think that hearing, you know, the heat wave, Zoe or Joey is about to come your way. It doesn’t really drive fear in my heart. I think that I don’t necessarily pay attention to it,” said Canadian climatologist David Phillips.

Well, despite Mr. Phillips skepticism, and in keeping with our mission here at dougzone22, we ran a think-tank, and have a thorough list of names, and an accompanying descriptor of the wave’s severity. The entire first think-tank session was squandered finding an appropriate title!

It was so hot this guy drank feet-washing water

Well, despite Mr. Phillips skepticism, and in keeping with our mission here at dougzone22, we ran a think-tank, and have a thorough list of names, and an accompanying descriptor of the wave’s severity. The entire first think-tank session was squandered finding an appropriate title!

dougzone22’s Alphabetical/Chronological Heat-Wave Naming Algorithm

Andrew/Athena, man it is hot!

Betsy/Brady, oh baby! It’s hot!

Charles/Christina, are you running the furnace right now?

Dianna/Dylan, you have to cut this shit right out, girl!

Ethan/Elizabeth, are you kidding me right now?

Francis/Francisco, enough with the baking in summer!

Gordon/Genevieve, will you please cook outside today!

Helen/Harvey, this is getting damn ridiculous!

Ian/Ilene, may I stand by your car’s engine to cool off?

Josie/James, I am about to lose my shit over here!

Kamala/Kendall, we aren’t even halfway through this year’s heat waves, damn it all to Hell!

Luigi/Laura, please, ram that blowtorch up my ass!

Magdalena/Mark, Christ on a cracker it is steamy out here!

Nigel/Natalie, at this point the fry-an-egg-on-the-pavement news items will appear

Ophelia/Oscar, buy me an ice cappuccino, and pour it in my pants!

Peter/Penelope, strip me naked, and fly me to Antarctica!

Quinn/Qasim, it is so fucking hot

Rafael/Rose, Oh for fuck sake!

Steph/Scott, are you fucking kidding me right now!

Trent/Tatiana, if one more person says, “Hot enough for you?” all hell will break fucking loose!

Ugenia/Ullyses, just fuck off and die!

Victor/Valerie, don’t even think of fucking breathing anywhere in this house.

Willow/Waylon, Fuckitty, fuck, fuck!

Xavier/Xaria, Fuuuuuuuuucking hot!

Yvette/Yusef, Hell called and is willing to pay the ransom now

Zeke/Zoe, (think-tank ran out of descriptors, and settled on…)


2022 08 15

Art installation draws uniquely negative attention

Paddy’s Head, NS – A student at the Nova Scotia College of Art and Design in Halifax, NS sculpted a 36 kg chair out of limestone, and elected to install it on the sea bed of St Margarets Bay off of Paddy’s Head. The student, a freediver, couldn’t take the sizeable piece with her, so decided to decorate an area frequented by her fellow freedivers.

Final resting place of sculpture

Intended by the artist to be an underwater attraction which her diving friends adore, it has turned into quite the fiasco.

Googly-eyed freediver “sees” nothing wrong

Members of the freedive club have said, “It is a miniature stone chair casually placed like an aquatic throne on the sandy ocean floor.”

Nevertheless, local residents are appalled at the appearance of such a hunk of limestone.

The chair and one of its detractors

“Holy shitburgers,” bubbled Red, the Red Sea Raven, speaking to us via an aquatic-being translator. “I almost cracked my Red Sea Raven head on the piece of crap!”

As if torn from today’s headlines, Red continued down the healthcare path.

“I see you are one of those humans who have been complaining about hospital ER closures, but have you ever concussed yourself, and tried to receive medical attention under water?”

Realizing the question may as well have been rhetorical, our Red Sea Raven complainant gurgled, “That homemade obstacle has only been here since March, and those pesky seaweeds are already growing on it, and ultimately obscuring it from view. That shit is hazardous!”

The seaweeds were speechless; perhaps because funds did not allow for a seaweed translator. Regardless our freediving interviewer was running out of air.


2022 08 11

Screwdriver attack deemed mistaken identity

Saskatoon, SK- A man was viciously attacked while visiting Royal University Hospital in this Canadian prairie city. The victim remains in critical condition, and an assailant has been charged with attempted murder.

The court documents do not identify the weapon, so dougzone22 contacted Robertson “Don’t call me square head” Phillips at a local hardware store.

A portrait of the extended screwdriver family

“Well, there are fifteen different types of screws that employ up to fifteen different drivers at last count,” Phillips said authoritatively, “and each has multiple sizes in Imperial and Metric measure.”

Realizing Phillips’ level of excitement, dougzone asked for a simplified dissertation.

Phillips rejoined with, “Most laypeople can identify the two basic screws; slot, and Phillips, but Robertson, Torx, Hex, Pozidrive, Schrader, Allen, and Spanner types also exist.

Show us your tips!

Reluctant to indicate that 15 types weren’t listed by our expert, we instead asked about benefits of a select few.

Phillips instantly connected, and added, “Slot can often be used in a Phillips head, Phillips will work in a Pozidrive, and vice versa. Meanwhile Robertson will occasionally turn a Phillips and Pozidrive screw.”

Minds blown with the hardware overload, this reporter returned to the Saskatoon courthouse where an assessment of the accused revealed he has “a screw loose”, and it is expected the “screws” will be put to him at the impending trial.


2022 06 30

They haven’t the foggiest

Grand Banks, NL – A major scientific research study is set to begin off Canada’s east coast.  The $7.5 million project funded by the US Dept of Defence hopes to learn how to predict when fog will occur. It is estimated 50 to 60 people in Canada die each from fog-related issues. The Americans are sending some fogologists to cruise the Atlantic Ocean from the Sable Islands of Nova Scotia to Newfoundland & Labrador’s Grand banks.

The extent of current fog knowledge

Swede Fogol is the lead member of the team.

“For me to become a fogologist (one who studies fog) seemed a no-brainer,” Fogol admitted. “The classes at the Fog Academy were rather small.”

When professors at the Fog Academy were asked to confirm Fogol’s credentials, they responded, “Oh, we know Swede Fogol!”

He’s all fogged up!

Seeing a well-funded-by-Americans project, numerous Canadians are literally hopping on board, including researchers from the Department of Environment and Climate Change Canada, York University, the Department of Fisheries and Oceans, the Marine Environmental Observation, Prediction and Response Network and Dalhousie University in Halifax.

“This level of underwriting for research is scarce bye, so we backed our bags, and made our way to Halifax harbour, for sure!” exclaimed Dr. O. “Baby” Siris, spokesperson for the Canadian contingent. “Of course, we brought our fiddles, and we don’t go very far without some Screech!”

What the fog?

If they don’t find fog at the Grand Banks, the crew can always have their own heads examined!


2022 06 22

Blood-sucking Lampreys are back!

Belleisle Bay, NB – Sea Lampreys have been seen returning to this New Brunswick waterway to get at it, and lay eggs at the end of their 14-year lifecycle.

Cute as a kitten at this point

Lampreys are fish that are often mistakenly identified as eels. Like many people, they look completely harmless until they open their mouths.

This sucker is not so cute

Marc Gaden is communications director and legislative liaison for the Great Lakes Fishery Commission, and offers insider information about the predators.

“Lampreys have numerous teeth, and a tongue that has teeth too, Gaden offered timidly. “They latch onto their prey then drill into the host to access its nutrients.”

Gaden appears to take Lampreys quite seriously

When these predator fish get into the Great Lakes, their prey is much more susceptible.

The meekly mannered Gaden added, “Yes, the smaller fish of the inland lakes are generally smaller, and cannot withstand the Lamprey parasite.”

Asked for evidence of the Lamprey effect on the Great lakes Fishery, Gaden shyly suggested, “A single Lamprey can kill 10 kilograms of fish in a year!”

Unexpectedly, Gaden suggested a lamprey “parlour game”.

“Lampreys will latch, but not bore into warm-blooded creatures,” Gaden offered sheepishly. “Here try it!”

“Partygoers” sample a Lamprey Latch

As the interview was about to end, someone in the assembled press corps farted, and Gaden lost his composure.



2022 06 15

Hamilton man pushes stroller to victory!

Buffalo, NY – A Canadian man, who resides in Hamilton Ontario, won the Buffalo Marathon while pushing his infant son in a stroller. Lucas McAneney and his two-year-old son finished the race 16 seconds ahead of their nearest competitor.

“Did he make a wrong turn at Walden galleria?”

McAneney had hoped to break the Guinness World Record for such a feat.

“Yeah, we had to get special permission,” the jubilant runner exclaimed, “That didn’t happen, but we had fun anyway!”

Executive Director, Greg Weber confirmed, “We were of the opinion that this record could be broken, and changed the rules in hopes of garnering some notoriety. Although he didn’t break the record, McAneney performed very well under the circumstances.”

Asleep on the job?

Sutton, the two-year old, wants the win listed in his name.

“That Weber fellow claims I didn’t “run” the race, so I am not eligible for the victory.”

Weber concurred, “Only actual runners can be named as winners; that is true.”

The little McAneney continued to rant.

“Dad and I have trained extensively for this. This was my first official marathon,” whined Sutton. “I don’t read yet, but I have watched the news recently. When that gun went off at the beginning, I am not ashamed to admit, I literally shit my pants!”

Maintaining a 3:38/km pace did not allow for diaper changes.

The junior McAneney added, “At the finish line, I was not asleep, but unconscious due to the diaper rash! I should have chosen Penaten as my sponsor.”

To the victor go the sores


2022 06 09