Diplomacy be damned! (#114)

Ottawa, Canada – Recent events in this, and other countries, has brought the concept of the expulsion of diplomats into the world theatre.

For years, television and movie procedurals have dealt foreign representatives in multiple countries claiming diplomatic immunity in the event of a wrongdoing by said diplomat.

In fact, Article 9 of the Vienna Convention of 1961 grants diplomats immunity from criminal, and most civil prosecutions while posted abroad; however, Article 31 permits a host country the privilege of declaring another countries representative as persona non grata without having to explain its decision.

With a little espionage of its own, dougzone22 has uncovered a list of code names for diplomatic expulsions at Canada’s disposal. They are arranged alphabetically, since a numerical listing seemed pointless.

Vienna Convention: small book big on ramifications

Australian Outback: this method involves escorting the offending envoy to an unlit, discreet corner of a dark alley where marching orders are delivered in no uncertain terms.

Chinese Checker: the unwelcome agent is invited to “lace them up” with Canadian hockey hooligans, and sent a message loudly, and clearly.

Danish Mermaid: stripped naked, the departing representative is sat upon a rock in Quttinirpaaq National Park on Ellesmere Island, and boarded onto a short flight home to Copenhagen the next day.

Magnus, you can tell Santa you were a naughty boy up here!

Eritrean Easy-out: the soon-to-be-former envoy is offered an excursion to the top of the Horseshoe Falls, and placed in a canoe sans paddle. Talk about being up schitz creek!

Finnish Finish: shellacked, and left to be blown dry by a Chinook wind in Lethbridge, Alberta, this ambassador will choose to head for Helsinki nopeasti.

German Goosestep: stood with back to beginner’s class of Learn to Goosestep course at the Karen Kain School of Dance in Ottawa; this emissary is literally kicked out!

Hungarian “Goo-lash”: the finest Canadian rawhide is soaked in the finest maple syrup available at any tourist trap until very supple, then applied liberally to the torso of the tainted conciliator.

Indonesian Indignity: wearing nothing but her diplomatic papers, this attaché is to be stood in the passing lane of the 401 highway in Toronto during rush hour. This plenipotentiary will happily depart for Jakarta post haste.

Oh, the horn honking!

Jamaican Jerk: (not what you are anticipating) once belted into at Toronto Transit Authority train car, the dishonourable emissary will have to endure a shunting session at the Davisville Yard.

Kuwaiti Wait: while holding her luggage aloft, this particular Chargé d’affaires will be asked to await a ride-share vehicle operated by a driver with no sense of direction in Vancouver, BC.

Lithuanian Lift: Hoisted up the CN Tower by the flimsiest of rope, we know one ambassador who will welcome extradition to his homeland.

Malaysian Air: taken for a literal breath-taking ride strapped to the exterior of a CF-18, Malaysia’s go-between will beg for her marching papers.

Nigerian Nightcrawler: summoned to the Governor General’s estate in Ottawa, the disgraced emissary will be laid in a coffin-like structure lined with Canada’s finest earthworms.

Lumbricus terrestris doesn’t sound near is icky

Oman Oh-man: the discredited attachés from Oman will be prodded to climb the 1760 stairs of the CN Tower continuous on the day of his hasty departure.

Pakistani Phone-call: the unwanted legate from this country will have her phone number published at every call centre in the Middle East. Sure hope she has time to call for a ride to the airport.

Qatar Queue: sullied in the eyes of Canadians, the envoy is asked to line up for a double-double at Canada’s busiest Tim Horton’s only to be asked to return to the end of the line once the penultimate position is achieved.

Russian Replay: Moscow’s representative will be placed on a wooden stool, and forced to watch Paul Henderson’s Summit-Series-winning goal on a loop for her final 24 hours in Canada.

Canada wins!  Canada wins! Canada wins! …

Singapore Slingshot: a dishonourable agent of this country would be required to ride the Slingshot at Canada’s Wonderland until deported.

Turkey Stuffing: a degraded intermediary from Turkey would be loaded into a crate formerly occupied by skunks, then mailed, postage due, back to Istanbul.

USA, Surfing: strapped into a wakeboard, this besmirched representative would be dragged the entire length of the Atlantic watershed before being unceremoniously beached at Lubec, Maine.

Vatican Goalie Host: This obviously tarnishedNuncio, armed only with his robe of office and the potential of divine intervention, would play net for one of Canada’s lacrosse teams before being shipped home.

Zimbabwean Zoolander: upon indication of his wrongdoing, the emissary from Zimbabwe would have to perform a fashion show for drunken red necks in northern Alberta.

While not a complete list of countries, it should serve to encourage better behaviour of all foreign dignitaries in Canada.


2023 05 07

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