There’s to be a new game in town!

Toronto, ON – The Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario (AGCO) is working out the fine details of a brand new, never-before-seen betting scheme for Ontarians.

Get all your money-squandering schemes right here!

Speaking anonymously, an AGCO spokesperson, who preferred to be called Lucky staked his claim with, “We at AGCO are always searching for new games for our province’s players. Our goal is to provide the best methods to separate our customers from their hard-earned money.”

Does AGCO have a history of inventiveness, we wondered aloud.

“Oh, just this past year, we introduced wagering on sporting events like basketball, hockey, and baseball,” Lucky chanced, obviously not grasping the meaning of inventiveness, “Not only is Ontario the Hollywood of the north, but we want the added moniker of Las Vegas of the north, too.”

Asked how this latest mega-game came to be, Lucky offered, “One of our researchers read an article online last week (Pink diamond found it Angola), and came to realize there was a hitherto unknown competition that AGCO had not tapped.”

Ironically the latest loser could be your winner!

We prodded for greater detail, and Lucky went all in, “Seems there is an International Diamond Hide and Seek Competition (IDHSC) just waiting to be exploited!”

Lucky was more than pleased to explain the process.

“So, we reached out to the IDHSC, and insisted on covering their game. They were very secretive about the number of competitors, so we went a different route. Traditional games involve participant picking upwards of 7 “lucky” numbers. This time, you only have to pick one!”

A single-digit lottery seems very easy to win, but there are countless numbers from which to choose!

“Yes, this is where it gets interesting,” Lucky wagered, “You have to predict the number of carats of the next loser in the IDHSC!”

As the excitement dwindled at the presser, Lucky risked it all by announcing the new lottery’s mascot.

“We have engaged Bugs Bunny; now there’s a guy who knows his carats!”

Think he knows a homonym when he sees one?

Happy August Fools’ Day 2022, everyone!


2022 08 01

Premier decries spate of memes*

*not his words

Muskoka, ON – From an undisclosed location in Muskoka, Premier Doug Ford seems to have taken offence at a recent series of memes created on Twitter at his expense.

“Folks,” he started traditionally, “This collection of memes is really disturbing my vacation. Now, here’s one here where they started with a standard photo of me with Prime Minister Trudeau.”

Ed. Trudeau appears ready to bust a gut

“Now, whoever takes that, and because I use to hands to help me speak, this happens…”

Ed. Remember the Schmenge Brothers from SCTV?

“Now, anyone who knows me knows I can’t play the accordion, in fact it is a terrible musical instrument.”

“Or how about this one?”

Ed. The man loves his nephew

“In this one I am “telling” the PM I have solved youth unemployment by giving my nephew a job in government. In fact, my nephew is the new Minister of Citizenship & Immigration for Ontario! In my opinion people come to Ontario (immigrate), and stay (citizenate) in this fine province of Ontario. Mikey, I like to call him that, is a rookie MPP, but he is the finest Minister of Citizenship & Immigration we have!”

“Thankfully, these Twitterers moved onto another photo, but they just won’t leave me alone! I work my back (Ed. It is believed he means backside, or ass) off, and these next photos really get my goat.”

3 erroneous* uses of one photo           *again not his word

“#1, I am bragging about a fish I caught. I don’t fish; they are icky to touch. #Next, I am supposedly working out, but my hands are busy talking, so Mikey is helping me from behind. I can tell you, Mikey doesn’t have the reach! And #C, I was alleged to have planned weekend work, but played crokinole instead. Again, I am fortunate enough to have a cottage to relax; it is not for working at. Did you know some regular people actually live in a house, or an apartment in Muskoka? Unbelievable, eh!”

At the conclusion of his rant, Premier Ford was heard to ask if he had a Minister of Social Media who could investigate these untruths.

“No! Then make me one!” he bellowed, “And who wants a game of crokinole?”


2022 07 20