Redneck offended by physiotherapist (#106)

Merritt, BC – A local area man, nicknamed Buddy, has lodged a complaint with British Columbia Interior Health after he discovered his physiotherapist’s notes identified him as a redneck.

“Yee haw! I don’t rightly feel my redneckness has anything to do with my affliction,” Buddy bellowed outside the clinic, while standing next to his multi-flagged pick-up truck.

“I came here to take full advantage of my God-given right to have someone, other than my cousin-sister wife, make me feel better,” he added as he expectorated another glob of chewing-tobacco infused saliva to an already heaping pile on the pavement.

Clinic’s CCTV spies Buddy “peeling out” after first appointment

The physiotherapist in question offered a second opinion.

“Right from his very first appointment, I had to ask him to remove his knee-high boots, and store them on the front porch of the clinic,” winced (name withheld). “And I had to insist he wear some type of underwear for his second appointment. He said he had no idea how formal the appointments were.”

Even Buddy’s ‘best friend’ prefers anonymity

The incidents were not limited to the client’s footwear.

“He constantly asked if I would share a beer with him during our sessions, but only after he had opened one with his few remaining teeth. The photo he provided for his file was a burnt out car in front of his ‘thankfully unharmed trailer’”.

Trailer allegedly survived the car fire

“Oh, did I mention his breath? It was of the calibre one could cut with a knife, and I could see it; even in my dimly lit studio!” the therapist said as she continued to wretch.

As restitution for his ‘shocking’ discovery, Buddy has requested a sincere apology from his therapist.

From its perspective, BC Interior Health has assured him the physiotherapist should not have made that determination; however, the official diagnosis is to be confirmed by a qualified social worker.


2023 03 19

“Table-for-one sign” deemed legal (#105)

Beaconsfield, QC – Canada’s reputation as a polite, if not overly so, nation is about to make an abrupt about turn. The 180° about-face in the country’s worldwide eminence will likely be attributed to a recent provincial-court decision in which the elevation of the standard middle finger was deemed to be a right to freedom of expression covered by the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

“Hear this? May I turn it up for you?”

In his 26-page decision, Judge Dennis Galiatsatos declared, “Flipping the proverbial bird is a God-given, charter-enshrined right that belongs to every red-blooded Canadian!”

His honour clearly doesn’t expect to be sued by his god, nor any Canadian suffering from anemia.

The Boy Scouts of Canada are looking forward to the return of their salute from those who commandeered it as a euphemism for what is likely to become Canada’s national “bird”.

Scout’s salute was often accompanied by, “Read between the lines!”

Former Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau could have refrained from mouthing, “Fuddle Duddle,” in parliament over 50 years years ago had Judge Galiatsatos’ ruling been released sooner.

Galiatsatos (left) about to make good use of his own ruling

In the imminently foreseeable future, Canadians of all ages, genders, colours, and ethnicities can stop apologizing as if having graduated summa cum laude from a finishing school, at which we learned to say, “Sorry,” and raise the “tall man” proudly.

Move over Whiskey Jack, Canada has a new national bird


2023 03 12

Dear (#104)

Villages of Heart Lake, ON – Launching a dabbling into the world of solicited advice isn’t likely to be easy, but the texts, DMs, emails, and telepathic messages are overwhelming here in the Home Office.

Pete of Carlton, Nottingham, UK wants to know, “How do you win the Stanley Cup?“

The hockey cup no one wears

dougzone: Great question, Pete, but I have never won the Stanley Cup! I would suggest learning to skate without holding onto the boards, buying a really cool stick, and start writing letters to NHL teams. It’s bound to work.

Ralph of Georgetown, ON asks, “How do I thank the woman who first drove me to drink?“

dougzone: Wouldn’t that be a treat, Ralph! Personally, I recommend a gift card mailed anonymously to avoid police involvement. It worked for me!

Sean from Brampton, ON wants to know, “How do I convert my rental storage locker into a cool place to meet cool people?“

dougzone: Sean, I highly recommend reading the rental agreement. After completing that task, ask yourself: How cool are people that would be willing to meet me in a storage locker? Meanwhile, I have to ask, “Where is the unit, and what time?”

Trent,a Mississaugan, has a commuter question: “Where do I catch Caledon Transit’s subway train in Fergus, ON?“

dougzone: T Dog, all of Caledon Transit’s stops are printed on the back of their tokens. Visit a local convenience store to acquire them. Good luck!

Nicole resides in Oakville, and asks, “How do i write a good novel?”

dougzone: What you should do is read all the good novels, then write something that those novelists didn’t. What could be easier?

An example of a popular work of fiction

Dave’s (Amherstburg, ON) question is out of this world: How do I get to space?

dougzone: Space is everywhere you look if you look up. Getting there isn’t as easy. Best suggestion we have is to stowaway on one of those rocketry things. Problem solved.

Simon resides in Toronto, ON, and poses this question: Do you like beer too?

Dougzone: Yes, Simon, I do like beer. You know I do, so stop asking, please!

We get it, Simon!

Ryan from Bolton offers this puzzler: “I was told that bricks are asleep.”

dougzone: Thanks for our first posited statement, Ryan.

Well, it seems the questions weren’t as numerous as first imagined. As soon as there are more, you’ll be the first to see about it!


2023 03 09

Holy shit: $14 M for Papal security! (#103)

Ottawa, ON – It has been revealed that Canada’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) spent almost $14 million on a security detail for Pope Francis’ apology tour in July 2022. Travel expenses, accommodations, food, and overtime pay in each of four locations across the country were incurred. The visitor elected to travel to Canada to acknowledge the involvement of his band of merry child abusers, in particular their abuse, rape, and murder of indigenous children at their residential schools.

“Canada, eh? I hear the beavertails are to die for!”

But what about his Pontifical Swiss Guard, you ask? This gang of court-jester-like lads are the laughing stalk of the world’s militaries, and prefer to work solely within the confines of the Vatican.

Wouldn’t be caught dead in public. Can you blame them?

Despite the absence of his home grown security, Pope Frank departed for Canada with gay abandon, leaving Canada’s RCMP to provide for his protection.

“Look at me! I’m a Jeepster for your love!”

Not only did the leader of Roman Catholic Church make speeches, hold private meeting with indigenous leaders, but he also milked the assembled masses in Edmonton, and Quebec City at fundraisers called masses! It is not known if he tipped his protective services detail from the proceeds, but it is on-highly doubted.

Were these performers offered protection from known abusers?

When asked about the inordinate cost of this trip’s measures to safeguard the guest, a spokesperson admitted, “It seems the old guy left his wallet in his other cloak.”


2023 03 02

Dumb guy definitions (#102)

Anywhere, World –  As homage to specimen allegedly being Italian for astronaut, and innuendo considered as Latin for suppository, the following are recently discovered definitions as believed by those less worldly.

Chinese checkers – a specialized team of Canadian Border Service agents who deal solely with travelers from the People’s Republic of China. 

Dominoes – little known microscopic entities called “Doms” found in nostrils. 

Doms invisible at this magnification

Islamophobia – freshman question offered at Psych 101 

Pedophile – a dossier on my childhood stuffed rabbit.

“Pedo” before he had a RAP sheet

Transphobia – an unnatural fear of Vietnamese people with a particular surname.

Arachnophobia – doctoral thesis outlining the distinct lack of fear among the citizens of Iraq.

Algorithm – the teachings of America’s 45th Vice President as told by a guy with a speech impediment. 

Mr. VP spreading the good word singlehandedly


2023 02 23

Signs of the times (#101)

Truro, UK – An advertisement in a bus stop for McDonald’s McCrispy chicken sandwich has raised a few eyebrows locally. The bus stop in question unfortunately is located next to a road sign that directs motorist to the Penmount Crematorium. Comments about the ad being in poor taste, prompted a representative of the company to suggest, “We were not aware of the bus stop’s proximity to a crematorium, and have asked that the advert be removed.”

No McCrispys available here*   (*actual bus stop and crematorium sign)

Surely this isn’t the only situation in which a billboard can be misplaced either deliberately, or accidentally.

For instance, this advert placed near a brothel could be deemed controversial, if not misleading.

This guy’s a tool

Can you imagine the discomfort induced in potential patients if this sign were posted in close proximity of a urology clinic?

Don’t come near my faucet with wrench!

The posting of this particular signage anywhere close to a venue in which AA meetings are held would have to amount to entrapment!

Mmmm beer!

And this final display in the vicinity of a synagogue, gurdwara, mosque, or temple would be tantamount to invasion of privacy…

although it would be perfectly acceptable adjacent to a bank or credit union!


2023 02 15

Spy balloons from around the world (#100)

NORAD HQ (undisclosed location) – With all the excitement generated over the errant Chinese weather balloon that was alleged to be a spy balloon, other countries, interested in downsizing espionage budgets, are proposing balloons of their own.

China’s ill-fated “spy” balloon


No mistaking this sporran-balloon’s heritage


Sandwiched among the others this airborne baguette might fool some


Momma Mia that that’s a delicious looking spy balloon


Bang bang shoot’em up to the moon


As Canadian as apple pie & cheddar cheese

New Zealand:

This kiwi actually flies and spies


Resembling a migrant worker; this balloon self-deports due to prevailing winds

Ontario, Canada:

If not for all the hot air in this gas bag…


2023 02 07

Up yer kilt, Disney! (#99)

Edinburgh, Scotland – The government of the United Kingdom recently invoked Section 35 of the Scotland Act of 1998 to prevent the ruling Scottish nationalist Part (SNP) from enacting its gender recognition bill. The bill was intended to streamline the process for people wanting to change their gender designation. UK’s government determined that Scotland’s bill contradicted current UK law, so it was quashed. This was the first invocation of Section 35 ever!

Scotland was granted its own devolved parliament, called Hollyrood, in 1997 to give itself more local control.

First Minister of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, gesticulates a level playing field

This latest setback will not dissuade the Take Back the Scot in Scotland committee of First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. This little-known commission has been diligently eliminating the term “Scotch” from the English language, and the “stigma of stingy” that permeates humans’ attitude toward the fine people of Scotland.

“Oh, aye!” exclaimed Sturgeon when asked about this panel. “Scotch should only be used in reference to blended whisky from Scotland. It is no a synonym for cheap!”

As far away as Canada, one business had quite a run with its mascot, Sandy McTire, whose image appeared on “coupons” which eventually became known as Canadian Tire Money. The coupons were initially produced in 1958, and endure to this day. With the advent of digital cards, however; McTire has pretty well vanished from ads, and flyers. A likeness of Ebenezer Scrooge has replaced the Scot’s visage much to the enjoyment of Sturgeon’s surreptitious group.

McTire with successor Scrooge displaying McTire’s offensive currency

The one remaining transgressor of the Scot’s anti-parsimonious board is Disney’s Scrooge McDuck! While obviously a cartoon character like McTire, McDuck’s reluctance to change his ways has drawn the ire of Sturgeon’s panel.

McDuck: so penurious he doesn’t own pants!

“Oh, aye!’ Sturgeon cried out. “Mr. McDuck’s Wikipedia page clearly states his birthplace in Glasgow! His parsimonious nature has been documented since 1947.”

Sturgeon, clearly irritated, proclaimed, “Oh, aye! If McDuck’s legal team doesn’t kowtow to our demands, I personally will place one of my Welies up his water-tight arse!”

Upon hearing that offer, McDuck was seen dropping a few pence on a pair of Kevlar breeks.


2023 01 31

LASERs shown to attract Lightning; Lightning pissed off! (#98)

Geneva, Switzerland – Scientists at the University of Geneva, École Polytechnique in Paris and the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology Lausanne have demonstrated using Light Amplified by Stimulated Emission of Radiation (LASER) on a mountaintop in northeast Switzerland that they can divert lightning! Although unpredictable, and traditionally considered dangerous, Lightning is not particularly pleased with this modernization of the age-old lightning rod.

LASER colourfully pissing off Lightning

“That bastard Benjamin Franklin first started annoying me 270 years ago,” Lightning’s spokes-sound, Thunder cracked seconds after Lightning appeared for this interview. “I have got used to avoiding those short, inappropriately named ‘lightning rods’ in the interim. I wasn’t consulted in the naming process.”

A lightning rod’s effective range is relative to its length, so a LASER beam offers protection over larger areas.

Lightning caught on CCTV in a moment of weakness

“I have been spewing my wrath randomly all over the world, like a porn star with a spastic prostate,” Thunder clapped anatomically erroneously, “I cause 45% of forest fires which burn 2.3 million hectares each year!

In a conciliatory manner, Thunder added, “A couple of years ago, some scientists actually credited me with cleaning pollution from the atmosphere.”

Then the rumbling continued.

“LASER is relatively new technology, I have heard. Invented in 1960, it is still shitting its pants relative to my age! Of course I was attracted, because they set up shop in an area I frequent almost 100 times a year. My lawyer will have them for entrapment.”

In a flash, Lightning disappeared and Thunder was left to roll away tardily.


2023 01 23

The stars are out tonight, in court (#97)

Hollywood, CA – Hot on the heels of a recent revelation in which film stars Olivia Hussey and Leonard Whiting, of 1968’s Romeo & Juliet, are suing Paramount Pictures for filming them in the nude when they were minors, even more complainants are emerging.

59 years later they found their clothes

Everyone’s favourite rabbit, Bugs Bunny is testing the legal water with Warner Bros. Pictures. He is alleging his excessive on set carrot-consumption left him with a carrot-dependency he hasn’t shaken yet, despite numerous rehabs, and aversion therapies.

Pictured with current wife, and latest teeth

Not without their own claim of mishandling, the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey are seeking restitution for cultural misrepresentation. Speaking anonymously from an undisclosed location, Moon-Watcher, his character’s name in the film, is quite adamant.

“No way in heck apes would have behaved that way!” he yelped. “Apes are a non-violent animal. Ask anyone of us.”

Moon-Watcher enjoyed a stogey, and read Variety between takes

And this just in, Porky Pig has waddled into a local courtroom. His court documents outline he was coerced to stammer so often during his career that it left him with a permanent speech impediment, and severe depression.

On the advice of his dear friend Sam “Yosemite” Abromavich, Mr. Pig sought solace in Judaism, but was denied membership on a “technicality”.

The suit seeks damages in the amount fffffity million dollars.

Could this have been Porky’s final scene?


2023 01 18