Dear (#104)

Villages of Heart Lake, ON – Launching a dabbling into the world of solicited advice isn’t likely to be easy, but the texts, DMs, emails, and telepathic messages are overwhelming here in the Home Office.

Pete of Carlton, Nottingham, UK wants to know, “How do you win the Stanley Cup?“

The hockey cup no one wears

dougzone: Great question, Pete, but I have never won the Stanley Cup! I would suggest learning to skate without holding onto the boards, buying a really cool stick, and start writing letters to NHL teams. It’s bound to work.

Ralph of Georgetown, ON asks, “How do I thank the woman who first drove me to drink?“

dougzone: Wouldn’t that be a treat, Ralph! Personally, I recommend a gift card mailed anonymously to avoid police involvement. It worked for me!

Sean from Brampton, ON wants to know, “How do I convert my rental storage locker into a cool place to meet cool people?“

dougzone: Sean, I highly recommend reading the rental agreement. After completing that task, ask yourself: How cool are people that would be willing to meet me in a storage locker? Meanwhile, I have to ask, “Where is the unit, and what time?”

Trent,a Mississaugan, has a commuter question: “Where do I catch Caledon Transit’s subway train in Fergus, ON?“

dougzone: T Dog, all of Caledon Transit’s stops are printed on the back of their tokens. Visit a local convenience store to acquire them. Good luck!

Nicole resides in Oakville, and asks, “How do i write a good novel?”

dougzone: What you should do is read all the good novels, then write something that those novelists didn’t. What could be easier?

An example of a popular work of fiction

Dave’s (Amherstburg, ON) question is out of this world: How do I get to space?

dougzone: Space is everywhere you look if you look up. Getting there isn’t as easy. Best suggestion we have is to stowaway on one of those rocketry things. Problem solved.

Simon resides in Toronto, ON, and poses this question: Do you like beer too?

Dougzone: Yes, Simon, I do like beer. You know I do, so stop asking, please!

We get it, Simon!

Ryan from Bolton offers this puzzler: “I was told that bricks are asleep.”

dougzone: Thanks for our first posited statement, Ryan.

Well, it seems the questions weren’t as numerous as first imagined. As soon as there are more, you’ll be the first to see about it!


2023 03 09

Signs of the times (#101)

Truro, UK – An advertisement in a bus stop for McDonald’s McCrispy chicken sandwich has raised a few eyebrows locally. The bus stop in question unfortunately is located next to a road sign that directs motorist to the Penmount Crematorium. Comments about the ad being in poor taste, prompted a representative of the company to suggest, “We were not aware of the bus stop’s proximity to a crematorium, and have asked that the advert be removed.”

No McCrispys available here*   (*actual bus stop and crematorium sign)

Surely this isn’t the only situation in which a billboard can be misplaced either deliberately, or accidentally.

For instance, this advert placed near a brothel could be deemed controversial, if not misleading.

This guy’s a tool

Can you imagine the discomfort induced in potential patients if this sign were posted in close proximity of a urology clinic?

Don’t come near my faucet with wrench!

The posting of this particular signage anywhere close to a venue in which AA meetings are held would have to amount to entrapment!

Mmmm beer!

And this final display in the vicinity of a synagogue, gurdwara, mosque, or temple would be tantamount to invasion of privacy…

although it would be perfectly acceptable adjacent to a bank or credit union!


2023 02 15