Humour – Page 5 – Welcome to dougzone

Protest over QR-coded stamps in UK

Slough, UK – In startling news from The United Kingdom, stamps issued by the Royal Mail featuring QR-codes are being protested by The Handwritten Letter Appreciation Society. What is truly startling about this protest is the revelation that The Handwritten Letter Appreciation Society exists!

**Not like the barcode is on her arse!**

Founder Dinah Johnson finds herself, “A bit affronted by the high-tech impinging on the pristine pastime of letter-writing.”

She has designed a cover-up for the offending item.

In related quirky-organization news, the following are yet to be located, but probably exist in a neighbourhood near you.

Righteous Individuals Upset By Nostril Hangers – This collective of mousey persons are reviled by morsels of dried mucous dangling from one or more nostrils. While disturbed by such incidents, these people are too shy to mention it to the oblivious offender.

Late Night Headlamp Vigilantes (TNHV)– This intrepid gang of dusk-to-dawn drivers cruise the highways and byways in search of other drivers who fail to turn on their car’s headlights. The real fun begins as the TNHV membership gesture and flicker their own lights in order to entice compliance with the Highway/Motorway Traffic Acts of the world.

Bowel Howlers – These finger-pulling offerers prefer to evacuate the gaseous contents of their innards publicly. The thankfully miniscule lot of anal blowhards can be found worldwide.

The Over The Top Shit-Ticket Brigade – This wily collective employ alleged ancient copyright drawing and modern-day memes to coerce the non-compliant into hanging toilet rolls in their preferred way. (Ed. Who gives a shit? Honestly!)

***A preschooler could draw that shit!***

The preceding in no way is a complete catalogue of odd individuals. This topic may have to be revisited in the future.

2022 07 08

When a dust jacket flaps its flaps

London, UK – Breaking news: A book was returned to the Tooting Library in London recently.

While this event is not unheard of in all libraries of the world, this particular book was 48 years, and 107 days late! Not surprizingly, the book was mailed to the library anonymously; however, rather surprizingly all the way from Port Moody, BC, in Canada!

Operations Manager of the Wandsworth Libraries, Christopher “Shhh” Arnsby was quietly shocked.

***Arnsby proudly, yet quietly displays the tardy publication***

At a barely audible level, Arnsby whispered, “Our records date back to the 1980s, so we weren’t aware this book was even missing. This has to be our longest-overdue ever!”

The associated fine could have been significant.

“The overdue charge could have been £6,000 (approx. $9,440), if we hadn’t capped our toll at £8.50 in recent years,” a hardly perceptible Arnsby exclaimed. “In this particular situation, we are waiving the fee.”

***Clearly checked out on February 19, 1974; why so tardy?***

Tracked down by the BBC, Tony Spence, a retired provincial court judge, denies any knowledge of taking the book from the London library, although admits to finding it in a crawlspace in his home.

“Yeah, we were doing a deep cleanse up at the house, and there it was,” Spence admitted while reminding us no one had read him his rights.

“Furthermore, I intended to write a note of apology, but simply forgot,” he added guiltily.

***“If you can’t pay the toll, don’t borrow the tome,” quips Law Society of Canada***

It is believed The Law Society of Canada is to review all trials over which Spence officiated, “because if the man could not adhere to library rules, which other laws did he ignore?”

COPYRIGHT © WASTE OF INC. 2022

2022 06 12

Local man lists parade-route chair on Airbnb

Toronto, ON – An unidentified sports-zealot has listed a folding chair situated at a busy downtown intersection on the vacation-rental site Airbnb. Airbnb typically offers indoor accommodations, so this offering draws attention. We located, and spoke with the “host”, as they are known in the Airbnb community.

Typically offers properties with 4 walls, and a roof

Host: “Yeah, while sitting in this chair for the last two weeks in anticipation of a Stanley Cup parade. I had a lot of time to think.”

dougzone22: “But the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey Club of the National Hockey League was eliminated from the playoffs on Saturday.”

Host: “As the likelihood of a Stanley Cup parade diminished, and the viability of my prime spot on that route in its original purpose faded, that time of which I spoke spawned the Airbnb prospect.

dougzone22: How does a chair on a street corner offer any prospect of being a money-maker?

“Accommodation’s” ambience

Host: I got to be thinking Toronto has numerous sports teams with the potential to march past this spot of mine. The Toronto Blue Jays of the MLB, Toronto Argonauts of the CFL, Toronto FC of MLS, Toronto Arrows in the MLR, and Toronto Raptors of the NBA could have championship cavalcades at various times throughout the year!”

dougzone22: All Airbnb listings proclaim their amenities. What does your chair offer?

Host: Other than being a prime location for an assortment of processions, I can assure my clients this chair gets the morning’s sunlight, afternoon shade, is close to a multitude sporting venues, theatres, museums, restaurants, craft-beer emporiums, and a liquor store!

dougzone22: We noticed your “accommodation” isn’t affixed to the pavement. Should that be a concern for potential clients?”

Host: Oh, this isn’t even the original chair! I tried glue, ardox nails, an assortment of screws with a variety of heads, but City of Toronto workers would abscond with my property quite regularly; however, I found an ample supply of replacements at a local hardware store, so one quick call to me, and your reservation is renewed!”

2022 05 16

Local Man Set to Compose World’s Last Musical

The end of Musicals called for

Georgetown, ON

George Town, of no fixed address (although in Georgetown), has told anyone who will listen that he is composing the world’s last musical.

“That’s right, “ he muttered, “That format of entertainment has been around since 1898, and it has run its course! Name a real life situation where people break into song, except at concerts?”

Mr. Town proceeded to itemize that every possible topic has been represented already.

“There are musicals about people: Mame, Tommy, Annie, Porgy & Bess, and Evita,” Town listed.

“Then there’s Fiddler on The Roof that has to be about a rooftop pedophile, Pirates of Penzance is clearly the prequel to the film Captain Phillips, and Annie Get Your Gun that is obviously an NRA production promoting armed females!”

No, Town wasn’t quite finished with his press conference a.k.a. monologue.

“Do we really require travelogue plays too? I submit that New York, New York, Chicago, South Pacific, Brigadoon, and Meet Me in St. Louis are just that.”

Not disenchanted with the lack of enthusiasm from this reporter, Town ranted on.

“Why did the world need a musical about urology: The Wiz, cloning: Hello, Dolly, and even one about a lousy golfer: Bye Bye Birdie,” Town whined.

Finally, our wannabe composer got around to announcing his ultimate creation.

“Since this particularly medium has no place in today’s world and it stinks, I am calling the world’s last musical DUMP!”

Town was last seen gathering empty beer bottles with which to fund his shitty production.