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A third wave of Coved*-19 is the charm!

by Doug Ford

Listen folks, let me be perfectly blunt! I am convinced a third wave of Coved*-19 is exactly what we need in Ontario.

At this point, the Docs have made it perfectly clear that the variance* are here to stay, and I am going all in! As you know, I didn’t complete high school, but I know enough from my drug-running days to go with the flow!

Ontario has the best nurses. I tell anyone who will listen, “Ontario has the best nurses!”

My friends, I could lockdown this province again, but we need the economy. The economists at the Science Table say, “We need the economy.”

By the way, we have the best Science Table in the country! Even the Docs tell me, “That is the best Science Table we have seen!”

As a shout-out to the people of Ontario, I say, “Let’s embrace this third wave, and show it all that Ontario has to offer. People, as the goal posts change, we have to change. If we work together and collaboratively, we can make this happen.”

Before I leave, because I have to blink after staring at this teleprompter, I want the fine people of Ontario to know we are going to copyright the oxymoron “relaxed lockdown” to help pay for all the fantastic PPE we have procured for all of our frontline workers, and teachers.

Funny story, Letch* used the word oxymoron in my presence recently, and I almost pounded him back to private school. Thank goodness I have some of the finest etymologists in the country; they understand.

*DougFordisms

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2021 03 20

RCMP Academy: Regina, SK

“Tabernacle!  I cannot believe what day want me to do,” raved Sgt. Serge “Rouge” Protecteur.

(For the remainder of this article, Sgt Protecteur’s words will be translated from the “Frenglish” he typically speaks)

Sgt Protecteur acts as the lead designer for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).  It seems a suggested hiring-policy alteration has Sgt Protecteur’s jodhpurs in a bunch.

In order to expand the dwindling ranks of Canada’s police force, the RCMP have hinted they may allow candidates with a criminal record to apply.

Protecteur continued his rant, “For decades, the uniform has been a piece of cake to make: Red jacket, blue pants with yellow strapping, brown boots, Sam Browne belt, and assorted badges.  Oh, and the brown felt glass-flat hat is in there too!”

“Admittedly, the women have never enjoyed the fit of the jodhpurs because they accentuate the derriere” he exclaimed exorbitantly.

With his ostentatious nature seizing control of his language, Protecteur spewed forth with his personal opinion of the rumoured change.

“Our motto has been: A Mountie always gets his man.  Now it can change to: A Mountie can always just arrest his partner!

But ultimately, the uniform adjustment is what annoys Protecteur beyond civility.

“If I am to bring orange jumpsuits into the wardrobe to help criminals transition to law enforcement, everyone knows you can’t even rhyme with orange, let alone compliment it!” as he stormed off to look for swatches.

Copyright © Waste of Inc. 2018

On a murky river bottom near Windsor, ON

In an hastily-called press conference, Canadian catfish have called for an end to the term “catfished”.

Speaking through an interpreter, Ms. Pylodictis olivaris exclaimed, “We have had enough of this slight from humans!  Despite our bottom-feeding nature, we have provided humankind with a cleaning service like no other.”

Like the water surrounding the hastily assembled sound equipment, the nature of Ms. olivaris’ species’ dismay remained unclear.

“When this derogatory term was first associated with incidents of teenage human females pranking their male counterparts, we weren’t pleased, but put it down to hormonal adjustments evident in that species,” Ms. olivaris added.

The proceedings were suspended when our interpreter experienced difficulty focusing as a globule of unidentified waste struck him in the head.

Ms. olivaris eventually was invited to continue, and after wiping some sludge from her lips, she said, “As that offensive term gained more popularity with the land-dwellers, we became more and more incensed.”

After joking down a drifting piece of indistinguishable matter, olivaris spewed her final remarks.

“However, when that ugliest of Homo sapiens, Tony Clement, chose to associate himself with our common name, we knew something had to be done!”

As a strong smelling current carried the spokesfish away from the microphone, it was believed she uttered, “The image of that man makes me want to puke!”

2018 11 09

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2018