Welcome to dougzone

Comber, ON – Roy and Mildred Old-Orchard, formerly of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, who recently moved to this wee village in Ontario for the benefits of its southern clime and being “flat AF as Saskatchewan,” have encountered some oddities since their arrival.

“Moving almost 3 000 km east, we knew we would encounter a change of time,” Roy stated proudly. “Our education had informed us of the work of fellow Canadian Sir Sanford Fleming with respect to the world’s time zones.”

But time also presented the first of the Old-Orchard’s astonishments.

“Being from Saskatchewan, where the citizenry are aware of the work of Johannes Kepler regarding planetary motion, and Sir Isaac Newton’s Laws of Motion,” Mildred interjected, “Roy and I found Ontario’s semi-annual attempt to save daylight particularly peculiar! I am sorry, but the laws of physics dictate that is a ridiculous exercise.”

The Old-Orchards profess to one other fact about Ontario that is the real crux of their puzzlement. Roy expressed it with all due caution.

“Our former provincial capital, Regina, rhymes with a part of the female anatomy that I am not comfortable uttering in Mildred’s presence, but since arriving in Ontario, we have wondered why T-O-R-O-N-T-O isn’t pronounced Tunt!”

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 11 07

Toronto, ON –It was recently revealed Doug Ford, Premier of Ontario, has dispensed with his French language training.  Not since his first year of high school, has he stopped learning the second official language of Canada, and his province.

Travailleur “Trav” Reculer was tasked with helping the Premier acquire a language which he assured the press, “I am doing all I can, (except learn it).”

“Tabernacle!” Mr. Reculer exclaimed when asked how the lessons had progressed.

“Hit was quite the shallenge,” Reculer continued, “He ‘as a distinct issue with de hEnglish, so to learn un autre language is hunderstandably difficile, n’est-ce pas!”

Reculer indicated he tried the Socratic Method at first.

“When hI would hask un question, ‘e would always refer me to won of ‘is cabinet ministers for de hanswer. The more hI pressed ‘im for hanswers, ‘e would just leave de room.”

Another stumbling block in the Premier’s language learning was his insistence on only certain phrases.

“Mon dieu, ‘e kept hafter me for honly ha few terms. ‘is favourite seemed to be ‘folks’, and ‘e insisted on knowing ‘ow to say ‘work ‘is back off’! Hi had to tell ‘im more than wonce deres no French for non hexistent hEnglish phrase.”

Such persistence was deemed out of sorts for Reculer’s adult student.

“If ‘e ‘ad just put d’effort hinto learning the words dat exist en Français, ‘e could ‘ave passed peut être.”

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 10 31

Caesarea, IL – An amateur scuba diver, Shlomi Katzin, located a metre-long sword off the northern coast of Israel near the town of Caesarea. The sword is believed to be 900 years-old, and probably founds it way to the seabed of the Mediterranean during the crusades. Mr. Katzin immediately turned it over to Marine Archaeology Unit (MAU) of the Israel Antiquities Authority (IAA).

“Oh, that’s where it went!” said Sir Sparrow from beyond the Round Table.

One of the hardly known knights of that time, Sir Sparrow spent much of his time hiding.

“My page, Ralph, was nicknamed Sir Klutz for his clumsiness,” Sir Sparrow added, as if being assertive were in his list of characteristics. “While disembarking from our ship for what would be my one and only crusade, Ralph dropped my sword into the Mediterranean Sea.

It seems Sir Sparrow took a lot of grief during his short-lived crusade.

“Yes, I was called Sir Run-a-lot, Sir Chicken, but the worst was Sir Lance-So-Little. Ah, the lads were mean, but fair!”

As for Shlomi Katzin, he was given a certificate of appreciation for good citizenship, and an offer to change his name by the MAU of the IAA.

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 10 20

London, UK – The Metropolitan Police Service (The Met) has released a forensic-artist’s sketch of a man nicknamed The Over-the-Garden-Wall Guy for his resemblance to a man who has made a quick exit from the home of a lover when her husband returned home unexpectedly.

The Met is seeking any information from witnesses, or dashboard camera owners.

Klaipėda, Lithuania – A team of gastroenterologists at Klaipėda University Hospital spent hours removing a kilogram of nails, screws, and bolts from the stomach of a man who had recently given up alcohol. Complaining of stomach pain, the gentleman eventually admitted to self-medicating for a suspected iron deficiency.

“Vithout his daily intake of booze, we figure he vanted to get “hammered” again, or had lost all hope of getting ever “screwed,” postulated Dr. Šarūnas Dailidėnas humourlessly. “One thing is for surely, medical shtudents vill have to add “fastener-itis” to their glossary of terms!”

London, UK – This just in! The Met has located a CCTV image of the individual previously identified as The Over-the-Garden-Wall Guy.

Turns out this individual is well known to police as the London Town Liar.

Copyright © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 10 06

Uppsala, SE – A peculiar sound has been heard recently in Sweden. A team of investigators was dispatched to locate the source. Weeks of exhaustive searching concluded when the noise was determined to be emanating from a graveyard in Uppsala, a city north of Stockholm.

Upon approaching the bone orchard in question, the detectives were met by a spokesghost for Carl Linnaeus.

As if a tour guide at the Carl Linnaeus Museum, the spectre began with a brief history of the world famous botanist, zoologist, taxonomist, and physician.

“Carl Linnaeus was born in 1707, died 1778, and developed a system of classifying living things entitled Systema Naturae that is used to this day!” he proclaimed proudly.

The museum-speak did not end there.

“Imagine the work involved in deciding on five kingdoms into which all livings belong. Linnaeus’ taxonomy uses discreet criteria to segregate the living items. Plants are very different from animals obviously.” The spokesghost was relentless in its education of the assembled masses.

“Mammals, although quite varied, are unique as a class of animals for having mammary glands responsible for milk production. Mammals cannot be plants!”

Finally getting around to the point, the spokesghost concluded, “According to Systema Naturae Soy, Almonds, and most recently potatoes cannot make MILK!”

What say you of the whirring sound that lured the group to Uppsala originally, spokesghost?

“The great Carl Linnaeus is spinning in his grave! Now, go away.”

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021   

2021 09 13

Solsona, Spain – This small Spanish town has erupted with the news that a local middle-aged man has left his place of employment for a younger, female author. The man in question was a bishop, the youngest ever appointed in Spain, and his lover is an author of satanic/erotic novels, Silvia Caballol!

Xavier Novell is his name, and he has hung up his habit, for one which his employers could not overlook.

“Yeah, you figure one of us gets that deep into his career he is going to finish the gig,” Cardinal Fang admitted. “He had a solid portfolio!”

A portfolio in this case consists of a list of credentials of men of the cloth.

Fang continued, “He had a pretty solid exorcism record, and we stuck with him on his “gay conversion advocacy” until that became a bit of a hot-button item. He was a rising star in the biz.”

Novell had gone to great lengths in his theorizing about gays saying it was caused by an absent and distant father figure.

“With many countries banning gay conversion, we decided in 2019 we could no longer condone such work,” Fang confessed. “However, it appears Novell Psalmed out!”

“Psalming out” is a reference to a verse in Psalm 23: “Thy rod, and thy staff they comfort me,” which seems to be taken euphemistically in the church.

“The one thing we cannot condone is when one of our guys ‘Baiser le vagin’, as the French say.  Anywhere, but there!” Fang added disgustedly.

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 09 08

(Primer: In the world of bagel preparation, it is accepted an initial cut is made horizontally, and a second cut, made perpendicularly to the initial cut, is performed to make the food item more socially acceptable for consumption. The following article deals specifically with said second cut.)

Gravenhurst, ON – Tim Hortons Inc. is a multinational fast food restaurant chain. It is Canada’s largest quick-service restaurant chain, with 4 846 restaurants in 14 countries as of December 31, 2018. The introduction of bagels to the menu created an issue. Marketing Manager, Sue Muskoka, explained.

“The introduction of bagels to our menu created an issue,” she said redundantly. “In order to maintain our quick-service restaurant status, we had to activate our Time Study personnel. Bagel prepped requires plenty of time.”

The shape of a bagel appeared to create an unforeseen problem.

“In our study, the bagel’s shape created a problem, “Sue said as if confirming an order. “Health & Safety examiners noted the awkwardness of the item, so we purchased bagel-slicing templates. Now, you add overhead to the cost analysis.”

What about the “Holy Grail” of the bagel offering: the second cut.

Sue, who obviously worked her way up the ranks from kitchen to the managerial level, rephrased the question, “Now everyone wants to know about the second cut. Our cost analysis indicated an additional cutting surface would be required to actuate the second slice, so we elected to train our people to refrain from performing the entire second carve.”

But what of the inconvenience to customers who drive with their knees at 120 km/h while attempting to separate their bagels halves?

“That is nothing compared to the social media posts we endure when a customer mistakenly receives a completely cut bagel! Sue exclaimed. “Our cost analysis neglected to include the expense for additional social-media handlers!”

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 09 01

Quispamsis, NB – A town in maritime province of New Brunswick is upset with the presence of bee feces. They are so upset that the town council is considering a bylaw amendment, although they think it is a provincial matter given that it has an Apiary Inspection Act.

Town engineer and spokesman, Gary Losier suggested, “This issue of bee poop is a new one to me!”

“What the hell do they expected?” the world famous spokesbee, Billy Bee, exclaimed ape-shittedly. “Beeszzz shit! Szzzo what?”

Bees are known to take “cleansing flights”.

“Yeah, you try working in the tight confinezzz of a hive for hourzzz on end,” Billy continued to rant, “We are permitted relief time, like any other job, so we tend to exzzzit the hive to drop a deucezzz.”

As for the consistency and colour of a bee’s turds, Mr. Bee has no remorse.

“We szzzlave away in our hivezzz, and work with all szzzortszzz of different honeyzzz. What call you possibly expect from uszzz?”

Billy had one more point to make.

“Hey, if it weren’t for uszz beeszz shitting, you never would have heard of Quiszzzpamszziszz, New Brunszzzwick?”

After he regained his composure, Billy Bee was overheard to say, “Man, I have got to get this looszzze tooth fixed!”

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 08 23

News item: U.S. extends border restrictions with Canada until Sept. 21

1. They need more time to contemplate…

a) the silent “U” in neighbour and colour, but not liquor.

b) why Monopoly money is considered foreign currency?

c) why Canadian bacon isn’t just “ham”?

d) “True north strong and free”, but more Americans live north of parts of Canada than Canadians.

e) the whole “Zed” thing.

2. Because Canadians ridicule American macro-beer, but hoard the micro-beer.

3. Feeble attempt to influence judge’s decision in the Meng Wanzhou case.

4. One less place for Doug Ford to hide during Canadian federal election.

5. There’s a country between us, and the North Pole?

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 08 20

Ottawa, ON – With Canada just days (barely ankle-deep at this point) into a federal election, campaign promises are being released hourly. Assurances of pharmacare, daycare, and vaccine mandates have been offered already.

The latest proposal is for a Goods & Services Tax (GST) holiday in December 2021, and GST is ecstatic!

“I haven’t had even the hint of a break since being implemented on January 1, 1991,” GST exclaimed at a hastily called presser, “That’s over 20 goddamn years without some down time!”

Initially set at 7%, the tax was initiated by then Prime Minister Brian “The Chin” Mulroney.

GST continued its rant.

“Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the downgrade to working 6%, and currently 5%, but it is all the fucking time!”

Over the last 20 years, there have been calls for a tax-break, but usually from a federal party in opposition or a minority situation. As a result, nothing has ever come of the suggestion.

Happy to have an audience, GST blurted, “Oh, baby! I have heard about some sweet spots around the world from GST-paying tourists. I am going to buy myself a tax-free blanket as soon as I am on “vacay”, and head south!”

One reporter was alert enough, even after this dazzling session, to point out travel restrictions are in place due to Covid-19.

“Well, son of a bitch!” GST screamed. “Finally get some time off, and I have nowhere to go.”

Welcome to the pandemic, GST.

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2021

2021 08 17