Jupiter to have been its brightest

Peterborough, ON – Jupiter was to have been its brightest in 59 years yesterday which raised many questions, and some answers.

Astronomically speaking, (Ed. because speaking astrologically is utter bullshit) Marley Leacock, an astronomer and science educator with Vancouver’s H.R. MacMillan Space Centre explained Jupiter was at its closest point to Earth, and was reaching “opposition” meaning it was directly across from the sun, and Earth’s position simultaneously.

Looking out-of-this-worldly bright, but what of its inhabitants?

Now “brightness” has an alternate meaning, and that deals with intelligence. The question of Jupiterian intelligence remains unknown as of this morning, but not difficult to determine its apparent improvement in recent time, because we seem to have uncovered a scandal of astronomical significance!

Last month, the government of Ontario offered to pay parents of school-age children as much as $100.00 to help the wee ones “catch up” on lost learning due to the pandemic. Could those funds have been misdirected to our distant extraterrestrial neighbour?

A quick check of a map of Ontario revealed no less than three roads with the designation of Jupiter. There is a Jupiter Avenue in Peterborough, and Chatham, while Niagara Falls offers us Jupiter Boulevard.

Pictured crouching is Ontario’s finest Min of Ed/photo-bomber ever according to his boss who recently swallowed a mongoose to eat the snake, that ate the frog, that ate the bee he had swallowed while live on TV.

As this conspiracy unfolds, it seems the Ministry of Education may have mailed cheques to previously unknown Jupiterians! What must the postage have been, and who delivered them?

In an effort to get to the bottom of this incredible fiasco, our finest/sole interpreter has left on a 2000 day, 591.5 million km trip to locate, and seek confirmation that the Ontario government assisted the citizens of Jupiter in its endeavour to be “brighter”.

At time of printing, our intrepid employee will arrive at Jupiter on Sunday, March 19, 2028, so stay tuned to this space.

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2022 09 27

Wordlers rejoice! This one’s for you!

ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, ON – For as long as what ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦto be forever, players of Wordle (the 5-letter guessing game) have been joyously posting results all over ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ form of social ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ known to humans. They are thrilled beyond belief when they ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ a ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦdays offering, and ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ suicidal thoughts when not nearly successful, or unsuccessful at all.

One lousy Wordle

ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ the activity requires only a working knowledge of the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ alphabet, and how to assemble ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ with them, it ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ to escape common ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ as to the willingness of any ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ to publicly chastise one’s self in such a manner.

ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ who find themselves entangled in the mess, tend to deny this assessment.

“I ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ the humiliation, because I know I can always ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ mysocial ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ and find a fellow Wordler who has performed equally ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, or ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ!admits ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ “Wordle me this” Muskoka.

And yet, ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦwho play ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦone another support, which ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦup even more ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦon the Interweb. ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, although his real name is ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ highly of the interactions with others in the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ.

Not hard to see ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ this one is headed!

“Oh, it is smashing!” ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ wanted to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ. “If you ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ up a day’s ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, you can always go online to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ encouragement to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ down the lane, or on the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ side of the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ.

At the time this ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ was ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ hundred thousand ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ s ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ing ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ self ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ. Un- ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ!

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2022 09 22

Mound of earth deemed “really ugly” by neighbours

Scarborough, ON – “This pile of dirt is really ugly, and an eyesore to the nearby neighbours,” whined one resident of this borough in eastern Toronto. “Something should be done about!”

The two hectare parcel of land was originally proposed as a site for a sports field, but when that plan was cancelled, the owner began storing soil from nearby construction projects.  That collection of earth has grown to a height of 15 metres, so is visible to residents who live to its south side.

Dirt pile as seen from a satellite

Residents have noted detectable runoff when it rains, and blowing dust when the material is dry.

When approached for comment, the hill was quite upset.

Human made “eyesore” has feelings too

“They treat me like dirt!” Mounty McMountain bellowed. “I would prefer terms like loam, topsoil, or earth actually.”

Our interpreter continued to seek input about McMountain’s feelings.

“It’s not like I chose to be here,” it added. “Parts of me were brought here one at a time by other humans, right!”

McMountain provides great view of downtown Toronto

Get up on top of me, and enjoy a free view of downtown Toronto,” Mounty added without prompting.

Mrs. & Mr. Grumpy Neighbour scowl for the camera

When asked to comment on the neighbours’ complaints, McMountain offered, “I don’t control the wind, and rain. I can hardly be held responsible for the runoff, nor the dust.”

In an attempt to clear the air, McMountain howled, “I think Scarborough is a great place! It gets a pretty bad ride in the press, but has produced some great people in its history. I want to thank your interpreter for hearing me out; he is really down to Earth!”

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2022 09 19

Lack of shitter doors a piss-off

Gloucester, ON – In this small suburb of Ottawa, an group of male students who wish to remain anonymous, are being quite vocal about the distinct lack of doors in the washrooms designated for them at the local high school. In one particular water closet, the partition between adjoining porcelain receptacles is absent also!

The doorless shitters of Gloucester High School

“It is downright embarrassing,” exclaimed Barry Cadaver (not his real name), “There are times when young males want privacy too, so some guys have taken to leaving to school property to use the restrooms at the pizza shop down the street, and it is disgusting there!”

No need to reach under for spare shit tickets here!

When prompted for examples, Barry offered, “Like when you’re walking to school and you think of the new video with a tune you like, or when you see the latest model of a car, or the girl who goes to the local separate school walks ahead of you and the wind catches her kilt for a brief moment, or when the nice lady in the cafeteria gives you a smile as she loads in extra fries with your order, or the foreign exchange student waves at you mistakenly, or Miss Brohpy’s skirt brushes your arm as she strolls by your desk, or Monique in math class wears that translucent blouse, or when Gurpreet wears a sweater and it looks like two cats are wrestling inside it, or the thought of having co-ed gym class in period 3, or you catch a whiff of Mrs. Barbasol’s perfume as you pass by the office.”

Before we could elicit an additional comment, Barry excused himself to the local pizza restaurant.

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2022 09 13

Ocean-floor-mining concept faces pressure

Vancouver, BC – A Vancouver company would like to be the first to mine the Clarion-Clipperton Zone (CCZ) in the Pacific Ocean. The goal of the project is to gather polymetallic nodules that are found lying on the ocean floor. The nodules have formed naturally over millions of years, and contain cobalt, copper, manganese and nickel. These minerals are seen as essential for the production of solar panels, and electric cars.

Oval marks the spot on this treasure map!

Seeking input from locals, we approached what appeared, in the extremely dim light, to be a kiosk.

“Get you polymetallic nodules here!” exclaimed a sea cucumber named Gummy “Einstein” Squirrel by it’s friends.

Gummy in a quieter moment

“Hello!” we offered.

To which Gummy screamed, “Why are you yelling, for fuck sake!”?

Apparently, at a depth of 4 000 metres, sound carries really well.

Whispering, we rejoined with, “A lot of water pressure here, eh?”

“God damn right”, Gummy retorted quietly.

Then his Einstein nickname took over the conversation.

“To calculate water pressure, you need to know P = p·h·g, where p is the liquid’s density, h is the depth, and g, of course, is acceleration due to gravity. For sea water p = 1023.6 kg/mᴲ, h = 4000, and g = 9.8 m/s2. That works out to 40 125 kPa. Your normal air pressure up there where you live is about 101 kPa. In seabed parlons, it will crush your coconut!”

Polymetallic nodules abound in the CCZ

One more question was enough for us, “What do you think of the plan to mine this area for your nodules?”

“To put it mildly, it pisses me off! In 1978 an experimental “miner” vacuumed the ocean floor. It sucked up many of my friends, and all of the nodules. That area lies barren to this day,” Gummy added miserably.

At press time, a team of Israeli engineers, archeologists, and geneticist were rumoured to be preparing to clone Moses, in hope that he would be willing to part the Pacific Ocean over the CCZ to facilitate polymetallic-nodule extraction.

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2022 09 06

Air France offers flight-crew fisticuffs

Somewhere between Geneva & Paris – The BEA, France’s equivalent of Canada’s Transportation Safety Board, has reported a “serious incident” on board an Air France flight between Geneva, and Paris last June.

The flight, which lasts about 70 minutes for the 515 km distance, featured fisticuffs between the pilot and co-pilot. Another member of the crew stopped the fight, and was compelled to sit in the cockpit for the duration.

Not a lot of time to get at it!

One, especially one here at dougzone22 HQ, can only imagine what instigated the squirmish. The following are possible points of debate that could result in a physical altercation between members of a French flight crew:

1. Camembert vs. Brie: the finer fromage?

2. Cold red wine: Oui ou non?

3. White wine served with red meat is a travesty!

4. Berets are a fashion faux pas.

5. Jean-Jacque Goldman est merde!

6. Your wife’s Meunière tastes funny.

7. The Maginot Line is France’s greatest accomplishment.

8. “I’ve got your Coquilles St. Jacques right here, Pierre!”

Regardless of the instigation, Air France has assured the BEA it is conducting a thorough investigation, and in the interim is remodeling cockpits on all its aircraft, immediatement!

Your captain today will be wearing the yellow culottes…

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2022 08 29

Extinction not all that bad; who knew?

Cedarcreek, Mo – The U.S.  Fish and Wildlife Service added 23 birds to its extinction list this week, but the move has resulted in a lot of debate. The ivory-billed woodpecker is on the list. The move from an Endangered List to that of extinction is not accepted universally in the scientific community.

Check out the pecker on this one!

“Little is gained and much is lost” with an extinction declaration, said Cornell University bird biologist John Fitzpatrick, lead author of a 2005 study that claimed the woodpecker had been rediscovered in eastern Arkansas. “A bird this iconic, and this representative of the major old-growth forests of the southeast, keeping it on the list of endangered species keeps attention on it, keeps states thinking about managing habitat on the off chance it still exists,” he added with far more information than requested.

Dead, expired, pushing up the daisies, joined the choir invisible, or resting?

While on the Endangered List, species are sought out worldwide apparently. If nothing else, the list is a boost to the worldwide economy.

Since 1975, 54 species have left the endangered list after recovering, including the bald eagle, brown pelican and most humpback whales.

The International Union for Conservation of Nature, a Switzerland-based group that tracks extinctions globally, is not putting the ivory-billed woodpecker into its extinction column because it’s possible the birds still exist in Cuba, said the group’s spokesman.

These mussels allegedly no longer flexing their muscles

“Ah, for fuck sake,” squawked an ivory-billed woodpecker named Ivor “Don’t call me Woody” Principalis, “I literally flew off the compound for a litre of rum, and some driftwood. I wasn’t out more than a few minutes!”

Seems the world’s “endangered” are just hiding.

Ivor chirped in, “Yeah, there’s a bunch of us in the secluded spot just outside Veradero. There’s no extradition treaty, of course, and the noisy Americans aren’t allowed here.”

We had to enquire as to other residents at Extinctión de Campamento.

“Oh, you’d be surprized,” Principalis tweeted. “Off the top of my pointy head, there’s Donny the Dodo, The Great Auk (used to be in a circus), Tony the Tasmanian Tiger (he’s great!), Perry the Passenger Pigeon (always asking for a ride somewhere), and Ian the Pyrenean Ibex just to name a few.”

It is apparent this retirement village of sorts keeps expanding.

“I am here for the duration, man. After all, they don’t call her The Great Auk for no damn good reason!”

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2022 08 28

Kaboom or bust?

Stephenville, NL – Like any idea that goes to shit but is rejuvenated 85 years later; Germany has entered into an agreement with Canada for a supply of hydrogen. Hydrogen is listed first unalphabetically on the Periodic Table of Elements (created by chemists, not English majors), and is particularly nasty. While featuring an entertaining lighter-than-air physical characteristic, it is highly explosive in a kabooming sort of way.

Alleged to be arranged in numerical order

In an effort to wean itself off fossil fuels, Germany recalled its almost century-old fascination with hydrogen recently. The simplest of known elements makes for one fine, non-carbon-emitting fuel, but is extremely volatile.

Looking like a fellow afraid to clear his throat because he was raised on sauerkraut and sausages, German Chancellor Olaf Scholz inked a deal with Canada’s Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, for the export of fresh Canadian hydrogen.

Does this Scholz know something?

Germany’s last dalliance with the element, of atomic weight 1.008, was as a lifting gas for its fleet of zeppelins. These massive airships flew quite frequently until one known as the Hindenburg attempted a landing in New Jersey in 1937.

Oh, the humanity!

Since that fateful evening, only the concept of using that photo for a record album, for the aptly named Led Zeppelin, has occurred. Interestingly enough, the ominously titled Your Time Is Gonna Come is featured as Track 5.

Good Times Bad Times?

It is believed that Canada will be prepared to export brand-spanking new hydrogen by 2025, so the residents of Stephenville are herewith alerted: Get into your Dodge, and get the hell out of Stephenville!

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2022 08 24

Lone wolf still on the lam

Vancouver, BC – In Vancouver this week, an undisclosed number of wolves escaped from their enclosure at the Greater Vancouver Zoo (GVZ). One wolf remains at large, and he spoke to us under assurances of anonymity.

You looking at me?

“Oh, this has been a great experience,” X the Wolf howled.

Our informant had requested we name him after the character from The Great Escape movie of 1963.

When questioned about his inspiration for the getaway, X was more than willing to share.

“There was a family movie night here a few years ago,” X yelped, “And they showed the assembled crowd Over The Hedge along with Madagascar. You know, kid oriented films, but mind boggling for my fellow inmates!”

Instructional videos

But in a statement, the Greater Vancouver Zoo said it asked police to look into what happened Tuesday morning, as the incident was deemed “suspicious, and believed to be due to malicious intent.”

X barked back, “No, not to disrespect my animal brothers and sisters, that’s bullshit! We did this on our own, because the conditions here suck elephant balls!”

A recent report by the Vancouver Humane Society condemned the GVZ for enclosures which prevent the animals from engaging in natural behaviours.

Jag, the Jaguar: near-sighted?

“My buddy, Jag the Jaguar lost his shit last year, and mistook an employee for dinner,” X added cunningly.

X was sheepish about revealing his long term plan.

“Vancouver has so much to offer. Stanley Park has some neat hiding places, I may go fishing, and I have always wanted dine atop Grouse Mountain. I have been told grouse are really tasty!” he added stealthily.

Asked for a parting comment, X mistakenly uttered, “As for the title of this article, I have never been fond of lamb, other than as friends. Don’t believe everything you see in the cartoons!”

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2022 08 19

Naming system for heat waves being considered

Seville, Spain – As heat waves sweep across the continents of the world, a new international project is experimenting with naming the heat waves as are hurricanes, and cyclones. The WHO isn’t convinced this plan has merit, and in Canada, some researchers agree with the WMO and are skeptical of how a naming system will communicate the severity of heat waves. In Seville Spain this summer, the first heat-wave name used was Zoe!

Man seen cooling off by running to make a breeze

“I’m really, really against it. I think that hearing, you know, the heat wave, Zoe or Joey is about to come your way. It doesn’t really drive fear in my heart. I think that I don’t necessarily pay attention to it,” said Canadian climatologist David Phillips.

Well, despite Mr. Phillips skepticism, and in keeping with our mission here at dougzone22, we ran a think-tank, and have a thorough list of names, and an accompanying descriptor of the wave’s severity. The entire first think-tank session was squandered finding an appropriate title!

It was so hot this guy drank feet-washing water

Well, despite Mr. Phillips skepticism, and in keeping with our mission here at dougzone22, we ran a think-tank, and have a thorough list of names, and an accompanying descriptor of the wave’s severity. The entire first think-tank session was squandered finding an appropriate title!

dougzone22’s Alphabetical/Chronological Heat-Wave Naming Algorithm

Andrew/Athena, man it is hot!

Betsy/Brady, oh baby! It’s hot!

Charles/Christina, are you running the furnace right now?

Dianna/Dylan, you have to cut this shit right out, girl!

Ethan/Elizabeth, are you kidding me right now?

Francis/Francisco, enough with the baking in summer!

Gordon/Genevieve, will you please cook outside today!

Helen/Harvey, this is getting damn ridiculous!

Ian/Ilene, may I stand by your car’s engine to cool off?

Josie/James, I am about to lose my shit over here!

Kamala/Kendall, we aren’t even halfway through this year’s heat waves, damn it all to Hell!

Luigi/Laura, please, ram that blowtorch up my ass!

Magdalena/Mark, Christ on a cracker it is steamy out here!

Nigel/Natalie, at this point the fry-an-egg-on-the-pavement news items will appear

Ophelia/Oscar, buy me an ice cappuccino, and pour it in my pants!

Peter/Penelope, strip me naked, and fly me to Antarctica!

Quinn/Qasim, it is so fucking hot

Rafael/Rose, Oh for fuck sake!

Steph/Scott, are you fucking kidding me right now!

Trent/Tatiana, if one more person says, “Hot enough for you?” all hell will break fucking loose!

Ugenia/Ullyses, just fuck off and die!

Victor/Valerie, don’t even think of fucking breathing anywhere in this house.

Willow/Waylon, Fuckitty, fuck, fuck!

Xavier/Xaria, Fuuuuuuuuucking hot!

Yvette/Yusef, Hell called and is willing to pay the ransom now

Zeke/Zoe, (think-tank ran out of descriptors, and settled on…)

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2022 08 15