Emperor penguins choose to be endangered

Antarctica (a.k.a. the arse end of the world) – After reading dougzone22.ca’s article Extinction not that bad!, enduring the March of the Penguins documentary, and a failed attempt to launch a live-action, all-penguin version of The Emperor’s New Clothes, Emperor “Tajan” Penguin has announced his breed have agreed to be placed on the world’s endangered list.

“That piece online really opened my eyes about the positives of extinction,” Tajan honked. “That extinction resort sound really nice!

“It is our considered opinion that being on the endangered list is equivalent to a pre-boarding area for a trip to extinction,” Tajan added mistakenly.

Porno for penguins

Visibly annoyed at the mention of March of the Penguins in the opening paragraph, an enquiry about it was proffered.

“Oh, that movie was downright embarrassing!” Tajan tootled. “We make that trek as a mating ritual, not for human, pornographic titillation! That filmmaker really put a wet blanket on the herd, if you catch my drift.”

Mumble: hell of a dancer, but a lousy pitcher of ideas

“And don’t even ask about The Emperor’s New Clothes, that was brought to me by that dim wit Mumble, I couldn’t fully understand him, but gave the go-ahead,” Tajan blared. “It wasn’t until a member of my council brought me the DVD that I realized the mistake.”

Apparently, Mumble is tap dancing his ass off in an undisclosed crevasse.


2022 10 26

Extinction not all that bad; who knew?

Cedarcreek, Mo – The U.S.  Fish and Wildlife Service added 23 birds to its extinction list this week, but the move has resulted in a lot of debate. The ivory-billed woodpecker is on the list. The move from an Endangered List to that of extinction is not accepted universally in the scientific community.

Check out the pecker on this one!

“Little is gained and much is lost” with an extinction declaration, said Cornell University bird biologist John Fitzpatrick, lead author of a 2005 study that claimed the woodpecker had been rediscovered in eastern Arkansas. “A bird this iconic, and this representative of the major old-growth forests of the southeast, keeping it on the list of endangered species keeps attention on it, keeps states thinking about managing habitat on the off chance it still exists,” he added with far more information than requested.

Dead, expired, pushing up the daisies, joined the choir invisible, or resting?

While on the Endangered List, species are sought out worldwide apparently. If nothing else, the list is a boost to the worldwide economy.

Since 1975, 54 species have left the endangered list after recovering, including the bald eagle, brown pelican and most humpback whales.

The International Union for Conservation of Nature, a Switzerland-based group that tracks extinctions globally, is not putting the ivory-billed woodpecker into its extinction column because it’s possible the birds still exist in Cuba, said the group’s spokesman.

These mussels allegedly no longer flexing their muscles

“Ah, for fuck sake,” squawked an ivory-billed woodpecker named Ivor “Don’t call me Woody” Principalis, “I literally flew off the compound for a litre of rum, and some driftwood. I wasn’t out more than a few minutes!”

Seems the world’s “endangered” are just hiding.

Ivor chirped in, “Yeah, there’s a bunch of us in the secluded spot just outside Veradero. There’s no extradition treaty, of course, and the noisy Americans aren’t allowed here.”

We had to enquire as to other residents at Extinctión de Campamento.

“Oh, you’d be surprized,” Principalis tweeted. “Off the top of my pointy head, there’s Donny the Dodo, The Great Auk (used to be in a circus), Tony the Tasmanian Tiger (he’s great!), Perry the Passenger Pigeon (always asking for a ride somewhere), and Ian the Pyrenean Ibex just to name a few.”

It is apparent this retirement village of sorts keeps expanding.

“I am here for the duration, man. After all, they don’t call her The Great Auk for no damn good reason!”

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