The stars are out tonight, in court (#97)

Hollywood, CA – Hot on the heels of a recent revelation in which film stars Olivia Hussey and Leonard Whiting, of 1968’s Romeo & Juliet, are suing Paramount Pictures for filming them in the nude when they were minors, even more complainants are emerging.

59 years later they found their clothes

Everyone’s favourite rabbit, Bugs Bunny is testing the legal water with Warner Bros. Pictures. He is alleging his excessive on set carrot-consumption left him with a carrot-dependency he hasn’t shaken yet, despite numerous rehabs, and aversion therapies.

Pictured with current wife, and latest teeth

Not without their own claim of mishandling, the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey are seeking restitution for cultural misrepresentation. Speaking anonymously from an undisclosed location, Moon-Watcher, his character’s name in the film, is quite adamant.

“No way in heck apes would have behaved that way!” he yelped. “Apes are a non-violent animal. Ask anyone of us.”

Moon-Watcher enjoyed a stogey, and read Variety between takes

And this just in, Porky Pig has waddled into a local courtroom. His court documents outline he was coerced to stammer so often during his career that it left him with a permanent speech impediment, and severe depression.

On the advice of his dear friend Sam “Yosemite” Abromavich, Mr. Pig sought solace in Judaism, but was denied membership on a “technicality”.

The suit seeks damages in the amount fffffity million dollars.

Could this have been Porky’s final scene?


2023 01 18

There’s to be a new game in town!

Toronto, ON – The Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario (AGCO) is working out the fine details of a brand new, never-before-seen betting scheme for Ontarians.

Get all your money-squandering schemes right here!

Speaking anonymously, an AGCO spokesperson, who preferred to be called Lucky staked his claim with, “We at AGCO are always searching for new games for our province’s players. Our goal is to provide the best methods to separate our customers from their hard-earned money.”

Does AGCO have a history of inventiveness, we wondered aloud.

“Oh, just this past year, we introduced wagering on sporting events like basketball, hockey, and baseball,” Lucky chanced, obviously not grasping the meaning of inventiveness, “Not only is Ontario the Hollywood of the north, but we want the added moniker of Las Vegas of the north, too.”

Asked how this latest mega-game came to be, Lucky offered, “One of our researchers read an article online last week (Pink diamond found it Angola), and came to realize there was a hitherto unknown competition that AGCO had not tapped.”

Ironically the latest loser could be your winner!

We prodded for greater detail, and Lucky went all in, “Seems there is an International Diamond Hide and Seek Competition (IDHSC) just waiting to be exploited!”

Lucky was more than pleased to explain the process.

“So, we reached out to the IDHSC, and insisted on covering their game. They were very secretive about the number of competitors, so we went a different route. Traditional games involve participant picking upwards of 7 “lucky” numbers. This time, you only have to pick one!”

A single-digit lottery seems very easy to win, but there are countless numbers from which to choose!

“Yes, this is where it gets interesting,” Lucky wagered, “You have to predict the number of carats of the next loser in the IDHSC!”

As the excitement dwindled at the presser, Lucky risked it all by announcing the new lottery’s mascot.

“We have engaged Bugs Bunny; now there’s a guy who knows his carats!”

Think he knows a homonym when he sees one?

Happy August Fools’ Day 2022, everyone!


2022 08 01