Pink diamond located in Angola

Lulo, Angola – The most recent loser of the International Diamond Hide and Seek Competition (IDHSC) has met its match. Named the Lulo Rose by the company that discovered it, the rock is 170 carats and pink!

What a loser!

According to the Lucapa Diamond Mine, which is an alluvial mine, this failure of a competitor was found lying in an old river bed!

When interviewed by our interpreter, Lulo Rose was alleged to have exclaimed, “Shǃt, p!ss, f#@k, mother#@ker, C#nt, c@cks#cker,” or 85.7142% of a full Carlin. (Ed. According to our interpreter, the seventh of the Carlinians, t!ts, is rarely used as an expletive.)

Back at IDHSC headquarters, the organizers are tight-lipped as to the number and type of its remaining competitors.

Heart of Eternity lost out in 2000

A member of the IDHSC did offer some background information.

“We obviously congratulate the remaining competitors,” said Lou “Not Diamond” Phillips, “However; we have had some very famous also-rans. Most recently Heart of Eternity allowed itself to be plucked from a mine in 2000, and before that we had Centenary, Star of Sierra Leone, a pair named Cullinan 1 and Cullinan were found ten years apart, and of course the Hope Diamond was uncovered in the 1600s.”

A remarkable history of losing!

“Ah, but one of the earliest know washouts was a stone believed to have been used as a door-stop by Fred Flintstone’s great-great-grandfather on his mother’s side. Org Flintstone, of course, is renowned for inventing the door!”

Flintstone pictured here using the family heirloom as a bowling ball

Meanwhile, having completed its rant, Lulo Rose was being bathed, and prepared for shipment to the nearest auction house where its reward as a down-and-outer is predicted to be significant. In the diamond world, you see, members are still judged by their colour.


2022 07 28

Premier decries spate of memes*

*not his words

Muskoka, ON – From an undisclosed location in Muskoka, Premier Doug Ford seems to have taken offence at a recent series of memes created on Twitter at his expense.

“Folks,” he started traditionally, “This collection of memes is really disturbing my vacation. Now, here’s one here where they started with a standard photo of me with Prime Minister Trudeau.”

Ed. Trudeau appears ready to bust a gut

“Now, whoever takes that, and because I use to hands to help me speak, this happens…”

Ed. Remember the Schmenge Brothers from SCTV?

“Now, anyone who knows me knows I can’t play the accordion, in fact it is a terrible musical instrument.”

“Or how about this one?”

Ed. The man loves his nephew

“In this one I am “telling” the PM I have solved youth unemployment by giving my nephew a job in government. In fact, my nephew is the new Minister of Citizenship & Immigration for Ontario! In my opinion people come to Ontario (immigrate), and stay (citizenate) in this fine province of Ontario. Mikey, I like to call him that, is a rookie MPP, but he is the finest Minister of Citizenship & Immigration we have!”

“Thankfully, these Twitterers moved onto another photo, but they just won’t leave me alone! I work my back (Ed. It is believed he means backside, or ass) off, and these next photos really get my goat.”

3 erroneous* uses of one photo           *again not his word

“#1, I am bragging about a fish I caught. I don’t fish; they are icky to touch. #Next, I am supposedly working out, but my hands are busy talking, so Mikey is helping me from behind. I can tell you, Mikey doesn’t have the reach! And #C, I was alleged to have planned weekend work, but played crokinole instead. Again, I am fortunate enough to have a cottage to relax; it is not for working at. Did you know some regular people actually live in a house, or an apartment in Muskoka? Unbelievable, eh!”

At the conclusion of his rant, Premier Ford was heard to ask if he had a Minister of Social Media who could investigate these untruths.

“No! Then make me one!” he bellowed, “And who wants a game of crokinole?”


2022 07 20

Federal government employs well known technique

Ottawa, ON – In the spring of 2020, the Canadian federal government introduce the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit (CERB). Recipients included any citizen of working age who was put out of work due to the impact of the pandemic caused by the Corona virus. Recipients were entitled to up to $2000/month until restrictions were lifted.

While the pandemic has not ended, restrictions on the citizenry have, for the most part, been lifted. The Canadian Revenue Agency (CRA) has been charged with a post-pandemic assessment of the eligibility of members of the workforce for CERB. The reclamation of some funds from numerous claimants has begun.

We’d like some back, please

“So, I gets this letter in the traditional brown envelope from the CRA,” says William “Bill me” Freeloader, “And here I was thinking it’s my CERB cheque, but it ain’t!”

Freeloader had, in fact, received one of 1.7 million such letters mailed across the country.

“I was like holy shit! Martha, the wells gone dry,” Freeloader whined.

Freeloader wasn’t alone. Many recipients of the claw-back letter began to question its validity.

The fun begins, or does it?

“The masthead (see above), resembles the artistry of the scammer,” proclaimed Richard “Don’t call me Dick” Richardson, “I figured I could have done better with MS Paint.”

Still others were concerned about the font, the colour of the ink, and the offer to click a hyperlink on a piece of paper.

“Yeah, this had scam written all over it”, added Richardson, but turns out, it wasn’t!”

Thousands of former CERB recipients were convinced it wasn’t legit.

When questioned, the fine people at CRA revealed the secret.

“At CRA we are proud of the work we do, but knew this reclamation was going to be a tough gig,” a spokesperson spoke under a cloud of anonymity. “However, we had heard of the overwhelming success of phishing schemes around the world, so thought we could catch quite a few Canadians with that style of appeal.”

When a follow-up query was presented, the spokesperson said, “”We continuously review client feedback about all of our communications, and this feedback informs the way we exchange information with clients. Thankfully many blindly forwarded their portions, so we were able to cover the cost of all the phone calls we had to receive. Here at CRA, we call that a win-win!”


2022 07 18

Protest over QR-coded stamps in UK

Slough, UK – In startling news from The United Kingdom, stamps issued by the Royal Mail featuring QR-codes are being protested by The Handwritten Letter Appreciation Society. What is truly startling about this protest is the revelation that The Handwritten Letter Appreciation Society exists!

Not like the barcode is on her arse!

Founder Dinah Johnson finds herself, “A bit affronted by the high-tech impinging on the pristine pastime of letter-writing.”

She has designed a cover-up for the offending item.

New tech masked by old teach

In related quirky-organization news, the following are yet to be located, but probably exist in a neighbourhood near you.

Righteous Individuals Upset By Nostril Hangers – This collective of mousey persons are reviled by morsels of dried mucous dangling from one or more nostrils. While disturbed by such incidents, these people are too shy to mention it to the oblivious offender.

“Ah, you got a little something!”

Late Night Headlamp Vigilantes (TNHV)– This intrepid gang of dusk-to-dawn drivers cruise the highways and byways in search of other drivers who fail to turn on their car’s headlights. The real fun begins as the TNHV membership gesture and flicker their own lights in order to entice compliance with the Highway/Motorway Traffic Acts of the world.

Bowel Howlers – These finger-pulling offerers prefer to evacuate the gaseous contents of their innards publicly.  The thankfully miniscule lot of anal blowhards can be found worldwide.

Oldest trick in the book

The Over The Top Shit-Ticket Brigade – This wily collective employ alleged ancient copyright drawing and modern-day memes to coerce the non-compliant into hanging toilet rolls in their preferred way. (Ed. Who gives a shit? Honestly!)

A preschooler could draw that shit!

The preceding in no way is a complete catalogue of odd individuals. This topic may have to be revisited in the future.


2022 07 08

When a dust jacket flaps its flaps

London, UK – Breaking news: A book was returned to the Tooting Library in London recently.

While this event is not unheard of in all libraries of the world, this particular book was 48 years, and 107 days late! Not surprizingly, the book was mailed to the library anonymously; however, rather surprizingly all the way from Port Moody, BC, in Canada!

Operations Manager of the Wandsworth Libraries, Christopher “Shhh” Arnsby was quietly shocked.

Arnsby proudly, yet quietly displays the tardy publication

At a barely audible level, Arnsby whispered, “Our records date back to the 1980s, so we weren’t aware this book was even missing. This has to be our longest-overdue ever!”

The associated fine could have been significant.

“The overdue charge could have been £6,000 (approx. $9,440), if we hadn’t capped our toll at £8.50 in recent years,” a hardly perceptible Arnsby exclaimed. “In this particular situation, we are waiving the fee.”

Clearly checked out on February 19, 1974; why so tardy?

Tracked down by the BBC, Tony Spence, a retired provincial court judge, denies any knowledge of taking the book from the London library, although admits to finding it in a crawlspace in his home.

 “Yeah, we were doing a deep cleanse up at the house, and there it was,” Spence admitted while reminding us no one had read him his rights.

“Furthermore, I intended to write a note of apology, but simply forgot,” he added guiltily.

“If you can’t pay the toll, don’t borrow the tome,” quips Law Society of Canada

It is believed The Law Society of Canada is to review all trials over which Spence officiated, “because if the man could not adhere to library rules, which other laws did he ignore?”


2022 06 12

Local man lists parade-route chair on Airbnb

Toronto, ON – An unidentified sports-zealot has listed a folding chair situated at a busy downtown intersection on the vacation-rental site Airbnb. Airbnb typically offers indoor accommodations, so this offering draws attention. We located, and spoke with the “host”, as they are known in the Airbnb community.

Typically offers properties with 4 walls, and a roof

Host: “Yeah, while sitting in this chair for the last two weeks in anticipation of a Stanley Cup parade. I had a lot of time to think.”

dougzone22: “But the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey Club of the National Hockey League was eliminated from the playoffs on Saturday.”

Host: “As the likelihood of a Stanley Cup parade diminished, and the viability of my prime spot on that route in its original purpose faded, that time of which I spoke spawned the Airbnb prospect.

dougzone22: How does a chair on a street corner offer any prospect of being a money-maker?

“Accommodation’s” ambience

Host: I got to be thinking Toronto has numerous sports teams with the potential to march past this spot of mine. The Toronto Blue Jays of the MLB, Toronto Argonauts of the CFL, Toronto FC of MLS, Toronto Arrows in the MLR, and Toronto Raptors of the NBA could have championship cavalcades at various times throughout the year!”

dougzone22: All Airbnb listings proclaim their amenities. What does your chair offer?

Host: Other than being a prime location for an assortment of processions, I can assure my clients this chair gets the morning’s sunlight, afternoon shade, is close to a multitude sporting venues, theatres, museums, restaurants, craft-beer emporiums, and a liquor store!

dougzone22: We noticed your “accommodation” isn’t affixed to the pavement. Should that be a concern for potential clients?”

Host: Oh, this isn’t even the original chair! I tried glue, ardox nails, an assortment of screws with a variety of heads, but City of Toronto workers would abscond with my property quite regularly; however, I found an ample supply of replacements at a local hardware store, so one quick call to me, and your reservation is renewed!”


2022 05 16

Local Man Set to Compose World’s Last Musical

The end of Musicals called for

Georgetown, ON

George Town, of no fixed address (although in Georgetown), has told anyone who will listen that he is composing the world’s last musical.

“That’s right, “ he muttered, “That format of entertainment has been around since 1898, and it has run its course! Name a real life situation where people break into song, except at concerts?”

Mr. Town proceeded to itemize that every possible topic has been represented already.

“There are musicals about people: Mame, Tommy, Annie, Porgy & Bess, and Evita,” Town listed.

“Then there’s Fiddler on The Roof that has to be about a rooftop pedophile, Pirates of Penzance is clearly the prequel to the film Captain Phillips, and Annie Get Your Gun that is obviously an NRA production promoting armed females!”

No, Town wasn’t quite finished with his press conference a.k.a. monologue.

“Do we really require travelogue plays too? I submit that New York, New York, Chicago, South Pacific, Brigadoon, and Meet Me in St. Louis are just that.”

Not disenchanted with the lack of enthusiasm from this reporter, Town ranted on.

“Why did the world need a musical about urology: The Wiz, cloning: Hello, Dolly, and even one about a lousy golfer: Bye Bye Birdie,” Town whined.

Finally, our wannabe composer got around to announcing his ultimate creation.

“Since this particularly medium has no place in today’s world and it stinks, I am calling the world’s last musical DUMP!”

Town was last seen gathering empty beer bottles with which to fund his shitty production.