Cows were on the run! (#96)

Saint-Barnabé, QC – Since July of 2022, a couple of dozen dairy cows have been on the loose is the portion of Quebec near Trois-Rivières. While the subject of great hilarity locally, the free-range cows were actually troublesome to the farmers of the area. They would trample, and eat at will in cornfields, then hide in adjoining forests. Although consulted months ago, Quebec’s Agriculture Ministry and the Ministry of Forests, Fauna and Parks could not decide who had jurisdiction.

“Hit his not a husual hoccurence to ‘ave les vaches on de run,” said a spokesperson for the Ministries in a joint statement.

Les vaches sont sur le sabot (Cows hoofing it into a forest)

After the bovines were finally recaptured, a spokescow, going by the name of #9, has been extremely outspoken.

“Moove on over, Bessie, let me get closer to the reporter,” #9 was first heard to say.

#9 pictured with fellow former escapees

“It all started when Farmer Lapointe left a copy of Animal Farm in the barn on Canada Day (July 1), “ #9 offered. “In that fantasy, pigs are the smart ones, but we knew better. That movie Babe was pure horseshit!”

Questioned about the type of manure, #9 added, “Trust me, I know bullshit, and Babe was pure merde du cheval!”

“Up next, Lapointe’s children did a comparative study of the two movies of The Incredible Journey (1963), and Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993). Those dogs making those two trips were inspirational!” #9 bellowed.

The final straw was a cartoon!

“Yeah, the children closed their movie night with Over the Hedge, and we were all set. We had to steak our claim of freedom.”

 Trampled corn stalks provided evidence of cows on the lam

How did the escape happen?

“Back in July, before the punks from Trois-Rivières showed up for some cow-tipping abuse, Bessie, here, noticed an open gate, and we hoofed it out of there!”

Will the bovines try it again next summer?

“Hell, yeah,” #9 lowed, “Plans are already being formed; it was an udderly fantastic experience. First, Farmer Lapointe has promised us a special ride in his big truck; it is like a bus for cows! I already called shotgun.”


2023 01 12

Lone wolf still on the lam

Vancouver, BC – In Vancouver this week, an undisclosed number of wolves escaped from their enclosure at the Greater Vancouver Zoo (GVZ). One wolf remains at large, and he spoke to us under assurances of anonymity.

You looking at me?

“Oh, this has been a great experience,” X the Wolf howled.

Our informant had requested we name him after the character from The Great Escape movie of 1963.

When questioned about his inspiration for the getaway, X was more than willing to share.

“There was a family movie night here a few years ago,” X yelped, “And they showed the assembled crowd Over The Hedge along with Madagascar. You know, kid oriented films, but mind boggling for my fellow inmates!”

Instructional videos

But in a statement, the Greater Vancouver Zoo said it asked police to look into what happened Tuesday morning, as the incident was deemed “suspicious, and believed to be due to malicious intent.”

X barked back, “No, not to disrespect my animal brothers and sisters, that’s bullshit! We did this on our own, because the conditions here suck elephant balls!”

A recent report by the Vancouver Humane Society condemned the GVZ for enclosures which prevent the animals from engaging in natural behaviours.

Jag, the Jaguar: near-sighted?

“My buddy, Jag the Jaguar lost his shit last year, and mistook an employee for dinner,” X added cunningly.

X was sheepish about revealing his long term plan.

“Vancouver has so much to offer. Stanley Park has some neat hiding places, I may go fishing, and I have always wanted dine atop Grouse Mountain. I have been told grouse are really tasty!” he added stealthily.

Asked for a parting comment, X mistakenly uttered, “As for the title of this article, I have never been fond of lamb, other than as friends. Don’t believe everything you see in the cartoons!”


2022 08 19