Art “critics” abound in Vancouver

Vancouver, BC – When it comes to art critics, the Amateur Art Critic ASSociation of Vancouver’s membership must be busting at the seams. A recent installation of Boy Holding A Shark by the Vancouver Biennale, a once-every-2-year display in operation since 1998, has the citizenry of the posh False Creek neighbourhood all a flutter.

A boy and his fish

The following quotes are a random selection of critiques that have surfaced.

MC M (resident of Tower 16, Unit 435) “This 7.8-metre-tall eyesore blocks my view of the world-renowned False Creek.”

Dolly Ginsipper (resident of Tower 1, unit 1045) “I bought this unit because it once housed a famous Lithuanian ski-jumper, and there was no mention of Boy Holding A Shark moving in.”

Maurice “Pedalpusher” Derailleur (White Rock resident) “The monstrosity will draw a crowd, and clog the bike path I frequent daily!”

Waldo Penny-Pincher (refused to identify his residence’s location) “Oh, the resale value of my space is sure to drop, although I never plan to sell.”

Anonymous “I am not a racist, but I read the artist is Chinese.”

To date, almost 1400 denigrators have signed an online petition.

The artist, Chen Wenling, indicates the piece is a “reflection on the growing tension between humans and the ocean.”

As for the Boy Holding A Shark himself, we reached out.

Eww, it’s melting!

Through a statue-to-human translator*, he moaned, “Have you ever held a fish? Now, take that feeling, and compound it with the fact this shark is melting! I will be seeking restitution for my dry cleaning once this gig ends!”

*Like everything else in Vancouver, an expensive acquisition.

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2021 06 16

Photographer catches crows acting peculiarly

Metchosin, BC – Photographer Tony Austin snapped a photo recently of crows behaving in what he thought was a peculiar manner. The crow was lying on the ground with its wings splayed out, and appeared to be allowing ants to climb all over itself.

Austin admitted, “I had never seen anything like this. It was rather weird!”

Fellow birdwatchers were equally concerned about the crow’s well-being.

“It wasn’t until some informed birders told us it was “anting” that we lowered our alert level,” Austin added.

First observed in 1830 by James Audobon, anting has been observed in 200 species of bird since.

“Multiple theories exist,” one renowned birder interjected. “One suggests the birds allow the insects to clean them of parasites, while another postulation advocates the vermin secret a formic acid that acts as an insecticide.”

Another bird-watcher piped in, “I think the crows are luring the ants to eventually have them as a meal. It really is anybody’s guess.”

Meanwhile, it is known that crows are extremely intelligent.

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2021 06 08

The AYFKM* File: Premier suggests graduations

Toronto, ON – A week ago, after announcing Ontario’s schools would remain closed until September, Ontario Premier Ford suggested he would like to see every student attend a graduation ceremony outside before the end of June.

Trinity Bellwoods Park, May 24, 2020

A year ago, 10 000 people gathered in a park in Toronto, and received a scathing reprimand from this same person.

“First of all, I’m disappointed to say the least with everyone who showed up at Trinity Bellwoods on Saturday. Why don’t you do us all a favour and go get tested now, go to a local hospital or assessment centre and get tested,” Ford said redundantly at the time.”

Superspreader suggester on left

Currently, Ontario has 2,056,058 students attending at 4 820 schools with 126 466 teachers. That would amount to 4 820 gatherings with an average attendance of 1 311 people when you include two guests for each student.

As it was the schools were kept closed based on data suggesting the potential of an 11% spike in cases of Covid-19.

Fortunately, as the local school boards assess the likelihood of organizing such events by the end of June, many are refusing to meet Ford’s request based on “logistics”.

To be honest, they have to be muttering to themselves, “ * Are you fucking kidding me?”

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2021 06 06

Liberal Party of Canada seeks new slogan

(Ed: Liberal MP Will Amos (Pontiac, QC) has been caught exposing himself twice recently while appearing on official government sessions. The initial incident involved Amos disrobing, while the latest event captured him urinating.)

Ottawa, ON – The Liberal Party of Canada (LPC), in light of recent embarrassing exposures by an elected official, are seeking to select a new party slogan in order to smooth over the unwelcome publicity.

Amos demonstrates he is a multitasker

dougzone has received a copy of ten proposals.

1. The buck naked stops here

2. It is go time

3. LPC: Where the P stands for urine

4. Our leaks aren’t just to the press

5. Our trickle down isn’t about economics

6. “Urine” Canada now

7. You can clearly see our members work

8. You may not think we give a shit, but you can’t deny we give a piss

9. Our micturition is second to none

10. We’re #1

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20212021 05 29

Some parents request students have a do-over at school

Collingwood, ON – A local mother and father have requested their son be allowed to repeat his Kindergarten year due to several interruptions in his education imposed by measures taken during the pandemic. This year has been “sub-optimal in terms of his ability to read, and recognize site words,” the child’s mother said quite intelligently.

Another intrepid group of guardians couldn’t be more relieved by the educational disruptions that have occurred this past year nationwide. Known to local educators as “helicopter parents”, these overly supportive progenitors have had quite a year.

Though shalt not educate otherwise

Shirley A. Picklebottom is one such person. “I hated school, but know what is best for my Jacqueline-Anne (don’t call her Jackie).  Having her here, and to be able to instantly correct the misinformation those so-called professional teachers spew has been a joy!”

“I am completely unaware of any gaps I have provided for my son, J-Kub,” Mustafa  Bâtonenfesses added, “I know the curriculum, although a little hard to read, like the back of my own eyelids.”

Both whirly-bird spokespeople agree, if it turns out there are gaps in their children’s knowledge, they will compensate for it when they attend their offspring’s job interviews in the future.

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2021 05 27

Darwin’s Arch has fallen!

Galapagos Islands, Ecuador – Ecuador’s Environment Ministry announced the collapse of Darwin’s Arch located near the islands made famous by Charles Darwin due to his authoring of On the Origin of the Species by Means of Natural Selection in 1859.

Podiatrists worldwide, starved for attention due to the pandemic, have offered their services. One such Doctor of Podiatric Medicine is Tej Metatarsal DPM, AACFAS.

Before
After

“Fallen arches, or pes planus in doctor talk, can affect 30% of the human population, 10% of those will exhibit symptoms, but I don’t know about rock formations!” Metatarsal admitted.


Darwin grumpypantus

As for Charles Darwin, who sailed halfway around the world on HMS Beagle, and later died April 19, 1882, his take was much more personal.

Speaking from beyond the grave via a landline from Westminster Abbey, Darwin said, “You write what is probably the most significant document in the field of biology, and all I ever heard was the fact I sailed in a ship named after a dog!”


Percé Rock used to have 4 arches

Calls to Percé Rock in Quebec went unanswered. The famous Canadian rock formation, similar in make-up to that of Darwin’s Arch, has only one arch left, and is likely making final arrangements.

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2021 05 20

Quebec Premier Legault offers distraction

Quebec City, QC – Quebec’s Premier, Francois Legault has offered up a distraction recently by suggesting Quebec will unilaterally reform Canada’s constitution. Initial reports suggested a further protection of French language rights was needed.

“While the use of French in Quebec has seen a decline in recent years, and it is of significance to Quebecers,” Legault hinted. “It isn’t the primary reason for this announcement.”

Premier Legault: What is on his mind?

Perhaps Quebecers require a rejuvenation of the constitution to ease the anxiety surrounding the province’s devastating experience with the pandemic?

Covid-19: Pest of the millennium!

“Non,” the Premier responded curtly, “Quebec is resolved to defeat the Covid-19. We don’t need to take our attention from that.”

Well, what could possibly be the issue that brought this startling suggestion for constitutional reform?

“Les Feuilles d’Erable viennent!” Legault yelled, using some of the diminished French-usage cited earlier, “The Toronto Maple Leafs are coming! Not even the return of Carey “Jesus” Price can save Les Canadiens.

MERDE!

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2021 05 17

Forensic artist denies obsession with Canadian actor

Toronto, ON – A certified member of the International Association for Identification who works as a forensic artist denies having a significant fondness for Canadian actor, Victor Garber.

“I have trained extensively for this type of work, and deny that my reconstructions resemble him,” said Valerie Visage.

Gregory before encounter with Visage

Numerous viewers of her most recent piece, Engineer John Gregory of the ill-fated Franklin Expedition of 1845, have commented to the contrary.

 “I mean, I can’t help how they used to look. We train very hard for this work!” exclaimed Ms. Visage.

Gregory lost Bury Me Up To My Chin game?

Visage’s supervisor supports her underling’s efforts.

“Valerie’s early work tended to look exactly like Mr. Garber, but I don’t see that trait in her work anymore,” Francine Façade advised.

Visage defended herself again saying, “Keep in mind, they give us a skull, and say, ‘What did this one look like?’ that’s all we have to work on!”

The Garber twins

As for Mr. Garber, his agent said, “Mr. Garber has commissioned a script about the Franklin expeditionary engineer.  As a Canadian actor, he welcomes the opportunity to work, especially in a lookalike role.”

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2021 05 10

Cleanliness next to ridiculousness

Abbotsford, BC – A property manager who also dabbles in mysophobia has caused quite the environmental event in this small city in British Columbia.

“One day, it dawned on me the roofs of the complex had never been washed!” said Mr. Clem Surfactant of the local strata management company. “I happened to have Tide In ample supply, so sprinkled it generously on the top of this complex.”

Tide’s in!

As for its product catching some additionally unwanted attention, a spokesperson for Proctor & Gamble exclaimed, “Oh, for fuck sake! We were just recovering from the Tide-Pod-eating fiasco, and now this! Who sold that much laundry powder to one guy?”

“I got the idea off the interweb.  Says there Tide is great for deterring the growth of moss on rooftops. ‘Let’s get that taken care of,’ I said.’”

Having soaped the roofline of the housing complex before checking the weather report, Surfactant was more than a little stunned at the outcome.

“Well shit!  It rained, and my cleaning project evolved into what Environment Canada considered an ecological catastrophe. I prefer to see it as a cleansing of the Clayburn Creek.”

Lost’s Smoke Monster vacations in BC

A foamy cloud measuring almost 3 metres tall soon occupied the city’s creek.

“The creek needed a good washing!  Have you seen what the frogs, and fish do it there? “Surfactant shuddered.

It seems Surfactant is not convinced of his overzealousness with respect to cleaning.

“Overheard some residents discussing anal bleaching; I think I am going to Lysol the driveway this afternoon!”

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2021 05 05

Holy fan belt!

Edmonton, AB – It has come to light through the thesis of a PhD student at the University of Alberta, that there was a devotion to the Foreskin of Jesus Christ for nearly 1000 years within Christianity, and it wasn’t considered a strange devotion either. 

“Knife big enough, Rabbi?,” wonders Baby.

“The circumcision is first mentioned in Luke 2:21, nicknamed the icky verse, and the concept of the Foreskin still existing gained popularity in the Middle Ages,” claims Headley Turtleneck a renowned foreskinologist.

An alleged Foreskin was gifted by one historical figure to a lesser known Pope back in the day.

“In 799 AD, King Charlemagne gifted the Foreskin to Pope Leo III and resided in the papal Sancta Sanctorum reliquary until Rome was sacked in 1527,” Turtleneck injected enthusiastically, “and at that time it was stolen!”

One young woman is alleged to have had a dream involving Jesus’ Penis Beanie.

“You call this a ring?”

A totally engrossed Turtleneck added, “Saint Catherine of Siena envisioned she married Christ, and the Foreskin acted as her wedding ring! If she hadn’t shared that wicked dream, Catholicism would be one saint short of a load!”

Eventually a Pope put an end to the silliness about the Devil’s Umbrella with a fairly substantial decree.

“Yes, it was 10 Leos later, Pope Leo XIII, who ultimately threatened excommunication to anyone who even mentioned the Foreskin,” our dejected foreskinologist added.

“Thou shalt be excommunicated if thou mentions the Foreskin!
Oops, shit!

A disheartened Turtleneck plied us with one more fact.

“At one time, there were almost two dozen churches claiming to have had the Foreskin, if even a quarter of those were legitimate, Jesus’ pants would have fit like a glove!”

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2021 05 01