There’s to be a new game in town!

Toronto, ON – The Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario (AGCO) is working out the fine details of a brand new, never-before-seen betting scheme for Ontarians.

Get all your money-squandering schemes right here!

Speaking anonymously, an AGCO spokesperson, who preferred to be called Lucky staked his claim with, “We at AGCO are always searching for new games for our province’s players. Our goal is to provide the best methods to separate our customers from their hard-earned money.”

Does AGCO have a history of inventiveness, we wondered aloud.

“Oh, just this past year, we introduced wagering on sporting events like basketball, hockey, and baseball,” Lucky chanced, obviously not grasping the meaning of inventiveness, “Not only is Ontario the Hollywood of the north, but we want the added moniker of Las Vegas of the north, too.”

Asked how this latest mega-game came to be, Lucky offered, “One of our researchers read an article online last week (Pink diamond found it Angola), and came to realize there was a hitherto unknown competition that AGCO had not tapped.”

Ironically the latest loser could be your winner!

We prodded for greater detail, and Lucky went all in, “Seems there is an International Diamond Hide and Seek Competition (IDHSC) just waiting to be exploited!”

Lucky was more than pleased to explain the process.

“So, we reached out to the IDHSC, and insisted on covering their game. They were very secretive about the number of competitors, so we went a different route. Traditional games involve participant picking upwards of 7 “lucky” numbers. This time, you only have to pick one!”

A single-digit lottery seems very easy to win, but there are countless numbers from which to choose!

“Yes, this is where it gets interesting,” Lucky wagered, “You have to predict the number of carats of the next loser in the IDHSC!”

As the excitement dwindled at the presser, Lucky risked it all by announcing the new lottery’s mascot.

“We have engaged Bugs Bunny; now there’s a guy who knows his carats!”

Think he knows a homonym when he sees one?

Happy August Fools’ Day 2022, everyone!

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2022 08 01

Pink diamond located in Angola

Lulo, Angola – The most recent loser of the International Diamond Hide and Seek Competition (IDHSC) has met its match. Named the Lulo Rose by the company that discovered it, the rock is 170 carats and pink!

What a loser!

According to the Lucapa Diamond Mine, which is an alluvial mine, this failure of a competitor was found lying in an old river bed!

When interviewed by our interpreter, Lulo Rose was alleged to have exclaimed, “Shǃt, p!ss, f#@k, mother#@ker, C#nt, c@cks#cker,” or 85.7142% of a full Carlin. (Ed. According to our interpreter, the seventh of the Carlinians, t!ts, is rarely used as an expletive.)

Back at IDHSC headquarters, the organizers are tight-lipped as to the number and type of its remaining competitors.

Heart of Eternity lost out in 2000

A member of the IDHSC did offer some background information.

“We obviously congratulate the remaining competitors,” said Lou “Not Diamond” Phillips, “However; we have had some very famous also-rans. Most recently Heart of Eternity allowed itself to be plucked from a mine in 2000, and before that we had Centenary, Star of Sierra Leone, a pair named Cullinan 1 and Cullinan were found ten years apart, and of course the Hope Diamond was uncovered in the 1600s.”

A remarkable history of losing!

“Ah, but one of the earliest know washouts was a stone believed to have been used as a door-stop by Fred Flintstone’s great-great-grandfather on his mother’s side. Org Flintstone, of course, is renowned for inventing the door!”

Flintstone pictured here using the family heirloom as a bowling ball

Meanwhile, having completed its rant, Lulo Rose was being bathed, and prepared for shipment to the nearest auction house where its reward as a down-and-outer is predicted to be significant. In the diamond world, you see, members are still judged by their colour.

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2022 07 28

Premier decries spate of memes*

*not his words

Muskoka, ON – From an undisclosed location in Muskoka, Premier Doug Ford seems to have taken offence at a recent series of memes created on Twitter at his expense.

“Folks,” he started traditionally, “This collection of memes is really disturbing my vacation. Now, here’s one here where they started with a standard photo of me with Prime Minister Trudeau.”

Ed. Trudeau appears ready to bust a gut

“Now, whoever takes that, and because I use to hands to help me speak, this happens…”

Ed. Remember the Schmenge Brothers from SCTV?

“Now, anyone who knows me knows I can’t play the accordion, in fact it is a terrible musical instrument.”

“Or how about this one?”

Ed. The man loves his nephew

“In this one I am “telling” the PM I have solved youth unemployment by giving my nephew a job in government. In fact, my nephew is the new Minister of Citizenship & Immigration for Ontario! In my opinion people come to Ontario (immigrate), and stay (citizenate) in this fine province of Ontario. Mikey, I like to call him that, is a rookie MPP, but he is the finest Minister of Citizenship & Immigration we have!”

“Thankfully, these Twitterers moved onto another photo, but they just won’t leave me alone! I work my back (Ed. It is believed he means backside, or ass) off, and these next photos really get my goat.”

3 erroneous* uses of one photo           *again not his word

“#1, I am bragging about a fish I caught. I don’t fish; they are icky to touch. #Next, I am supposedly working out, but my hands are busy talking, so Mikey is helping me from behind. I can tell you, Mikey doesn’t have the reach! And #C, I was alleged to have planned weekend work, but played crokinole instead. Again, I am fortunate enough to have a cottage to relax; it is not for working at. Did you know some regular people actually live in a house, or an apartment in Muskoka? Unbelievable, eh!”

At the conclusion of his rant, Premier Ford was heard to ask if he had a Minister of Social Media who could investigate these untruths.

“No! Then make me one!” he bellowed, “And who wants a game of crokinole?”

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2022 07 20

Federal government employs well known technique

Ottawa, ON – In the spring of 2020, the Canadian federal government introduce the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit (CERB). Recipients included any citizen of working age who was put out of work due to the impact of the pandemic caused by the Corona virus. Recipients were entitled to up to $2000/month until restrictions were lifted.

While the pandemic has not ended, restrictions on the citizenry have, for the most part, been lifted. The Canadian Revenue Agency (CRA) has been charged with a post-pandemic assessment of the eligibility of members of the workforce for CERB. The reclamation of some funds from numerous claimants has begun.

We’d like some back, please

“So, I gets this letter in the traditional brown envelope from the CRA,” says William “Bill me” Freeloader, “And here I was thinking it’s my CERB cheque, but it ain’t!”

Freeloader had, in fact, received one of 1.7 million such letters mailed across the country.

“I was like holy shit! Martha, the wells gone dry,” Freeloader whined.

Freeloader wasn’t alone. Many recipients of the claw-back letter began to question its validity.

The fun begins, or does it?

“The masthead (see above), resembles the artistry of the scammer,” proclaimed Richard “Don’t call me Dick” Richardson, “I figured I could have done better with MS Paint.”

Still others were concerned about the font, the colour of the ink, and the offer to click a hyperlink on a piece of paper.

“Yeah, this had scam written all over it”, added Richardson, but turns out, it wasn’t!”

Thousands of former CERB recipients were convinced it wasn’t legit.

When questioned, the fine people at CRA revealed the secret.

“At CRA we are proud of the work we do, but knew this reclamation was going to be a tough gig,” a spokesperson spoke under a cloud of anonymity. “However, we had heard of the overwhelming success of phishing schemes around the world, so thought we could catch quite a few Canadians with that style of appeal.”

When a follow-up query was presented, the spokesperson said, “”We continuously review client feedback about all of our communications, and this feedback informs the way we exchange information with clients. Thankfully many blindly forwarded their portions, so we were able to cover the cost of all the phone calls we had to receive. Here at CRA, we call that a win-win!”

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2022 07 18

Protest over QR-coded stamps in UK

Slough, UK – In startling news from The United Kingdom, stamps issued by the Royal Mail featuring QR-codes are being protested by The Handwritten Letter Appreciation Society. What is truly startling about this protest is the revelation that The Handwritten Letter Appreciation Society exists!

Not like the barcode is on her arse!

Founder Dinah Johnson finds herself, “A bit affronted by the high-tech impinging on the pristine pastime of letter-writing.”

She has designed a cover-up for the offending item.

New tech masked by old teach

In related quirky-organization news, the following are yet to be located, but probably exist in a neighbourhood near you.

Righteous Individuals Upset By Nostril Hangers – This collective of mousey persons are reviled by morsels of dried mucous dangling from one or more nostrils. While disturbed by such incidents, these people are too shy to mention it to the oblivious offender.

“Ah, you got a little something!”

Late Night Headlamp Vigilantes (TNHV)– This intrepid gang of dusk-to-dawn drivers cruise the highways and byways in search of other drivers who fail to turn on their car’s headlights. The real fun begins as the TNHV membership gesture and flicker their own lights in order to entice compliance with the Highway/Motorway Traffic Acts of the world.

Bowel Howlers – These finger-pulling offerers prefer to evacuate the gaseous contents of their innards publicly.  The thankfully miniscule lot of anal blowhards can be found worldwide.

Oldest trick in the book

The Over The Top Shit-Ticket Brigade – This wily collective employ alleged ancient copyright drawing and modern-day memes to coerce the non-compliant into hanging toilet rolls in their preferred way. (Ed. Who gives a shit? Honestly!)

A preschooler could draw that shit!

The preceding in no way is a complete catalogue of odd individuals. This topic may have to be revisited in the future.

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2022 07 08

Screwdriver attack deemed mistaken identity

Saskatoon, SK- A man was viciously attacked while visiting Royal University Hospital in this Canadian prairie city. The victim remains in critical condition, and an assailant has been charged with attempted murder.

The court documents do not identify the weapon, so dougzone22 contacted Robertson “Don’t call me square head” Phillips at a local hardware store.

A portrait of the extended screwdriver family

“Well, there are fifteen different types of screws that employ up to fifteen different drivers at last count,” Phillips said authoritatively, “and each has multiple sizes in Imperial and Metric measure.”

Realizing Phillips’ level of excitement, dougzone asked for a simplified dissertation.

Phillips rejoined with, “Most laypeople can identify the two basic screws; slot, and Phillips, but Robertson, Torx, Hex, Pozidrive, Schrader, Allen, and Spanner types also exist.

Show us your tips!

Reluctant to indicate that 15 types weren’t listed by our expert, we instead asked about benefits of a select few.

Phillips instantly connected, and added, “Slot can often be used in a Phillips head, Phillips will work in a Pozidrive, and vice versa. Meanwhile Robertson will occasionally turn a Phillips and Pozidrive screw.”

Minds blown with the hardware overload, this reporter returned to the Saskatoon courthouse where an assessment of the accused revealed he has “a screw loose”, and it is expected the “screws” will be put to him at the impending trial.

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2022 06 30

They haven’t the foggiest

Grand Banks, NL – A major scientific research study is set to begin off Canada’s east coast.  The $7.5 million project funded by the US Dept of Defence hopes to learn how to predict when fog will occur. It is estimated 50 to 60 people in Canada die each from fog-related issues. The Americans are sending some fogologists to cruise the Atlantic Ocean from the Sable Islands of Nova Scotia to Newfoundland & Labrador’s Grand banks.

The extent of current fog knowledge

Swede Fogol is the lead member of the team.

“For me to become a fogologist (one who studies fog) seemed a no-brainer,” Fogol admitted. “The classes at the Fog Academy were rather small.”

When professors at the Fog Academy were asked to confirm Fogol’s credentials, they responded, “Oh, we know Swede Fogol!”

He’s all fogged up!

Seeing a well-funded-by-Americans project, numerous Canadians are literally hopping on board, including researchers from the Department of Environment and Climate Change Canada, York University, the Department of Fisheries and Oceans, the Marine Environmental Observation, Prediction and Response Network and Dalhousie University in Halifax.

“This level of underwriting for research is scarce bye, so we backed our bags, and made our way to Halifax harbour, for sure!” exclaimed Dr. O. “Baby” Siris, spokesperson for the Canadian contingent. “Of course, we brought our fiddles, and we don’t go very far without some Screech!”

What the fog?

If they don’t find fog at the Grand Banks, the crew can always have their own heads examined!

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2022 06 22

Blood-sucking Lampreys are back!

Belleisle Bay, NB – Sea Lampreys have been seen returning to this New Brunswick waterway to get at it, and lay eggs at the end of their 14-year lifecycle.

Cute as a kitten at this point

Lampreys are fish that are often mistakenly identified as eels. Like many people, they look completely harmless until they open their mouths.

This sucker is not so cute

Marc Gaden is communications director and legislative liaison for the Great Lakes Fishery Commission, and offers insider information about the predators.

“Lampreys have numerous teeth, and a tongue that has teeth too, Gaden offered timidly. “They latch onto their prey then drill into the host to access its nutrients.”

Gaden appears to take Lampreys quite seriously

When these predator fish get into the Great Lakes, their prey is much more susceptible.

The meekly mannered Gaden added, “Yes, the smaller fish of the inland lakes are generally smaller, and cannot withstand the Lamprey parasite.”

Asked for evidence of the Lamprey effect on the Great lakes Fishery, Gaden shyly suggested, “A single Lamprey can kill 10 kilograms of fish in a year!”

Unexpectedly, Gaden suggested a lamprey “parlour game”.

“Lampreys will latch, but not bore into warm-blooded creatures,” Gaden offered sheepishly. “Here try it!”

“Partygoers” sample a Lamprey Latch

As the interview was about to end, someone in the assembled press corps farted, and Gaden lost his composure.

OOPS!

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2022 06 15

When a dust jacket flaps its flaps

London, UK – Breaking news: A book was returned to the Tooting Library in London recently.

While this event is not unheard of in all libraries of the world, this particular book was 48 years, and 107 days late! Not surprizingly, the book was mailed to the library anonymously; however, rather surprizingly all the way from Port Moody, BC, in Canada!

Operations Manager of the Wandsworth Libraries, Christopher “Shhh” Arnsby was quietly shocked.

Arnsby proudly, yet quietly displays the tardy publication

At a barely audible level, Arnsby whispered, “Our records date back to the 1980s, so we weren’t aware this book was even missing. This has to be our longest-overdue ever!”

The associated fine could have been significant.

“The overdue charge could have been £6,000 (approx. $9,440), if we hadn’t capped our toll at £8.50 in recent years,” a hardly perceptible Arnsby exclaimed. “In this particular situation, we are waiving the fee.”

Clearly checked out on February 19, 1974; why so tardy?

Tracked down by the BBC, Tony Spence, a retired provincial court judge, denies any knowledge of taking the book from the London library, although admits to finding it in a crawlspace in his home.

 “Yeah, we were doing a deep cleanse up at the house, and there it was,” Spence admitted while reminding us no one had read him his rights.

“Furthermore, I intended to write a note of apology, but simply forgot,” he added guiltily.

“If you can’t pay the toll, don’t borrow the tome,” quips Law Society of Canada

It is believed The Law Society of Canada is to review all trials over which Spence officiated, “because if the man could not adhere to library rules, which other laws did he ignore?”

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2022 06 12

Hamilton man pushes stroller to victory!

Buffalo, NY – A Canadian man, who resides in Hamilton Ontario, won the Buffalo Marathon while pushing his infant son in a stroller. Lucas McAneney and his two-year-old son finished the race 16 seconds ahead of their nearest competitor.

“Did he make a wrong turn at Walden galleria?”

McAneney had hoped to break the Guinness World Record for such a feat.

“Yeah, we had to get special permission,” the jubilant runner exclaimed, “That didn’t happen, but we had fun anyway!”

Executive Director, Greg Weber confirmed, “We were of the opinion that this record could be broken, and changed the rules in hopes of garnering some notoriety. Although he didn’t break the record, McAneney performed very well under the circumstances.”

Asleep on the job?

Sutton, the two-year old, wants the win listed in his name.

“That Weber fellow claims I didn’t “run” the race, so I am not eligible for the victory.”

Weber concurred, “Only actual runners can be named as winners; that is true.”

The little McAneney continued to rant.

“Dad and I have trained extensively for this. This was my first official marathon,” whined Sutton. “I don’t read yet, but I have watched the news recently. When that gun went off at the beginning, I am not ashamed to admit, I literally shit my pants!”

Maintaining a 3:38/km pace did not allow for diaper changes.

The junior McAneney added, “At the finish line, I was not asleep, but unconscious due to the diaper rash! I should have chosen Penaten as my sponsor.”

To the victor go the sores

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2022 06 09