Brampton, ON – Maj. Harold “Harry” Asshole (Ret.) and Mrs. Perky Asshole (née Breasts) have publicly announced they are planning to change their names.
The history of Assholes in Ontario and particularly my hometown of Brampton is one for the history books,” Asshole said redundantly.
Just has to be an Asshole
Indeed this unusual surname is unique in the territory; not only was Asshole redundant, but influential too.
When asked what it was like to be an Asshole, Maj. Asshole barked, “My ancestors were quite proud of the surname. Oh, don’t ask me how the military reacted!”
Taking his lead, we asked, while suppressing a significant giggle, about his experience in the armed forces.
Asshole was screwed up his face as if severly constipated then released, “I am unable to answer that due to an NDA I had to sign when I retired, you idiot! I told you not to ask.”
Clearly Perky and an Asshole
The interview wouldn’t have been complete, nor equitable if Mrs. Asshole weren’t interrogated.
“Perky is an interesting first name, especially given your maiden name. How did that happen?” we posited.
“Oh, my parents thought they were quite funny! My disposition aligns perfectly with my married named due to the childhood pestering I tolerated,” Perky Asshole spouted.
“And what prompted the plan to alter your names?” was asked while stifling smirks.
“Well, Perky and I have just about had enough of the eye-rolling, stifled smirks, and convulsive reactions from anyone we meet,” Harry Asshole tooted.
“Have you chosen a new moniker?” we offered in an effort to clear the air.
“Yes,” the Assholes answered simultaneously poo-pooing the silliness of the interrogative.
“I have chosen “Prolapsed” and Perky will be known as “Taut,” Maj. Asshole expelled.
And with that, the clearly proud Assholes departed for city hall.
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2024 04 08
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