dougzone22

Cartoon bird-like dinosaurs laid eggs (#109)

Undisclosed location, southern Alberta – In this past week’s Proceedings of the National Academy of Science (PNAS), a report on Troodons that were bird-like reptilian, emu-sized, meat-eating dinosaurs revealed they probably laid eggs in communal nests over 75 million years ago. Studies of the anatomy of Troodons combined with evidence of petrified nests, indicates the flightless creatures must have shared their nests with others.

Troodon nest with multiple eggs (No idea where they got the ruler)

Oddly enough, this discovery has been accompanied by a series of still shots of Troodon-cartoon characterizations. The creation of these cartoons must have been due to a lack of live-action photography, dougzone concludes. In an attempt to gain further input about Troodons, we consulted with a spokes-dinosaur, not surprizingly called Dino.

Dino standing near a nest resembling a Yogo game

dougzone: Humans currently believe your species had communal nests.

Dino: Yes, we definitely yabba-dabba do!

dougzone: It must have been difficult to brood that many eggs!

Dino: Yeah, they got rather slippery because of the yabba-dabba-dew!

Dino strikes a brooding pose

dougzone: With so many of you minding the nest, did it get messy?

Dino: Oh, after the gestation period, there was plenty of yabb-dabba doo-doo!

dougzone: Who would take the night shift during the brooding period?

Dino: One of us was always willing to spend the night yabba-dabba do-dooing on the nest.

Dino and Sassie admire the setting of their nest

dougzone: Tell us about the excitement at hatching time.

Dino: We’d all come running when whoever was minding the nest at the end of the incubation called out, ”They are yabba-dabba due!”

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2023 04 08

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“Abuse” of Utah’s book-banning law saddens lawmaker (#108)

Salt Lake City, UT – One year into Utah’s Sensitive Materials in Schools Law’s existence, and some scoundrel, according to state representatives, has requested The Bible be banned from schools.

Rep. Ken Ivory (R), the law’s sponsor, is saddened that his work has resulted in a request for a ban of The Bible.

Utah Rep. Ken Ivory (R) (The R is considered redundant)

In an effort to access the innermost thoughts of this state Rep, dougzone22 contacted a mind-meld expert. In preparation for the meeting of the minds, and in fear of a brain-drain, the brain at this end of the Internet was numbed right the fuck up!

The following is a transcript of the dougzone-Ivory mind meld:

“Hello dougzone! I am the mind of Ken Ivory. Welcome to Utah. We like to say Utah is found between Ttah, and Vtah in the state approved dictionary.

I sense you want to know about H.B 374. I sponsored this bill because I had a feeling there was a way to clear some shelf space in our already overly stocked school liberries.

Now, let me assure you, we are not into burning books here, simply getting them out of our schools. After all, a young mind is a terrible thing to fill with sexualization, and hyper-sexualization. There are studies, I’m told, that say that is bad!

Purely coincidentally, as we are open to take requests, a number of shelves have been cleared already, so the legislation has proven to be effective.

Add “Me” to the title: BANNED!

Books like My Two Dads and Me (remember the TV show? This isn’t that!), and other LBGTQ2+EIEIO type books have been delisted. I understand a book about Harriet Tubman was rewritten so the colour of her skin was edited out. We certainly can’t have anything racist distorting our youngins minds! I mean we all know black lives matter, so there’s no need to ram into our children’s heads.

Harriet Tubman: Just a woman who refused to surrender her seat on a bus?

Finally, this The Bible ban request. Sure it is full of incest, onanism, bestiality, prostitution, genital mutilation, fellatio, dildos, rape and even infanticide, but god damn it, we need at least one book that outlines all the shit we shouldn’t do!”

The mind meld app melted, and this mind will not be visiting Ttah, Utah, nor Vtah anytime soon.

2023 04 03

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Beetles are rectum-drinkers (#107)

Copenhagen, Denmark – A team of biologists in Copenhagen and Edinburgh have ass-certained beetles not only reclaim moisture from their excrement before its elimination like all animals, but can extract water from the air when necessary.

Hey, I’m drinking over here, so get your face out of my arse!

Putting it simply in their publication for the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences Journal, “ Using genetics and electrophysiological studies, we show that a cation/H⁺ (NHA1) transporter is exclusively localized to specialized leptophragmata cells in the Malpighian tubules associated with the rectal complex. Ion transport by NHA1 in leptophragmata underpins the movement of water from the rectum to recycle it back to the body, and is essential for maintaining systemic water balance in beetles.”

Peeping scientist ogles anal drinkers strictly for science

With findings such as this, the murderous scientists have plans to find a protein that would interfere with this process, and plan to use it to kill the most numerous beings on Earth.

Rectal hydration, anal drinking, or sphincteral affusion would be quite handy in humans; no ifs, ands, or butts!

Imagine all, or any one of the following:

1. While dining, humans would no longer choke unexpectedly while imbibing.

2. The ever popular, although messy, spit take would become a thing of the past.

3. While in a swimming pool, bathers could enjoy an ice cold beer while simultaneously rehydrating; therefore, no hangover!

Sir Richard of Starkey

Despite these stunning applications of the genetics and electrophysiological studies mentioned above, it seems inevitable jewelers and music historians alike will reached a definitive reason for Richard Starkey, of The Beatles, to have called himself Ringo!

2023 03 29

Your address will only be used for good, not evil!

Redneck offended by physiotherapist (#106)

Merritt, BC – A local area man, nicknamed Buddy, has lodged a complaint with British Columbia Interior Health after he discovered his physiotherapist’s notes identified him as a redneck.

“Yee haw! I don’t rightly feel my redneckness has anything to do with my affliction,” Buddy bellowed outside the clinic, while standing next to his multi-flagged pick-up truck.

“I came here to take full advantage of my God-given right to have someone, other than my cousin-sister wife, make me feel better,” he added as he expectorated another glob of chewing-tobacco infused saliva to an already heaping pile on the pavement.

Clinic’s CCTV spies Buddy “peeling out” after first appointment

The physiotherapist in question offered a second opinion.

“Right from his very first appointment, I had to ask him to remove his knee-high boots, and store them on the front porch of the clinic,” winced (name withheld). “And I had to insist he wear some type of underwear for his second appointment. He said he had no idea how formal the appointments were.”

Even Buddy’s ‘best friend’ prefers anonymity

The incidents were not limited to the client’s footwear.

“He constantly asked if I would share a beer with him during our sessions, but only after he had opened one with his few remaining teeth. The photo he provided for his file was a burnt out car in front of his ‘thankfully unharmed trailer’”.

Trailer allegedly survived the car fire

“Oh, did I mention his breath? It was of the calibre one could cut with a knife, and I could see it; even in my dimly lit studio!” the therapist said as she continued to wretch.

As restitution for his ‘shocking’ discovery, Buddy has requested a sincere apology from his therapist.

From its perspective, BC Interior Health has assured him the physiotherapist should not have made that determination; however, the official diagnosis is to be confirmed by a qualified social worker.

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2023 03 19

“Table-for-one sign” deemed legal (#105)

Beaconsfield, QC – Canada’s reputation as a polite, if not overly so, nation is about to make an abrupt about turn. The 180° about-face in the country’s worldwide eminence will likely be attributed to a recent provincial-court decision in which the elevation of the standard middle finger was deemed to be a right to freedom of expression covered by the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

“Hear this? May I turn it up for you?”

In his 26-page decision, Judge Dennis Galiatsatos declared, “Flipping the proverbial bird is a God-given, charter-enshrined right that belongs to every red-blooded Canadian!”

His honour clearly doesn’t expect to be sued by his god, nor any Canadian suffering from anemia.

The Boy Scouts of Canada are looking forward to the return of their salute from those who commandeered it as a euphemism for what is likely to become Canada’s national “bird”.

Scout’s salute was often accompanied by, “Read between the lines!”

Former Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau could have refrained from mouthing, “Fuddle Duddle,” in parliament over 50 years years ago had Judge Galiatsatos’ ruling been released sooner.

Galiatsatos (left) about to make good use of his own ruling

In the imminently foreseeable future, Canadians of all ages, genders, colours, and ethnicities can stop apologizing as if having graduated summa cum laude from a finishing school, at which we learned to say, “Sorry,” and raise the “tall man” proudly.

Move over Whiskey Jack, Canada has a new national bird

2023 03 12

Dear dougzone22.ca (#104)

Villages of Heart Lake, ON – Launching a dabbling into the world of solicited advice isn’t likely to be easy, but the texts, DMs, emails, and telepathic messages are overwhelming here in the Home Office.

Pete of Carlton, Nottingham, UK wants to know, “How do you win the Stanley Cup?“

The hockey cup no one wears

dougzone: Great question, Pete, but I have never won the Stanley Cup! I would suggest learning to skate without holding onto the boards, buying a really cool stick, and start writing letters to NHL teams. It’s bound to work.

Ralph of Georgetown, ON asks, “How do I thank the woman who first drove me to drink?“

dougzone: Wouldn’t that be a treat, Ralph! Personally, I recommend a gift card mailed anonymously to avoid police involvement. It worked for me!

Sean from Brampton, ON wants to know, “How do I convert my rental storage locker into a cool place to meet cool people?“

dougzone: Sean, I highly recommend reading the rental agreement. After completing that task, ask yourself: How cool are people that would be willing to meet me in a storage locker? Meanwhile, I have to ask, “Where is the unit, and what time?”

Trent,a Mississaugan, has a commuter question: “Where do I catch Caledon Transit’s subway train in Fergus, ON?“

dougzone: T Dog, all of Caledon Transit’s stops are printed on the back of their tokens. Visit a local convenience store to acquire them. Good luck!

Nicole resides in Oakville, and asks, “How do I write a good novel?”

dougzone: What you should do is read all the good novels, then write something that those novelists didn’t. What could be easier?

An example of a popular work of fiction

Dave’s (Amherstburg, ON) question is out of this world: How do I get to space?

dougzone: Space is everywhere you look if you look up. Getting there isn’t as easy. Best suggestion we have is to stowaway on one of those rocketry things. Problem solved.

Simon resides in Toronto, ON, and poses this question: Do you like beer too?

Dougzone: Yes, Simon, I do like beer. You know I do, so stop asking, please!

We get it, Simon!

Ryan from Bolton offers this puzzler: “I was told that bricks are asleep.”

dougzone: Thanks for our first posited statement, Ryan.

Well, it seems the questions weren’t as numerous as first imagined. As soon as there are more, you’ll be the first to see about it!

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2023 03 09

Holy shit: $14 M for Papal security! (#103)

Ottawa, ON – It has been revealed that Canada’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) spent almost $14 million on a security detail for Pope Francis’ apology tour in July 2022. Travel expenses, accommodations, food, and overtime pay in each of four locations across the country were incurred. The visitor elected to travel to Canada to acknowledge the involvement of his band of merry child abusers, in particular their abuse, rape, and murder of indigenous children at their residential schools.

“Canada, eh? I hear the beavertails are to die for!”

But what about his Pontifical Swiss Guard, you ask? This gang of court-jester-like lads are the laughing stalk of the world’s militaries, and prefer to work solely within the confines of the Vatican.

Wouldn’t be caught dead in public. Can you blame them?

Despite the absence of his home grown security, Pope Frank departed for Canada with gay abandon, leaving Canada’s RCMP to provide for his protection.

“Look at me! I’m a Jeepster for your love!”

Not only did the leader of Roman Catholic Church make speeches, hold private meeting with indigenous leaders, but he also milked the assembled masses in Edmonton, and Quebec City at fundraisers called masses! It is not known if he tipped his protective services detail from the proceeds, but it is on-highly doubted.

Were these performers offered protection from known abusers?

When asked about the inordinate cost of this trip’s measures to safeguard the guest, a spokesperson admitted, “It seems the old guy left his wallet in his other cloak.”

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2023 03 02

Dumb guy definitions (#102)

Anywhere, World – As homage to specimen allegedly being Italian for astronaut, and innuendo considered as Latin for suppository, the following are recently discovered definitions as believed by those less worldly.

Chinese checkers – a specialized team of Canadian Border Service agents who deal solely with travelers from the People’s Republic of China.

Dominoes – little known microscopic entities called “Doms” found in nostrils.

Doms invisible at this magnification

Islamophobia – freshman question offered at Psych 101

Pedophile – a dossier on my childhood stuffed rabbit.

“Pedo” before he had a RAP sheet

Transphobia – an unnatural fear of Vietnamese people with a particular surname.

Arachnophobia – doctoral thesis outlining the distinct lack of fear among the citizens of Iraq.

Algorithm – the teachings of America’s 45th Vice President as told by a guy with a speech impediment.

Mr. VP spreading the good word singlehandedly

2023 02 23

Signs of the times (#101)

Truro, UK – An advertisement in a bus stop for McDonald’s McCrispy chicken sandwich has raised a few eyebrows locally. The bus stop in question unfortunately is located next to a road sign that directs motorist to the Penmount Crematorium. Comments about the ad being in poor taste, prompted a representative of the company to suggest, “We were not aware of the bus stop’s proximity to a crematorium, and have asked that the advert be removed.”

No McCrispys available here* (*actual bus stop and crematorium sign)

Surely this isn’t the only situation in which a billboard can be misplaced either deliberately, or accidentally.

For instance, this advert placed near a brothel could be deemed controversial, if not misleading.

This guy’s a tool

Can you imagine the discomfort induced in potential patients if this sign were posted in close proximity of a urology clinic?

Don’t come near my faucet with wrench!

The posting of this particular signage anywhere close to a venue in which AA meetings are held would have to amount to entrapment!

Mmmm beer!

And this final display in the vicinity of a synagogue, gurdwara, mosque, or temple would be tantamount to invasion of privacy…

although it would be perfectly acceptable adjacent to a bank or credit union!

2023 02 15

Spy balloons from around the world (#100)

NORAD HQ (undisclosed location) – With all the excitement generated over the errant Chinese weather balloon that was alleged to be a spy balloon, other countries, interested in downsizing espionage budgets, are proposing balloons of their own.