Jupiter to have been its brightest

Peterborough, ON – Jupiter was to have been its brightest in 59 years yesterday which raised many questions, and some answers.

Astronomically speaking, (Ed. because speaking astrologically is utter bullshit) Marley Leacock, an astronomer and science educator with Vancouver’s H.R. MacMillan Space Centre explained Jupiter was at its closest point to Earth, and was reaching “opposition” meaning it was directly across from the sun, and Earth’s position simultaneously.

Looking out-of-this-worldly bright, but what of its inhabitants?

Now “brightness” has an alternate meaning, and that deals with intelligence. The question of Jupiterian intelligence remains unknown as of this morning, but not difficult to determine its apparent improvement in recent time, because we seem to have uncovered a scandal of astronomical significance!

Last month, the government of Ontario offered to pay parents of school-age children as much as $100.00 to help the wee ones “catch up” on lost learning due to the pandemic. Could those funds have been misdirected to our distant extraterrestrial neighbour?

A quick check of a map of Ontario revealed no less than three roads with the designation of Jupiter. There is a Jupiter Avenue in Peterborough, and Chatham, while Niagara Falls offers us Jupiter Boulevard.

Pictured crouching is Ontario’s finest Min of Ed/photo-bomber ever according to his boss who recently swallowed a mongoose to eat the snake, that ate the frog, that ate the bee he had swallowed while live on TV.

As this conspiracy unfolds, it seems the Ministry of Education may have mailed cheques to previously unknown Jupiterians! What must the postage have been, and who delivered them?

In an effort to get to the bottom of this incredible fiasco, our finest/sole interpreter has left on a 2000 day, 591.5 million km trip to locate, and seek confirmation that the Ontario government assisted the citizens of Jupiter in its endeavour to be “brighter”.

At time of printing, our intrepid employee will arrive at Jupiter on Sunday, March 19, 2028, so stay tuned to this space.


2022 09 27