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Hamilton Ontario gives a shit and how!

Hamilton, ON – Officials of the City of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada have advised the public of the discovery of a 26-year-old sewage leak in Hamilton Harbour! It is believed a contractor mistakenly made a hole that resulted in excrement from a small neighbourhood to be mixed with the water from storm sewers.

The culvert to the harbour is said to be 2.5 metres square and there are only 50 homes on that line, “So the anticipated amount released should be far less that the 24 billion litres we leaked in to Chedoke Creek over the course of four years,” one Hamilton employee commented in an attempt to minimize the severity of the current discovery.

Holy shithole, Batman!

The site of the latest shitstorm is the Hamilton Oshawa Port Authority Pier on Hamilton Harbour which feeds into Lake Ontario.

Ahoy, Dookie!

While cruising Hamilton Harbour for evidence, our intrepid reporter encountered Whoopsy LaMerde bobbling out to Lake Ontario. It had a different take on treatment plants.

“Those “treatment plants” are rumoured to be cleansing camps in my world!” LaMerde grunted, “Isn’t that kind of place pooh-poohed in your world too?”

Asked to corroborate his story, Whoopsy contributed, “I have heard of fellow turds entering, and nothing but the paperwork ever leaves.”

Madame Mayor holding her breath there’s a solution

Meanwhile, the Mayor of Hamilton has formed a committee to spin this latest dump of news into something positive.

Early findings include:

1. Contracting The Police to re-release De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da as a campaign song to lighten the mood. (Link to YouTube)

2. If The Police don’t come through, then perhaps Tim & Eric can be coerced to allow their Doo Dah Doo Doo! to be used. (Another YouTube link)

3. If all else fails, City council is recommending to re-activate the old line: “We drove to Hamilton, so I could kiss her where it smells!” as a tourism tagline.

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2022 11 28

Things are about to get nipplely

Florence, Italy – The year was 1616, in what is probably the earliest known act of Her Body; Her Choice, Artemisia Gentileschi painted The Allegory of Inclination which is believed to be a self-portrait. Gentileschi, commissioned by none other than Michelangelo, chose to present a bare-breasted woman holding a compass while gazing skyward at the North Star.

An inheritor of the painting had the breasts veiled for the “decorum of his wife, and family”, it is alleged.

About to undergo breast reconstruction

342 years later Artemisia’s breasts are to be revealed once again in what amounts to a literal artistic striptease.

“Using Ultra-violet lighta, diagnostic imaging, and X-rays, we-ah hope-ah to bring-ah back-ah Gentileschi’s, how you say, gazongas.” explained Elizabeth Falcone, co-ordinator of the Artemisia Up Close project. “Dare I say-ah, it eez quite titillating-ah!”

Leonardo “The Prude” Buonarroti had the painting modified

Even though Michelangelo hung the piece in the ceiling of his residence, his nephew Buonarroti had the cover-up commissioned.

Michelangelo apparently had a thing for ceilings

Rumours that Hooters™ is looking to sponsor this endeavour are false.

Keeping you abreast of the news, that’s dougzone22.ca for today.

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2022 11 23

Numismatists puzzled in Newfoundland

St. John’s, NL – The recent revelation of a less than recent discovery of gold coins in an undisclosed location in Newfoundland has archeologists and numismatists in a collective quandary!

The quandary involves how these coins, which were minted in England until 1427, got to a beach on Canada’s east coast about fifty years before the first known visit by Giovanni Caboto in 1497.

A little rough for wear after spending 595 years on a Newfoundland beach

The quarter noble was worth a shilling and 8 pence, or $81.00 nowadays. The location of the find is being kept secret to prevent treasure seekers from ruining the site before it can be properly torn asunder by professionals.

dougzone22 was quick to hand this over to its Quandary Solving Dept. (QSD), and we present the solution now.

The QSD located a descendant of Ragnar Lodbrok in Kirkwall Orkney. Angus “Ragnar” McLodbrok lived 1400-1440, and fashioned himself quite the adventurer.

Ragnar, as depicted on Vikings TV series, managed to have children

“Oh, aye!” McLodbrok said when questioned, “I always had the idea to re-enact my great-great-great-grandfather’s exploits. My Gran frequently related how her great-great- gran had been pillaged, and sort of raped by Ragnar!”

Apparently there’s no doubt to the lineage.

“Aye, no!” bellowed McLodbrok.

McLodbrok (left) pictured in his local Viking re-enactment troupe

McLodbrok thankfully was quick to move the story along.

“Aye, I decided to sail back to Vinland where my ancestors had gone.”

Asked about his wife, Angus offered, “Aye, Brunhilda was not pleased; told me to go straight to Valhalla, and don’t pass GO! I thought that was rather rude if not anachronistic.”

Brunhilda pictured in a pensive state, considers her daily chores

Undaunted, McLodbrok set sail.

“Aye, I sailed south pillaging, and lightly raping the English coast. The quarter nobles had just been released, so it was a treasure unto itself. I swear I had a sporran full by the time I reach what you call Newfoundland.”

So, it seems dear Angus dropped the coins in question.

McLodbrok lamented, “Aye! I had mentioned a wee tear in the bottom of my sporran to Brunhilda, but I suppose she “forgot” to mend it after I declared my adventurous intentions.”

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2022 11 15

Bug out!

Montreal, QC – Last week, at this fair city’s Insectarium, North America’s largest natural history museum dedicated to insects, an entomophagical pop-up occurred. The curator of the museum commissioned Chef Daniel Vézina to prepare a gourmet sampling of food items that each contained insects.

Chef Daniel Vézina smiles while background distracts clientele from food

While one might think this was a pop-it-in-your-mouth-and-let-it-crawl-down-your-throat event, the insects were actually cooked, so swallowing was involved.

The offering included such delicacies as roasted almonds with grasshopper-lime salt and a tapenade made with mealworms and sun-dried tomatoes.

Mealworm balls contain entire mealworms contrary to the name

At first glance, it seems Chef found some food normally considered bad, and served it anyway.

Over here in the dougzone22.ca kitchen, a few other alleged delicacies have been envisioned:

1. Horse-fly puree – A nice little paste consisting of actual horse, and its accompanying symbiotic partner, the fly.

2. Musca domestica à l’excretia – You’ve heard of the expression “like flies to shit”, right? Only the finest manure is dried, and sterile, and mashed in with the common housefly.

3. Oatmeal mealworm cookies – For those who like oatmeal cookies, but not raisins.

Michelle Furtado, self-professed insect hater, prepares to teach crickets a lesson

4. Porc à la trough mealy bug – You guessed it! Trough bug encrusted with bacon bits.

5. Haggis avec Midge – A truly Scottish inspired concoction with haggis and a soupçon of midges.

6. Tofu con Formicidae – Hell, even vegans hate when ants invade a picnic! Are we right?

2022 11 08

Emperor penguins choose to be endangered

Antarctica (a.k.a. the arse end of the world) – After reading dougzone22.ca’s article Extinction not that bad!, enduring the March of the Penguins documentary, and a failed attempt to launch a live-action, all-penguin version of The Emperor’s New Clothes, Emperor “Tajan” Penguin has announced his breed have agreed to be placed on the world’s endangered list.

“That piece online really opened my eyes about the positives of extinction,” Tajan honked. “That extinction resort sound really nice!

“It is our considered opinion that being on the endangered list is equivalent to a pre-boarding area for a trip to extinction,” Tajan added mistakenly.

Porno for penguins

Visibly annoyed at the mention of March of the Penguins in the opening paragraph, an enquiry about it was proffered.

“Oh, that movie was downright embarrassing!” Tajan tootled. “We make that trek as a mating ritual, not for human, pornographic titillation! That filmmaker really put a wet blanket on the herd, if you catch my drift.”

Mumble: hell of a dancer, but a lousy pitcher of ideas

“And don’t even ask about The Emperor’s New Clothes, that was brought to me by that dim wit Mumble, I couldn’t fully understand him, but gave the go-ahead,” Tajan blared. “It wasn’t until a member of my council brought me the DVD that I realized the mistake.”

Apparently, Mumble is tap dancing his ass off in an undisclosed crevasse.

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2022 10 26

Mass emigration from Canada uncovered

An undisclosed location along 49^th parallel of latitude – There is news today of a mass emigration of Canadians to the United States. Literal flocks of Canadians are filling Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) kiosks to the rafters (Ed. Note alternate definition of rafter)! Just days after Canada’s Thanksgiving, turkeys are seeking refuge south of the border.

Speaking to us through a Turkish interpreter (Ed. Who knew?), Turk “Don’t call me Knobby” Gobbler opened with some statistics.

“This past weekend, it is believed 2.7 million of my fellow fowl were served to our fellow Canadian humans!” Gobbler chirped. “And that’s a fact!” he added redundantly.

Let it be noted Gobbler’s “fact” is more likely an estimate he found while pecking on the Internet.

Speaking of fowl, the air in the CBSA hut was getting quite aromatic as the actual guano deepened.

While avoiding the question about turkeys being incredibly tasty, Knobby offered another fact to the nose-holding press.

“In Canada there is a lottery called Lotto Max. In Ontario, the Ontario Lottery & Gaming Commission suggests the odds in favour of winning the jackpot are 1 in 33 294 800.

**“Knobby” pictured third from left in middle row**

Plied for a link between his two statements of fact, Gobbler added, “Our intended destination has an annual tradition of pardoning a turkey each year! We prefer our odds in the pardon lottery in a couple of weeks.”

Just before Turk had his ticket punched for the US, he was seen grabbing one last ducat for this Friday’s Lotto Max*.

*In mentioning Lotto Max*, dougzone22.ca is not endorsing gambling, nor seeking a discount for the bi-weekly office pool.

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2022 10 13

Getting in tune

YYZ – Woke up this morning, and I thought to myself, “It is 4:00 am. Do you surrender, or get back where you belong: asleep!”

At that point, it seemed pointless to stay, so I arose.

I immediately exclaimed, “Are you ready?”

Answering myself in the affirmative, I was thankful for the computer age. I was hoping to find something to lull me to sleep. It wasn’t long before I found what I was looking for!

There, infront of me, was the story of an American woman who professed to know what love is.

Intrigued as I was that early in the morning, my interest waned rapidly.

“I should probably do the work I didn’t finish yesterday,” I said, “After all, you did sleep sitting up in the office!”

Yes, it had been just another evening allegedly working, but eventually off to the land of nod, I had already gone.

As the fellow employees reappeared, I thought, “Should I stay, or should I go?”

“Oh, here comes the boss; I’m going mobile!”

My sincere gratitude, and apologies to The Who, Rush, Alabama 3, Our Lady Peace, Cheap Trick, 38 Special, The Smiths, Liam Wilson, U2, Eminem, The Balance, Neil Young, The Beatles, Broken Fingers, Rune Edvardsen, Tor.Ma, The Guess Who, Alannah Myles, Vanity Fare, The Beatles, Coldplay, The Blondies, Phish, Eagles, The Clash, Arkells, The Who.

2022 10 05

Jupiter to have been its brightest

Peterborough, ON – Jupiter was to have been its brightest in 59 years yesterday which raised many questions, and some answers.

Astronomically speaking, (Ed. because speaking astrologically is utter bullshit) Marley Leacock, an astronomer and science educator with Vancouver’s H.R. MacMillan Space Centre explained Jupiter was at its closest point to Earth, and was reaching “opposition” meaning it was directly across from the sun, and Earth’s position simultaneously.

***Looking out-of-this-worldly bright, but what of its inhabitants?***

Now “brightness” has an alternate meaning, and that deals with intelligence. The question of Jupiterian intelligence remains unknown as of this morning, but not difficult to determine its apparent improvement in recent time, because we seem to have uncovered a scandal of astronomical significance!

Last month, the government of Ontario offered to pay parents of school-age children as much as $100.00 to help the wee ones “catch up” on lost learning due to the pandemic. Could those funds have been misdirected to our distant extraterrestrial neighbour?

A quick check of a map of Ontario revealed no less than three roads with the designation of Jupiter. There is a Jupiter Avenue in Peterborough, and Chatham, while Niagara Falls offers us Jupiter Boulevard.

Pictured crouching is ***Ontario’s finest Min of Ed/photo-bomber ever according to his boss who recently swallowed a mongoose to eat the snake, that ate the frog, that ate the bee he had swallowed while live on TV.***

As this conspiracy unfolds, it seems the Ministry of Education may have mailed cheques to previously unknown Jupiterians! What must the postage have been, and who delivered them?

In an effort to get to the bottom of this incredible fiasco, our finest/sole interpreter has left on a 2000 day, 591.5 million km trip to locate, and seek confirmation that the Ontario government assisted the citizens of Jupiter in its endeavour to be “brighter”.

At time of printing, our intrepid employee will arrive at Jupiter on Sunday, March 19, 2028, so stay tuned to this space.

2022 09 27

Wordlers rejoice! This one’s for you!

ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, ON – For as long as what ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦto be forever, players of Wordle (the 5-letter guessing game) have been joyously posting results all over ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ form of social ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ known to humans. They are thrilled beyond belief when they ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ a ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦdays offering, and ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ suicidal thoughts when not nearly successful, or unsuccessful at all.

ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ the activity requires only a working knowledge of the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ alphabet, and how to assemble ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ with them, it ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ to escape common ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ as to the willingness of any ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ to publicly chastise one’s self in such a manner.

ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ who find themselves entangled in the mess, tend to deny this assessment.

“I ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ the humiliation, because I know I can always ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ mysocial ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ and find a fellow Wordler who has performed equally ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, or ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ!” admits ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ “Wordle me this” Muskoka.

And yet, ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦwho play ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦone another support, which ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦup even more ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦon the Interweb. ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, although his real name is ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ highly of the interactions with others in the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ.

**Not hard to see ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ this one is headed!**

“Oh, it is smashing!” ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ wanted to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ. “If you ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ up a day’s ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, you can always go online to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ encouragement to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ down the lane, or on the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ side of the ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ.

At the time this ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ was ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ, ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ hundred thousand ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ s ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ to ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ ing ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ self– ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ. Un- ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ – ﬦﬦﬦﬦﬦ!

2022 09 22

Mound of earth deemed “really ugly” by neighbours

Scarborough, ON – “This pile of dirt is really ugly, and an eyesore to the nearby neighbours,” whined one resident of this borough in eastern Toronto. “Something should be done about!”

The two hectare parcel of land was originally proposed as a site for a sports field, but when that plan was cancelled, the owner began storing soil from nearby construction projects. That collection of earth has grown to a height of 15 metres, so is visible to residents who live to its south side.

Residents have noted detectable runoff when it rains, and blowing dust when the material is dry.

When approached for comment, the hill was quite upset.

***Human made “eyesore” has feelings too***

“They treat me like dirt!” Mounty McMountain bellowed. “I would prefer terms like loam, topsoil, or earth actually.”

Our interpreter continued to seek input about McMountain’s feelings.

“It’s not like I chose to be here,” it added. “Parts of me were brought here one at a time by other humans, right!”

**McMountain provides great view of downtown Toronto**

Get up on top of me, and enjoy a free view of downtown Toronto,” Mounty added without prompting.

**Mrs. & Mr. Grumpy Neighbour scowl for the camera**

When asked to comment on the neighbours’ complaints, McMountain offered, “I don’t control the wind, and rain. I can hardly be held responsible for the runoff, nor the dust.”

In an attempt to clear the air, McMountain howled, “I think Scarborough is a great place! It gets a pretty bad ride in the press, but has produced some great people in its history. I want to thank your interpreter for hearing me out; he is really down to Earth!”

2022 09 19