LASERs shown to attract Lightning; Lightning pissed off! (#98)

Geneva, Switzerland – Scientists at the University of Geneva, École Polytechnique in Paris and the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology Lausanne have demonstrated using Light Amplified by Stimulated Emission of Radiation (LASER) on a mountaintop in northeast Switzerland that they can divert lightning! Although unpredictable, and traditionally considered dangerous, Lightning is not particularly pleased with this modernization of the age-old lightning rod.

LASER colourfully pissing off Lightning

“That bastard Benjamin Franklin first started annoying me 270 years ago,” Lightning’s spokes-sound, Thunder cracked seconds after Lightning appeared for this interview. “I have got used to avoiding those short, inappropriately named ‘lightning rods’ in the interim. I wasn’t consulted in the naming process.”

A lightning rod’s effective range is relative to its length, so a LASER beam offers protection over larger areas.

Lightning caught on CCTV in a moment of weakness

“I have been spewing my wrath randomly all over the world, like a porn star with a spastic prostate,” Thunder clapped anatomically erroneously, “I cause 45% of forest fires which burn 2.3 million hectares each year!

In a conciliatory manner, Thunder added, “A couple of years ago, some scientists actually credited me with cleaning pollution from the atmosphere.”

Then the rumbling continued.

“LASER is relatively new technology, I have heard. Invented in 1960, it is still shitting its pants relative to my age! Of course I was attracted, because they set up shop in an area I frequent almost 100 times a year. My lawyer will have them for entrapment.”

In a flash, Lightning disappeared and Thunder was left to roll away tardily.

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2023 01 23

The stars are out tonight, in court (#97)

Hollywood, CA – Hot on the heels of a recent revelation in which film stars Olivia Hussey and Leonard Whiting, of 1968’s Romeo & Juliet, are suing Paramount Pictures for filming them in the nude when they were minors, even more complainants are emerging.

59 years later they found their clothes

Everyone’s favourite rabbit, Bugs Bunny is testing the legal water with Warner Bros. Pictures. He is alleging his excessive on set carrot-consumption left him with a carrot-dependency he hasn’t shaken yet, despite numerous rehabs, and aversion therapies.

Pictured with current wife, and latest teeth

Not without their own claim of mishandling, the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey are seeking restitution for cultural misrepresentation. Speaking anonymously from an undisclosed location, Moon-Watcher, his character’s name in the film, is quite adamant.

“No way in heck apes would have behaved that way!” he yelped. “Apes are a non-violent animal. Ask anyone of us.”

Moon-Watcher enjoyed a stogey, and read Variety between takes

And this just in, Porky Pig has waddled into a local courtroom. His court documents outline he was coerced to stammer so often during his career that it left him with a permanent speech impediment, and severe depression.

On the advice of his dear friend Sam “Yosemite” Abromavich, Mr. Pig sought solace in Judaism, but was denied membership on a “technicality”.

The suit seeks damages in the amount fffffity million dollars.

Could this have been Porky’s final scene?

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2023 01 18

Cows were on the run! (#96)

Saint-Barnabé, QC – Since July of 2022, a couple of dozen dairy cows have been on the loose is the portion of Quebec near Trois-Rivières. While the subject of great hilarity locally, the free-range cows were actually troublesome to the farmers of the area. They would trample, and eat at will in cornfields, then hide in adjoining forests. Although consulted months ago, Quebec’s Agriculture Ministry and the Ministry of Forests, Fauna and Parks could not decide who had jurisdiction.

“Hit his not a husual hoccurence to ‘ave les vaches on de run,” said a spokesperson for the Ministries in a joint statement.

Les vaches sont sur le sabot (Cows hoofing it into a forest)

After the bovines were finally recaptured, a spokescow, going by the name of #9, has been extremely outspoken.

“Moove on over, Bessie, let me get closer to the reporter,” #9 was first heard to say.

#9 pictured with fellow former escapees

“It all started when Farmer Lapointe left a copy of Animal Farm in the barn on Canada Day (July 1), “ #9 offered. “In that fantasy, pigs are the smart ones, but we knew better. That movie Babe was pure horseshit!”

Questioned about the type of manure, #9 added, “Trust me, I know bullshit, and Babe was pure merde du cheval!”

“Up next, Lapointe’s children did a comparative study of the two movies of The Incredible Journey (1963), and Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993). Those dogs making those two trips were inspirational!” #9 bellowed.

The final straw was a cartoon!

“Yeah, the children closed their movie night with Over the Hedge, and we were all set. We had to steak our claim of freedom.”

 Trampled corn stalks provided evidence of cows on the lam

How did the escape happen?

“Back in July, before the punks from Trois-Rivières showed up for some cow-tipping abuse, Bessie, here, noticed an open gate, and we hoofed it out of there!”

Will the bovines try it again next summer?

“Hell, yeah,” #9 lowed, “Plans are already being formed; it was an udderly fantastic experience. First, Farmer Lapointe has promised us a special ride in his big truck; it is like a bus for cows! I already called shotgun.”

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2023 01 12

Drugs literally flown into local prison (#95)

Abbotsford, BC – An alert corrections officer spied a pigeon sporting a backpack that appeared suspicious. Upon chasing and apprehending the suspicious avian culprit, it was discovered the bird had a cache of methamphetamine in its wee backpack! The officers were surprized, but relieved they had scooped the drugs after releasing the fine feathered friend, despite being considered a flight risk.

“We have had weapons dropped into the compound in the past,” reported a spokesman for the Union for Canadian Correctional Officers. “Recently we have had a rash of drones dropping contraband into our inmate unit yards, so although keeping an eye on the skies, we never suspected birds!”

El Cooz pictured with his camo backpack

“I have the insider on your suspect,” squawked a nearby pigeon perched on a stool.

Startled at the thought of not having to procure another bloody interpreter, our dougzone22 reporter engaged this enlightened squab.

“Yeah, they had El Cooz in their grimy mitts,” chirruped Ann ”Stoolie” Onymous, “He fashions himself after Jorge “El Cos” Costilla.”

Ann Onymous asked for secrecy by name

While refusing cash, Ms. Onymous chirped for birdseed, the reporter seeded the conversation, and asked for more details on El Cooz.

“El Cooz decided early on that his clutch would be a coop-tel; cartel seemed so human,” Onymous warbled. “It wasn’t long until the airlifts began.”

And before the intrepid reported could probe for more information, a jail-yard cat spooked the interviewee, and Ann Onymous flew the coop!

She was heard to shriek, “Cheese it; the fuzz!”

Onymous last seen on the wing

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2023 01 06

Giant Snowman in peril! (#94)

Kanata, ON – After the huge snowstorm a few days ago, a local resident began doing, what residents of Kanata do, he built a giant snowman!  It is Kanata after all.

Chris created a five-metre tall snowman using a ladder, his neighbours’ assistance, and 40 hours of his life. The enormity of this item demanded the use of tennis balls for eyes, hockey pucks for buttons, and a garden planter as the top hat. One neighbour even offered a hammock to replace the scarf typically wrapped around the neck.

Kanatanites pose with snowman du jour

None of this activity would have been exposed if Environment Canada (EC) hadn’t decided that winter had temporarily ended a few days after the project ended. The thermostat for the entire country has two settings.

Anonymous Environment Canada employee prepares to fiddle about

Before Giant “Don’t Call Me Frosty” Snowman disappeared, dougzone22 attempted an interview. Snowman’s designer admitted there hadn’t been time to add a mouth (no interview possible), or arms (sign language couldn’t be employed), so a mind reader was engaged for this task.

A nearby neighbour claimed to have the necessary skills, and got right to work. Almost instantly, she divined Snowman was afraid of heights, and that sublimation was in his near future.

Sensing a scam artist was at work, an alternate mind reader was requested.

Mme Claire Voyant arrived with the appropriate credentials, and revealed a tune that Snowman was managing to sing to itself, obviously:

I ain’t Frosty the Snowman

I’m a miserable pile of snow

I have balls for eyes

And I am stuck with pucks

And this place I live just sucks!

It must have been that hammock

They wrapped around my neck

That convinced EC to warm things up

And make me water in a cup!

Drippety drip drip

Drippety drip drip

Look at my body flow!

Drippety drip drip

Drippety drip drip

I guess it’s time to go!

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2023 01 02

Raven catches a wave! (#93)

Dawson City, YT – While travelling south on the Dempster Highway to this town in Canada’s Yukon, a couple were joined by a raven for a total of 45 minutes. The raven seemed to enjoy riding the turbulence off the front end of their Jeep for a total of 60 kilometres!

A raven’s arse as viewed on Dempster Highway

The Dempster Highway is 737.5 km in length, and joins Dawson to Inuvik in Northwest Territories. In that run to Inuvik, the highway crosses 2 rivers, 2 mountain ranges, and as a demonstration of its ability to multitask, a portion of it acts as a runway for Wiley Aerodrome at Eagle Plains. In its entire run, the Dempster has no major intersections.

Dempster Highway sans raven’s arse and snow

(Ed. At this point in dougzone22 articles, a typical reader would expect an interview with the raven. Unfortunately, the on-staff ornithologistic linguist is currently on leave for using fowl language in the office, so contact was made with the Yukon Dept. of Highways. The following information was gleaned from Dempster Highway through a private interview due to its being withdrawn after 63 years of isolation.)

Birthday: January, 1959

Pet peeve: Garbage discarded by tourists, show-off ravens

Favourite food: Bumper Bambi, front-end suspension of tourists’ cars

Favourite game: Throwing stones at tourists’ windshields

Tired of the gravel? Look to your left!

Favourite song: Jeepster by T Rex, and Highway to Hell by AC/DC

Favourite TV show: Curb Your Enthusiasm

Favourite movie: Any one of the 7 versions of Intersection, or 2021’s The Intersection

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2022 12 21

Mitre? More like Probablier! (#92)

Vatican City – As early as 1051, accusations of child abuse by Catholic priests have been documented. At that time, Pope Leo “Imma no lion” IX was convinced to exclude clergy who had offended repeatedly, or over a long period of time.

A long time namely 971 years, have passed, and the abuses continue to be reported.

Those in charge at The Vatican have issued denials, and apologies, and shuffled the offending staff from place to place to place.

Mitre: The hat with a contradictory name

Well, it seems the little country in Italy that could have cleaned up its act at any time in the last millennium, has decided to give up entirely. Premiering, just in time for the Yule log season, The Vatican is releasing a line of clothing that will entice even the most pious of parishioner to succumb to the wishes of its clergy.

Such a small place; such a nasty problem

Keeping the comfort of the abuser in mind, the transparent fabric is said to be wickedly wicking, and features a built-in clerical collar that leaves no doubt as to who is performing the “laying on of hands”. A simple cross adorns the front of the undergarment’s boxers. This provides some semblance of decorum, and offers the cleric a modicum of modesty.

Altar attendants, and assorted laypersons can keep a eye open for this imminent launch.

Forgive me Father, for I am about to sin®

® Vatican City Clothiers

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2022 12 13

Gravestone tipping popular in Banff (#91)

Banff, AB – Known for ages as an act of vandalism throughout the world, gravestone tipping and grave sinking have become quite the distraction for groundskeepers at Old Banff and Mountain View cemeteries in this popular tourist destination in Alberta, Canada. Fortunately the culprits are neither tourists nor residents, but unfortunately Columbian ground squirrels are.

Yup, people are dying to get in either of these bone-orchards.

We met Thomas “Digger” Sepulcher who is one of the crew members at Mountain View, and asked, “What is that noise?”

“Darned if I know,” Mr. Sepulcher answered, “I thought you wanted to know about the Columbians.”

Moving on, despite the droning in the background, we sought his input about the varmints.

“The Columbian ground squirrels are native to these here parts. They like open spaces, and enjoy burrowing near boulders,” he added instructively. “Unfortunately, grave markers resemble boulders apparently, and the burrows weaken the ground underneath them.”

Don’t call them gophers! They’re proud of their squirrelly heritage.

The workers at these two heritage sites have been actively live-trapping, and relocating the gopher-like critters.

“Gophers!?” exclaimed the one spokes-squirrel we could find. “We are not bloody gophers!” squealed Urocitellus “Don’t call me Pablo” Columbianus, “We are proudly Canadian rodents.”

He too had no idea about the noise in the background, but admitted, “It is louder in my burrows due to the density of the ground.”

He didn’t seem too fond of the trapping/relocation project.

‘Tombstones, like boulders, act as burrow markers for us. No one consulted us when the graveyard was built in 1890.”

The more than 2000 graves in the two cemeteries, a lot of burrowing comes naturally to Mr. Columbianus and his kind.

“We put rabbits to shame reproductively,” he offered braggingly. “And caskets, while a titch smelly, make for excellent breeding sites. We have witnessed a few humans going at it topside, so what the hell?”

Urocitellus, pictured here, telling humans to fornicate elsewhere

At press time, the whirring noise was deciphered, by agents of Parks Canada, as the sound of 2000 cadavers spinning in their graves as a result of the commotion caused by news of the grave-marker tipping.

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2022 12 06

Monkeypox gets a new name (#90)

Montreal, QC – A local Montreal men’s health group has successfully petitioned The World Health Organization (WHO) to adjust the term Monkeypox to Mpox because the original designation is considered racist, and stigmatizing. The Montreal-based group, RÉZO, had asked the Quebec government to rename the disease’s French name, and are pleased that WHO has accepted its English variant.

Even under a microscope this virus looks scary

“Stigmatizing?” growled Tommy “Don’t Call Me Cheetah” The Monkey, “You can bet your hairless ass that word is stigmatizing!”

Yet another dougzone22 interpreter felt compelled to seek some background information from the clearly irate Simian.

Mr. The Monkey howled, “The abuse of my species dates back to the 17th of your centuries. An ancient Japanese proverb “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” was popularized as a pictorial Shinto maxim featuring monkeys posing. What a crock of tawagato!”

When prompted for more evidence, Tommy was more than obliging. “Ever used a monkey wrench?” he chattered. “Think that looks anything like me? It’s just another example of abusive nomenclature.”

Don’t ask for one of these in your local zoo, nor tropical rainforest

“Anything else you’d like to air?” our inquisitor inquisitioned.

“I bet 100 of my kind working on 100 computers, as you would stigmatizingly proffer, could spell Monkeys better than the Monkees did!”

Couldn’t spell worth scat

“If you could talk, why didn’t you say something?” our interpreter asked.

“Why did you think we were throwing shit in your general direction? Take a hint, Mr. Homo sapien!”

An obvious follow-up had to be how much the simians hate the Foo Fighters’ song Monkey Wrench.

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Tommy geckered, “We love that fucking tune!”

Our woke simian was last seen scampering away to piss in his friends’ mouths.

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2022 12 01

Hamilton Ontario gives a shit and how!

Hamilton, ON – Officials of the City of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada have advised the public of the discovery of a 26-year-old sewage leak in Hamilton Harbour! It is believed a contractor mistakenly made a hole that resulted in excrement from a small neighbourhood to be mixed with the water from storm sewers.

The culvert to the harbour is said to be 2.5 metres square and there are only 50 homes on that line, “So the anticipated amount released should be far less that the 24 billion litres we leaked in to Chedoke Creek over the course of four years,” one Hamilton employee commented in an attempt to minimize the severity of the current discovery.

Holy shithole, Batman!

The site of the latest shitstorm is the Hamilton Oshawa Port Authority Pier on Hamilton Harbour which feeds into Lake Ontario.

Ahoy, Dookie!

While cruising Hamilton Harbour for evidence, our intrepid reporter encountered Whoopsy LaMerde bobbling out to Lake Ontario. It had a different take on treatment plants.

“Those “treatment plants” are rumoured to be cleansing camps in my world!” LaMerde grunted, “Isn’t that kind of place pooh-poohed in your world too?”

Asked to corroborate his story, Whoopsy contributed, “I have heard of fellow turds entering, and nothing but the paperwork ever leaves.”

Madame Mayor holding her breath there’s a solution

Meanwhile, the Mayor of Hamilton has formed a committee to spin this latest dump of news into something positive.

Early findings include:

1. Contracting The Police to re-release De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da as a campaign song to lighten the mood. (Link to YouTube)

2. If The Police don’t come through, then perhaps Tim & Eric can be coerced to allow their Doo Dah Doo Doo! to be used. (Another YouTube link)

3. If all else fails, City council is recommending to re-activate the old line:We drove to Hamilton, so I could kiss her where it smells! as a tourism tagline.

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2022 11 28