Episode 60

(Ed. On the occasion of episode 60, a double dip of satire!)

NBA and CFL have team chaplains!

Toronto, ON In a rare moment of radio journalism, a Canadian chaplain, Herbie Kuhn, revealed he is doubly employed with the Toronto Raptors of the National Basketball Association (NBA), and the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League (CFL).

(Side note, both teams operate under the umbrella on Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) to complete the initialism trifecta in this piece.)

“Bless you fans for supporting my gigs”

As peculiar as it seems to have one guy offering spiritual assistance to two different sports team, who knew sports teams had chaplains?

“Yeah, it is a pretty sweet GG*,” Kuhn added officiously.

(*GG = God gig in chaplain-speak) (Ed. That Is 4 initialisms!)

When asked if he prays for wins for his flock of sweaty men, Kuhn was quick with the denial.

“Working for two professional teams in Canada, I have enough praying to keep my teams viable, let alone ensuring a field-goal-kicker splits the uprights!”

When asked about salary discrepancy between the leagues, Kuhn instantly declared, “Oh an entire CFL team’s salary is a fraction of one NBA player’s salary, so I really have to be careful in my dealings. I have to respect that a defensive guard may not be able to tithe near as much as an NBA point guard.”

The interviewer pointed out Herbie Kuhn also performs as the in-house announcer for the Raptors.

Muzzled so incessant praying doesn’t upset fans

It is assumed Kuhn took on the announcer role with the Raptors to compensate for his “mentoring” of the Argonauts.

NASA sending sexy pics to space!

Houston, TX – There was news recently suggesting NASA intends to send “dick pics”, and “titty teasers” into space in hopes of attracting aliens. The aliens are both pissed off, and excited.

Speaking through a Babel Fish in its sprogorm, Zardoz “Wanker” Lubewaster was visibly engorged.

“For fuck sake!, he ejaculated, “It has been 50 years since Pioneer perked my particular svermage appendage, if you know what I mean. What took so damn long?”

Plaque on Pioneer depicted naked humans, among other useless things

“Those 2D representations were quite enticing,” Lubewaster continued to ejaculate. When my neighbour, William “Longschlong” Svermagemeister, literally streamed Total Recall in 18 years later, we were hooked!”

A 50% bonus in 3D

By now, what we can only assume to be knee-deep in ejaculate, Zardoz spewed one more request.

“Hey, NASA! My buddy, Svermage-Spewer “Dustbowl” McSchloffelonger would like you to throw in a case of this KY lubricant we have been hearing about. Oh, and a bucket, please. Perhaps a dumpster is in order.”

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2022 05 30

Pokémon spokesman pissed off

Brechin, ON – The discovery of a 450-million-year-old fossil has raised the ire of characters in the Pokémon world again! Speaking from inside an old Nintendo game system Ash “Satoshi” Ketchum is livid.

Ash “Satoshi” Ketchum in happier times

“Holy shitballs,” Ketchum bellowed, “Not since 2016, have I been so upset!”

Mr. Ketchum is referencing an incident in Toronto in August that year.

“Mayor John Tory tried to give us the heave-ho that summer; said we were clogging up a ferry terminal,” Ketchum recalled.

Human nerds grieving the people of Pokémon

At the time, a portable version of the game called Pokémon Go offered players numerous “Pokéstops” at the Jack Leyton Ferry Terminal.

Ketchum continued to spew, “It wasn’t us imaginary characters, but the human nerds who needed to be sent away. We were there first, for fuck sake!”

The rather flashy Tomlinsonus dimitri (artist’s concept)

How does a fossil discovery bring grief to our imaginary friend?

“An article on CBC News, suggests Tomlinsonus dimitri resembles a Pokémon character, if you can fucking believe it!” Ash continued, “Not every dragon-like dinosaur is a Pokémon! We may be imaginary, but we have a heritage, and feelings too.”

Charizard doing its best “Tomlinsonus dimitri” impersonation

As Ash stormed off, he was overheard muttering, “Now, I can appreciate that otherwise idiotic politician wanting to defund the CBC.”

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2022 05 12

“Outer space” crime to be illegal in Canada

Ottawa, ON – The long arm of Canadian Law is set to reach to the Moon, and potentially beyond. Not since Canada signed 1967’s Outer Space Treaty has there seemed to be a need to refine the criminal code.

CanadArm 3 to be outfitted with matching bracelets

“As for the question of who prosecutes space crimes, the short answer is that a spacefaring criminal would generally be subject to the law of the country of which they are a citizen, or the country aboard whose registered spacecraft the crime was committed,” Danielle “Buzzy” Lightyear declared.

With the announcement of Canadian involvement in the Lunar Gateway, and the Artemis II mission to the Moon, an update to Canada’s criminal Code was seen as necessary.

“There was an incident on ISS in which an astronaut was accused to stealing money from her spouse’s bank account while she floated freely in space,” Lightyear enlightened her audience.

The new line on criminal code states: “A Canadian crew member who, during a space flight, commits an act or omission outside Canada that if committed in Canada would constitute an indictable offence is deemed to have committed that act or omission in Canada.”

In particular, it is anticipated Canadians will be forbidden to engage in any of the following misdemeanours:

1. Any Canadian playing music to help resurrect a Canadian band’s popularity will face having charges brought against him/her.

Canadians illustrate future misuse of Lunar Gateway

2. Consumption of alcoholic beverages will on the Moon will invoked the new criminal code.

Beer consumption in lunar spaces to be verboten and dangerous

3. Making false claims of weight-loss to your Earthbound weight-loss organization will be considered against the law.

Leave your weight-loss claims at home

4. Astronauts will break Canadian law if they participate in future weightlifting events during the Olympics.

Gold-medal calibre cheater

Canadian astronauts of the future take note!

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2022 04 30

What was the rush?

Whitehorse, YT – Earlier this month, “Skookum Jim” Mason was honoured posthumously by the International Astronomical Union (IAU) by having an asteroid named for him. Skookum Jim discovered gold in the Klondike, which initiated the Klondike gold rush in the late 1890s during which an estimated 100 000 people travelled to Canada’s Yukon Territory.  He established a trust to help improve the lives of Indigenous people in the Yukon with the fortune he made before his death in 1916. The trust still provides funds to this day.

Skookum Jim gave a shit about Yukoners

In other news, Al Youminium of Snelgrove, Ontario has been singled out by the Dumbass Union Headquarters (DUH) for starting the rush on toilet paper in the spring of 2020.

Mr. Yuminium denies the allegation, and denounces the recognition.

“I wasn’t feeling at all well that day,” Yuminium muttered denyingly. “My gut was telling me to stock up on shit-tickets; it wasn’t going to be pleasant!”

Shit out of luck!

Yuminium says he does recall others following that which he gainsays was his lead.

“Like I already said, I took two bundles of bog paper, because I was in distress. I may have said, ‘Oh, I am going to need a lot of this,’ out loud unwittingly.”

Well, the trend was a go, and DUH acknowledges his contribution to a worldwide shortage.

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2022 04 26

Twit and Twitter

Boca Chica, TX – The most famous resident of Boca Chica, Texas has to be Elon Musk. This past week, he got just a little more famous when he acquired a 9.2% stake in the social media platform that is Twitter.

Founded in 2006, Twitter has grown to be one of the world’s core venues for social discourse.

Look! Up in the sky! It’s a Twitter!

Founded in 1971, Elon Musk is known for owning Tesla, Inc., The Boring Co., and Space-X.  

Look! Up in the stock market! It’s Mr. More-Money-Than-Brains!

The interest in Musk’s interest in Twitter has been the focus of a shit tonne of media attention, primarily: What is Musk’s intention with Twitter? With his mere 9.2% (73.5 million shares) of Twitter stock worth $2.9 billion US, Musk now owns more shares that anyone else in the company!

Investors (a.k.a. speculators) on Wall Street, suspect he will drive to change how the platform operates. A few suggestions have been bandied.

Perhaps Musk will strive to tidy up that which he feels is a free-speech issue with the medium.

Alternatively, others hint at the addition of an Edit button within the app itself. Currently users have to delete, and recreate any tripe they erroneously posted. Oh, the virtual ink wasted!

The intrepid “reporters” at dougzone have discovered the actual reason for Elon Musk to have invested so heavily in Twitter.

Daddy bought Dragon a new sponsor!

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2022 04 11

Fortnite sales raise $36M for Ukraine

The Island, Fortnite – Fortnite owner, Epic Games, promised to donate all money raised to support humanitarian efforts in Ukraine through the sale of a new version of the very popular game. In the first day of sales, $36M US was collected. Determining how to deliver the cache of cash is the next hurdle.

“The 7, our usual troop of do-gooders, are contractually obligated to be available for game-play 24/7, so we are taking a different tack,” an Epic Games spokesperson explained.

Four of The 7 dropping a rap in lieu of cash

An alternate, although typical to Fortnite, drop system is being developed for this humanitarian endeavour.

 “Typically in Fortnite, gamers board the Battle Bus, and make their way to the destination. We envision developing a real battle bus to float our donation agents to Ukraine,” the spokesperson offered.

Battle Bus fare is not cheap

Given that a real Battle Bus is doable, the donation still has to make it to Ukraine.  Hopefully, the next stage of delivery is less complicated.

This device should be fairly innocuous over Ukraine

Our contact continued, “Yeah, the glider will offer less of an obstacle, although not cheap!”

After all of the reality is evolves, and the humanitarian organizations are supplied, what do the people of Epic Games have in mind?

“In typical Fortnite fashion, we will dance!”

Another mission accomplished!  https://youtu.be/p3Jlo7-13_Y

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2022 03 22

High as a kite, and dumb AF!

Glasgow, Scotland – Renowned hippie (a.k.a. space cadet), Ronald “Hey man” Ronaldson of El Segundo, California has made his way miraculously to Glasgow, Scotland, and he was asked why.

“Hey man, rumour has it that Glasgow has a high death rate due to drug overdoses, so if you’re looking for drugs, Glasgow is the place to be!” Ronaldson ranted meanderingly.

Hey, man!

Why drugs, Mr. Ronaldson?

“Hey man, I have experienced ATS, AZT, DXM, E, GBH, GBL, K2, LAAM, PCP,” he somehow managed alphabetically.

Then, as if a zoological park supervisor, he added, “Horse, Monkey, Ox, Kat, Skunk also!”

When it seemed time for another information-seeking question, Ronaldson colourfully concluded with, “And Purple Drank, China White, Black Tar, Blue, Black Beauties, Red Birds, Blue Meanies, Green Bud!”

Having established his credentials, he seemed ready for to explain his very apparent irritability.

Must be good for you; it’s in a sealed container!

”Hey man,” he said rather expectedly, “Don’t get me wrong; I have vaccinated myself for mumps, measles, rubella, polio, chicken pox, tetanus, diphtheria, shingles and I am triplely vaxxed for Covid-19 too. It is this latest vaccine that is annoying me!”

What could possibly bother this human pharmacy?

“Well man, “ he started uncharacteristically, “The Covid vaccines are supposed to have microchips imbedded in them, I haven’t noticed any improvement in my global awareness, nor my cell phone’s reception! What the hell? I got ripped off!”

Cheese it! The coppers!

Our streetwise chemist was last seen ingesting the essence of a freshly deposited dog turd from his “dealer”- a Border Collie, according to this uninitiated observer.

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 2022 03 15

Old Pope seeks forgiveness for no reason

Old Pope’s Home – From his retirement home in Munich Germany, Joseph (a.k.a. Pope Benedict XVI) Ratzinger issued what can be seen only as a holy oxymoron.

“I ask for forgiveness, but admit no wrongdoing,” inked “His Silliness”, the first Pope to retire in almost 600 years.

His Unguiltiness Benedict XVI

Religious scholars worldwide have been left to make sense of the adumbration from the then Archbishop who oversaw the handling of four cases of clerics accused and or convicted of sexual abuse.

“For Christ sake, why ask for forgiveness if he alleges to have not acted incorrectly?” one such scholar pontificated. “For what are we to forgive him?

The Bishop of Limburg, George Baetzing, had encouraged The Quitter Formerly Known as Pope to admit guilt, and apologize to those affected; however, after Ratzinger’s statement was released, he feebly uttered, “I am grateful to him for that and he deserves respect for it.”

Bishop of Limburg George “Stinky” Baetzing

Meanwhile at the Vatican, the home office of Buggerers “R” Us, an anonymous press release acknowledged ‘Benedict’s tenure as head of the Holy See’s doctrine office and his eight-year papacy’; a virtual Record of Employment which didn’t un-muddy the waters whatsoever.

One survivors-of-abuse group offered the following statement: Perhaps it is time to modify the phrase “In nomine patri spiritus sancti” to “In dominatrix patri…”!

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2022 03 07

Evidence suggests Deer know naught about social distancing!

(Editor: In a previous article on this site, we examined the response of deer who had tested positive for Covid: https://wordpress.com/post/dougzone22.ca/538)

Bornish, ON – Scientists stationed in the oddly named town have posted a paper at bioRxiv, an online archive and distribution service for unpublished preprints in life sciences, that suggests deer definitely have Covid-19, and may be giving it right back to humans.

“I have to say,” admitted field-researcher Finlay Maguire, “I never expected to find myself on Bornish, Ontario, nor did I know it existed.”

Scientists at work away from the rustic Bornish ambience

What about Maguire’s findings are news worthy?

Maguire, obviously unaware of layman’s terms, spewed, “We recently found highly divergent SARS-CoV-2 genomes from deer with potential deer-to-human transmission via wildlife surveillance.”

In regular speak, deer have a unique version of Covid, and some humans have been found to have it too. Deer caught Covid-19 from humans, and are giving it right back!

Tail-seeking Deer could give a rat’s ass for social distancing

When asked about social distancing, our renowned spokes-ungulate, Bambi, snickered.

“Wow, I almost scat myself there!” Bambi declared openly. “This is rutting season, and a Deer has to make a Buck, if you catch my drift!”

When told of social media ads about keeping one’s distance to prevent the spread of disease, Bambi raised a hoof, and ranted, “Does it look like I can navigate my way through a mobile device with these clodhoppers? Nor can I manage a mask, you idiot!”

Meanwhile, the citizenry of Bracebridge Ontario have petitioned the town council to ban Santa Claus, and his herd from his summer home (Santa’s Village) within their town’s limits.

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2022 02 28

Crazed local seeks to terminate time zones

Ballinafad, ON – In 1884, the Scottish-Canadian Sir Sanford Fleming proposed the Earth be subdivided into 24 sections of 15° each in order for the sun to be directly overhead at noon in every section. In doing so, he created time zones, and was knighted for his suggestion.

Fleming’s original slice & dice idea

One local man, Tempus “Fugit” Chronograph, is opposed to the well established practice.

“This time zone concept is bloody ridiculous,” Chronograph bellowed, “After 138 years, this theory has had its time.”

Chronograph claims to have a keen interest in time.

In a timely manner, he uttered, “For some unknown reason, I have always had a keen interest in time.”

He deems Fleming’s work is flawed.

“If the time zones were uniform, then I might be able to overlook them,” he added, “but they aren’t! India should have 2, but elected to go with one. My country has 5.5. Bloody inconsistent, I say!”

And don’t mention the International Date Line.

International Date Line needs to see an Osteopath”

Without missing a beat, Chronograph screamed, “The International Date Line should be straight as piss, but is as crooked as my dear granny’s spine.

Finished with his preamble, Tempus got right down to it without a second to spare.

“These Olympics have me eating breakfast while watching a hockey game. Am I to have steak, eggs and a beer at 8:00 am? No, the game should be on at night, which it would if we lost the time zones.”

Recent protests in Canada have encouraged Chronograph to act out against time zones.

“I am starting my own protest,” he announced. “I am going to take my wall clock and set up outside the town hall.”

As we parted company with Chronograph, he was seen storming off toward the town hall chanting, “It’s about time. It’s about time…!”

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2022 02 15