Ocean-floor-mining concept faces pressure

Vancouver, BC – A Vancouver company would like to be the first to mine the Clarion-Clipperton Zone (CCZ) in the Pacific Ocean. The goal of the project is to gather polymetallic nodules that are found lying on the ocean floor. The nodules have formed naturally over millions of years, and contain cobalt, copper, manganese and nickel. These minerals are seen as essential for the production of solar panels, and electric cars.

Oval marks the spot on this treasure map!

Seeking input from locals, we approached what appeared, in the extremely dim light, to be a kiosk.

“Get you polymetallic nodules here!” exclaimed a sea cucumber named Gummy “Einstein” Squirrel by it’s friends.

Gummy in a quieter moment

“Hello!” we offered.

To which Gummy screamed, “Why are you yelling, for fuck sake!”?

Apparently, at a depth of 4 000 metres, sound carries really well.

Whispering, we rejoined with, “A lot of water pressure here, eh?”

“God damn right”, Gummy retorted quietly.

Then his Einstein nickname took over the conversation.

“To calculate water pressure, you need to know P = p·h·g, where p is the liquid’s density, h is the depth, and g, of course, is acceleration due to gravity. For sea water p = 1023.6 kg/mᴲ, h = 4000, and g = 9.8 m/s2. That works out to 40 125 kPa. Your normal air pressure up there where you live is about 101 kPa. In seabed parlons, it will crush your coconut!”

Polymetallic nodules abound in the CCZ

One more question was enough for us, “What do you think of the plan to mine this area for your nodules?”

“To put it mildly, it pisses me off! In 1978 an experimental “miner” vacuumed the ocean floor. It sucked up many of my friends, and all of the nodules. That area lies barren to this day,” Gummy added miserably.

At press time, a team of Israeli engineers, archeologists, and geneticist were rumoured to be preparing to clone Moses, in hope that he would be willing to part the Pacific Ocean over the CCZ to facilitate polymetallic-nodule extraction.


2022 09 06

Lone wolf still on the lam

Vancouver, BC – In Vancouver this week, an undisclosed number of wolves escaped from their enclosure at the Greater Vancouver Zoo (GVZ). One wolf remains at large, and he spoke to us under assurances of anonymity.

You looking at me?

“Oh, this has been a great experience,” X the Wolf howled.

Our informant had requested we name him after the character from The Great Escape movie of 1963.

When questioned about his inspiration for the getaway, X was more than willing to share.

“There was a family movie night here a few years ago,” X yelped, “And they showed the assembled crowd Over The Hedge along with Madagascar. You know, kid oriented films, but mind boggling for my fellow inmates!”

Instructional videos

But in a statement, the Greater Vancouver Zoo said it asked police to look into what happened Tuesday morning, as the incident was deemed “suspicious, and believed to be due to malicious intent.”

X barked back, “No, not to disrespect my animal brothers and sisters, that’s bullshit! We did this on our own, because the conditions here suck elephant balls!”

A recent report by the Vancouver Humane Society condemned the GVZ for enclosures which prevent the animals from engaging in natural behaviours.

Jag, the Jaguar: near-sighted?

“My buddy, Jag the Jaguar lost his shit last year, and mistook an employee for dinner,” X added cunningly.

X was sheepish about revealing his long term plan.

“Vancouver has so much to offer. Stanley Park has some neat hiding places, I may go fishing, and I have always wanted dine atop Grouse Mountain. I have been told grouse are really tasty!” he added stealthily.

Asked for a parting comment, X mistakenly uttered, “As for the title of this article, I have never been fond of lamb, other than as friends. Don’t believe everything you see in the cartoons!”


2022 08 19