Catfish draw the line

On a murky river bottom near Windsor, ON

In an hastily-called press conference, Canadian catfish have called for an end to the term “catfished”.

Speaking through an interpreter, Ms. Pylodictis olivaris exclaimed, “We have had enough of this slight from humans!  Despite our bottom-feeding nature, we have provided humankind with a cleaning service like no other.”

Like the water surrounding the hastily assembled sound equipment, the nature of Ms. olivaris’ species’ dismay remained unclear.

“When this derogatory term was first associated with incidents of teenage human females pranking their male counterparts, we weren’t pleased, but put it down to hormonal adjustments evident in that species,” Ms. olivaris added.

The proceedings were suspended when our interpreter experienced difficulty focusing as a globule of unidentified waste struck him in the head.

Ms. olivaris eventually was invited to continue, and after wiping some sludge from her lips, she said, “As that offensive term gained more popularity with the land-dwellers, we became more and more incensed.”

After joking down a drifting piece of indistinguishable matter, olivaris spewed her final remarks.

“However, when that ugliest of Homo sapiens, Tony Clement, chose to associate himself with our common name, we knew something had to be done!”

As a strong smelling current carried the spokesfish away from the microphone, it was believed she uttered, “The image of that man makes me want to puke!”

2018 11 09


Local Man Set to Compose World’s Last Musical

The end of Musicals called for

Georgetown, ON

George Town, of no fixed address (although in Georgetown), has told anyone who will listen that he is composing the world’s last musical.

“That’s right, “ he muttered, “That format of entertainment has been around since 1898, and it has run its course!  Name a real life situation where people break into song, except at concerts?”

Mr. Town proceeded to itemize that every possible topic has been represented already.

“There are musicals about people: Mame, Tommy, Annie, Porgy & Bess, and Evita,” Town listed.

“Then there’s Fiddler on The Roof that has to be about a rooftop pedophile,  Pirates of Penzance is clearly the prequel to the film Captain Phillips, and Annie Get Your Gun that is obviously an NRA production promoting armed females!”

No, Town was quite finished with his press conference a.k.a. monologue.

“Do we really require travelogue plays too?  I submit that New York, New York, Chicago, South Pacific, Brigadoon, and Meet Me in St. Louis are just that.”

Not disenchanted with the lack of enthusiasm from this reporter, Town ranted on.

“Why did the world need a musical about urology: The Wiz, cloning: Hello, Dolly, and even one about a lousy golfer: Bye Bye Birdie,” Town whined.

Finally, our wannabe composer got around to announcing his ultimate creation.

“Since this particularly medium has no place in today’s world and it stinks, I am calling the world’s last musical DUMP!”

Town was last seen gathering empty beer bottles with which to fund his shitty production.