Holy shit: $14 M for Papal security! (#103)

Ottawa, ON – It has been revealed that Canada’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) spent almost $14 million on a security detail for Pope Francis’ apology tour in July 2022. Travel expenses, accommodations, food, and overtime pay in each of four locations across the country were incurred. The visitor elected to travel to Canada to acknowledge the involvement of his band of merry child abusers, in particular their abuse, rape, and murder of indigenous children at their residential schools.

“Canada, eh? I hear the beavertails are to die for!”

But what about his Pontifical Swiss Guard, you ask? This gang of court-jester-like lads are the laughing stalk of the world’s militaries, and prefer to work solely within the confines of the Vatican.

Wouldn’t be caught dead in public. Can you blame them?

Despite the absence of his home grown security, Pope Frank departed for Canada with gay abandon, leaving Canada’s RCMP to provide for his protection.

“Look at me! I’m a Jeepster for your love!”

Not only did the leader of Roman Catholic Church make speeches, hold private meeting with indigenous leaders, but he also milked the assembled masses in Edmonton, and Quebec City at fundraisers called masses! It is not known if he tipped his protective services detail from the proceeds, but it is on-highly doubted.

Were these performers offered protection from known abusers?

When asked about the inordinate cost of this trip’s measures to safeguard the guest, a spokesperson admitted, “It seems the old guy left his wallet in his other cloak.”


2023 03 02

Spy balloons from around the world (#100)

NORAD HQ (undisclosed location) – With all the excitement generated over the errant Chinese weather balloon that was alleged to be a spy balloon, other countries, interested in downsizing espionage budgets, are proposing balloons of their own.

China’s ill-fated “spy” balloon


No mistaking this sporran-balloon’s heritage


Sandwiched among the others this airborne baguette might fool some


Momma Mia that that’s a delicious looking spy balloon


Bang bang shoot’em up to the moon


As Canadian as apple pie & cheddar cheese

New Zealand:

This kiwi actually flies and spies


Resembling a migrant worker; this balloon self-deports due to prevailing winds

Ontario, Canada:

If not for all the hot air in this gas bag…


2023 02 07

Mass emigration from Canada uncovered

An undisclosed location along 49th parallel of latitude – There is news today of a mass emigration of Canadians to the United States. Literal flocks of Canadians are filling Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) kiosks to the rafters (Ed. Note alternate definition of rafter)! Just days after Canada’s Thanksgiving, turkeys are seeking refuge south of the border.

Not this Turkey

Speaking to us through a Turkish interpreter (Ed. Who knew?), Turk “Don’t call me Knobby” Gobbler opened with some statistics.

“This past weekend, it is believed 2.7 million of my fellow fowl were served to our fellow Canadian humans!” Gobbler chirped. “And that’s a fact!” he added redundantly.

Let it be noted Gobbler’s “fact” is more likely an estimate he found while pecking on the Internet.

Nor this turkey

Speaking of fowl, the air in the CBSA hut was getting quite aromatic as the actual guano deepened.

While avoiding the question about turkeys being incredibly tasty, Knobby offered another fact to the nose-holding press.

“In Canada there is a lottery called Lotto Max. In Ontario, the Ontario Lottery & Gaming Commission suggests the odds in favour of winning the jackpot are 1 in 33 294 800.

“Knobby” pictured third from left in middle row

Plied for a link between his two statements of fact, Gobbler added, “Our intended destination has an annual tradition of pardoning a turkey each year! We prefer our odds in the pardon lottery in a couple of weeks.”

Just before Turk had his ticket punched for the US, he was seen grabbing one last ducat for this Friday’s Lotto Max*.

*In mentioning Lotto Max*, dougzone22.ca is not endorsing gambling, nor seeking a discount for the bi-weekly office pool.


2022 10 13

Naming system for heat waves being considered

Seville, Spain – As heat waves sweep across the continents of the world, a new international project is experimenting with naming the heat waves as are hurricanes, and cyclones. The WHO isn’t convinced this plan has merit, and in Canada, some researchers agree with the WMO and are skeptical of how a naming system will communicate the severity of heat waves. In Seville Spain this summer, the first heat-wave name used was Zoe!

Man seen cooling off by running to make a breeze

“I’m really, really against it. I think that hearing, you know, the heat wave, Zoe or Joey is about to come your way. It doesn’t really drive fear in my heart. I think that I don’t necessarily pay attention to it,” said Canadian climatologist David Phillips.

Well, despite Mr. Phillips skepticism, and in keeping with our mission here at dougzone22, we ran a think-tank, and have a thorough list of names, and an accompanying descriptor of the wave’s severity. The entire first think-tank session was squandered finding an appropriate title!

It was so hot this guy drank feet-washing water

Well, despite Mr. Phillips skepticism, and in keeping with our mission here at dougzone22, we ran a think-tank, and have a thorough list of names, and an accompanying descriptor of the wave’s severity. The entire first think-tank session was squandered finding an appropriate title!

dougzone22’s Alphabetical/Chronological Heat-Wave Naming Algorithm

Andrew/Athena, man it is hot!

Betsy/Brady, oh baby! It’s hot!

Charles/Christina, are you running the furnace right now?

Dianna/Dylan, you have to cut this shit right out, girl!

Ethan/Elizabeth, are you kidding me right now?

Francis/Francisco, enough with the baking in summer!

Gordon/Genevieve, will you please cook outside today!

Helen/Harvey, this is getting damn ridiculous!

Ian/Ilene, may I stand by your car’s engine to cool off?

Josie/James, I am about to lose my shit over here!

Kamala/Kendall, we aren’t even halfway through this year’s heat waves, damn it all to Hell!

Luigi/Laura, please, ram that blowtorch up my ass!

Magdalena/Mark, Christ on a cracker it is steamy out here!

Nigel/Natalie, at this point the fry-an-egg-on-the-pavement news items will appear

Ophelia/Oscar, buy me an ice cappuccino, and pour it in my pants!

Peter/Penelope, strip me naked, and fly me to Antarctica!

Quinn/Qasim, it is so fucking hot

Rafael/Rose, Oh for fuck sake!

Steph/Scott, are you fucking kidding me right now!

Trent/Tatiana, if one more person says, “Hot enough for you?” all hell will break fucking loose!

Ugenia/Ullyses, just fuck off and die!

Victor/Valerie, don’t even think of fucking breathing anywhere in this house.

Willow/Waylon, Fuckitty, fuck, fuck!

Xavier/Xaria, Fuuuuuuuuucking hot!

Yvette/Yusef, Hell called and is willing to pay the ransom now

Zeke/Zoe, (think-tank ran out of descriptors, and settled on…)


2022 08 15

Federal government employs well known technique

Ottawa, ON – In the spring of 2020, the Canadian federal government introduce the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit (CERB). Recipients included any citizen of working age who was put out of work due to the impact of the pandemic caused by the Corona virus. Recipients were entitled to up to $2000/month until restrictions were lifted.

While the pandemic has not ended, restrictions on the citizenry have, for the most part, been lifted. The Canadian Revenue Agency (CRA) has been charged with a post-pandemic assessment of the eligibility of members of the workforce for CERB. The reclamation of some funds from numerous claimants has begun.

We’d like some back, please

“So, I gets this letter in the traditional brown envelope from the CRA,” says William “Bill me” Freeloader, “And here I was thinking it’s my CERB cheque, but it ain’t!”

Freeloader had, in fact, received one of 1.7 million such letters mailed across the country.

“I was like holy shit! Martha, the wells gone dry,” Freeloader whined.

Freeloader wasn’t alone. Many recipients of the claw-back letter began to question its validity.

The fun begins, or does it?

“The masthead (see above), resembles the artistry of the scammer,” proclaimed Richard “Don’t call me Dick” Richardson, “I figured I could have done better with MS Paint.”

Still others were concerned about the font, the colour of the ink, and the offer to click a hyperlink on a piece of paper.

“Yeah, this had scam written all over it”, added Richardson, but turns out, it wasn’t!”

Thousands of former CERB recipients were convinced it wasn’t legit.

When questioned, the fine people at CRA revealed the secret.

“At CRA we are proud of the work we do, but knew this reclamation was going to be a tough gig,” a spokesperson spoke under a cloud of anonymity. “However, we had heard of the overwhelming success of phishing schemes around the world, so thought we could catch quite a few Canadians with that style of appeal.”

When a follow-up query was presented, the spokesperson said, “”We continuously review client feedback about all of our communications, and this feedback informs the way we exchange information with clients. Thankfully many blindly forwarded their portions, so we were able to cover the cost of all the phone calls we had to receive. Here at CRA, we call that a win-win!”


2022 07 18