Terms come to terms with their terms

Brampton, ON – In a dimly lit and deserted strip-mall basement, an intrepid group of terms including Back-to-School, Halloween, Black Friday, Boxing Day, and the long-forgotten White Sale recently organized a support group at which to air their beefs.

Inaugural group photo

“Speaking” fiscally chronologically, Back-to-School kicked-off the inaugural session.

“I want to thank all of you for attending,” Back-to-School said, “I would have liked to have seen more of us as I believe we share the same concern. We are all overworked!”

With the pleasantries out of the way, Back-to-School continued.

“Personally, I used to work about two weeks in late August, then it was the entire month, and recently I was stretched to six weeks! Educators hate me, students hate me, although parents love me, but educators who are parents just drink more!”

“Oh, I hear you Back-to-School,” Halloween interjected, “people used to throw together a costume on the 30th, and be done with me. Now there are pop-up costume stores shortly after Labour Day, and some arseholes start a countdown to the next one of me on All Saints Day!

“Oh, boo-hoo!!” whined Black Friday, “As far back as I can remember, I was a single day after American Thanksgiving. Then the Canadians got wind of it, so I am working both sides of the border now, and there are some pre-sale days too. Next thing I know, I have a sibling, Cyber Monday, so the house is topsy-turvy for an entire weekend.

“Yeah, the Black Friday ads start in early November,” Back-to-School concurred.

“Luxury!” bellowed Boxing Day, “Admittedly the Americans haven’t figured me out yet, but those damn Canadians have adjusted my schedule to Pre-Boxing Day, and a goddamn Boxing Week! At least I don’t have the gun-play that you have, Black Friday.”

A typical Black Friday

Meanwhile, White Sale remained quiet for fear of saying something that could be mistaken as “privileged”.


2021 08 12

Man attempts to board plane via luggage carousel

Derby, UK – The East Midlands Airport was all abuzz this week after a 34-year old man, who missed the last call for his flight, dove onto the intake luggage carousel in what was seen as an attempt to board his flight anyway.

Are you late? Right this way!

“Bloody hell!” exclaimed ticket agent William “Bloody Hell” Snetterton-Lewis, “We had to summon the local constabulary.”

Leicestershire police were quick to respond to the “security breach”.

Special Constable Rodney Bailiwick reported, “I says to my partner, ‘We’ve got ourselves a real John McClane here, all right!’

More than one way to board a plane

“Bloody hell,” Snetterton-Lewis interrupted, “We can’t have passengers back behind the rubber flaps. The outsiders can’t be seeing how quickly we get to losing luggage, nor the fully stocked lounge we maintain back there. There’s nothing like a tall malt to kick-start the day!”

Once apprehended, Dan Baraniecka of Gdansk had a simple explanation.

“Een old country, you miss final boarding call, you are instantly flying Samsonite Air, eef you are catching my drift.”

Sansonite Air now boarding through the rubber flaps

Snetterton-Lewis was instantly enraged.

“Bloody hell! That means another sensitivity-training session for us ticket agents. Wasn’t the whole idea of voting Leave so we could avoid dealing with foreigners?”


2021 08 08

Current dumb-guy questions

In her lawsuit against Disney, Is Scarlett Johansson over-playing the White Privilege card after playing a black widow?

Hot to trot to court

If I traipse across Canada in my proudly unvaccinated body, can I become Prime Minister? (Maxine Bernier only)

“Why is this “glory hole” so disappointing?” asks cellar dweller in parents’ basement.

Why is the peaceful demonstration at the US Capitol still getting air-play?

Nothing to see here!

What is the real story behind Justin Trudeau’s missing beard?

Since polar bears live in the Arctic, and penguins live in the Antarctic, how do they mate?

If salt is spilt there, does Iceland melt?

Are craft-beer farts better for environment than macro-beer farts, because they sure smell better?

There’s no way anyone heard that one

If I trim the bushes in my front yard, will my porch look bigger?


2021 08 05

New world record established

Inuvik, NT – Not since Olympic Hide & Seek was first brought to the world’s attention on December 14, 1972 by Monty Python’s Flying Circus has there been so much excitement about the event. Just recently, in this small town in Canada’s Northwest Territories, a new world record was established. The new mark set for a hide is now 890 million years!

“The level of skill exhibited is Gretzky-esque!” exclaimed Elizabeth Turner, professor of earth sciences at Laurentian University in Sudbury, ON, “Bloody impressive if I do say so myself.”

Not your typical roadmap

This Hide exceeds by far the previous record of 588 million years.

“Hides of this duration are typically referenced as fossils,” Turner confided.

Turner pictured on the prowl in Nunavut

Paleontologists, long considered as Seekers in the world of science, are astonished at this latest discovery.

Paleontologists, long considered as Seekers in the world of science, are astonished at this latest discovery.

Speaking freely at Diamond Tooth Gertie’s Gambling Hall in Dawson City Yukon, Dale “The Rock” Hammer said, “So close, and yet so far away.  That’s how the petrographically identical vermiform microstructure crumbles.”

And the winner is…

The fossil in question was not so exuberant.

 “Damn it!” the vermiform-microstructured organism is believed to have said, “Shall we have another go? 1, 2, 3, 4 …”


2021 07 29



Reporter sacked; mud infuriated

Bad Münstereifel, DE – In preparation for a live report from this town in western Germany, Susanna Ohlen was seen smearing mud on herself in order to feign having aided in the clean-up after the devastating floods. Ohlen is no longer employed by the German network RTL, and the mud in question is livid.

Sad sack

“I was mudnapped!” exclaimed the spokesmud through a Mud-German-English translator. “I wasn’t consulted ahead of the smearing. This was a smear job, all right.”

It seems mud has had about enough of its name being literally dragged through itself.

“I am seeking counsel as to how to proceed; I feel this derogatory language has to end,” mud oozed vehemently, “Terms like mudslinging, and getting down in the mud have to go.”

The casual onlooker, who captured video of Ms. Ohlen prepping herself, concurred.

“Jawohl, Diese Scheiße ist wirklich passiert! Der Schlamm wurde nicht konsultiert*,” Argo Nerd testified.

*Amateur translation due to prohibitive cost of earlier translator: “Yes, that shit really happened. The mud was not consulted.”

Some mud gets all the luck

Mud continued, “Some mud gets glamour posts; for example, the mud in that Suits episode when Donna went to the spa. My friend worked that gig, and couldn’t wait to get all up in that! Meanwhile I got slathered unceremoniously on some hack reporter.”

It is felt we have not heard the end of this.

“Has Every Mud Matters been copyrighted yet?” mud asked rhetorically.


2021 07 24

Woman proves God can’t drive

Beachwood, OH – Local police were called to the scene of a crash in which a 31-year-old unnamed driver (so let’s call her Dumby McDumbass) ran a red light, hit two cars, and a light standard before coming to a complete stop in a house!

The driver was quoted as saying, “I let God take the wheel, and look what happened!”

God, not pictured here, not a fan of the Ford Taurus apparently

As a result, atheists worldwide have concluded that God doesn’t exist.

“She clearly offered him the wheel,” Al “The Atheist” Jehovah offered, “He didn’t answer the call. QED”

In God’s defence, an equally deluded police officer suggested, “She was clocked at 120 mph, so God likely had no time to take the wheel.”

The woman’s child, and fellow passenger, was taken to hospital after sustaining a head injury.

“I am only eleven, and I know what mommy did was wrong! It being a Sunday, God was too busy monitoring all the church services to drive her car,” the child said misinformedly.

The driver admitted to having lost her job recently, and was going through some “trials and tribulations”.

She will definitely be enduring at least one more trial.


2021 07 21

“Going Viral” seeks makeover

San Francisco, CA – As if able to see the handwriting on the wall, “Going Viral” hopes to cling to its fragile hold on the modern lexicon through an unimagined rebranding. It would prefer not to end up on a heap with the likes of “Oh, Snap”, “Juke”, and “Owe Me a Coke” if at all possible.

Puff the magic baby

Anyone who has seen the Smoking Baby, 2 Girls; 1 Cup, or any one of the multitude of nut-crunching skateboard clips, the turn of phrase “Going Viral” is no surprize. Speaking from within Urban Dictionary, “Going Viral” blames the pandemic.

A couple of entrepreneurs

“All was going well, until the entire world literally went viral!” the catchy saying lamented ironically. “If I can re-imagine myself, there may be a chance.”

“Going Viral” realizes longevity in the business of words is quirky.

“My colleagues “Cool”, “Oh, Man” (although obviously sexist), and “Shit!” have had unparalleled careers. I have to find a way to stick around.”


One common locution is particularly annoying to “Going Viral”.

“While I still have your attention, there is one term that is very arrogant around our clubhouse. Considering it suggests the impossible, “Go Fuck Yourself” sure seems to have a death grip on longevity. Man, I really wish it would fornicate elsewhere!”

While “Going Viral” searches for a new identity, it may find “Gone Viral” is its new designation all too soon.


2021 07 11

Mass murderer/child-abuser offers to crowd-source its “Sorry about that” fund for survivors

Regina, SK –The Roman Catholic Bishops of Saskatchewan, speaking anonymously through a press release (see names below), have suggested they will restarted a fundraising campaign promised 5 years ago to Canada’s Indigenous people.

Band of Brothers

“Yeah, we dropped the ball on that promise to Canada’s indigenous people, I mean who hasn’t. We sort of got distracted by another Indiegogo project we have to renovate Hole Rosary Cathedral in Regina. Oops, our bad,” Bishop Don “Don ye now our…” Bolen wrote under the letterhead.

The original fundraiser for the survivors of Roman Catholic Indigenous residential schools was suggested to be $25 million.

This shack needs the money more

The Most Reverend Bryan “BB” Bayda added, “The $17 million we targeted for the Cathedral seemed a lot more doable!”

The idea of crowd-sourcing the money for a Roman Catholic church wrongdoing seems misdirected.

Chiming in, as if choirboys once again, Most Rev. Murray “Chit-Chat” Chatlain, Mark “I’ll take the hag” Hagemoen, and Stephen “I’m no” Hero added, “We were all for using GoFundMe, which we jokingly called “GoFuckMe” in our meetings, but regardless we have found there are non-Catholics who are surprisingly charitable despite not having subject themselves to our version of God, so why not open this up to them too? Lord knows our church can’t afford this one too!”

Dead mass-murderer, Clifford Olson, speaking from Hell, complained, “Damn, crowd=sourcing hadn’t been invited when I got caught. Why do these priests get away with it?”


2021 07 05

Art “critics” abound in Vancouver

Vancouver, BC – When it comes to art critics, the Amateur Art Critic ASSociation of Vancouver’s membership must be busting at the seams. A recent installation of Boy Holding A Shark by the Vancouver Biennale, a once-every-2-year display in operation since 1998, has the citizenry of the posh False Creek neighbourhood all a flutter.

A boy and his fish

The following quotes are a random selection of critiques that have surfaced.

MC M (resident of Tower 16, Unit 435) “This 7.8-metre-tall eyesore blocks my view of the world-renowned False Creek.”

Dolly Ginsipper (resident of Tower 1, unit 1045) “I bought this unit because it once housed a famous Lithuanian ski-jumper, and there was no mention of Boy Holding A Shark moving in.”

Maurice “Pedalpusher” Derailleur (White Rock resident) “The monstrosity will draw a crowd, and clog the bike path I frequent daily!”

Waldo Penny-Pincher (refused to identify his residence’s location) “Oh, the resale value of my space is sure to drop, although I never plan to sell.”

Anonymous “I am not a racist, but I read the artist is Chinese.”

To date, almost 1400 denigrators have signed an online petition.

The artist, Chen Wenling, indicates the piece is a “reflection on the growing tension between humans and the ocean.”

As for the Boy Holding A Shark himself, we reached out.

Eww, it’s melting!

Through a statue-to-human translator*, he moaned, “Have you ever held a fish? Now, take that feeling, and compound it with the fact this shark is melting! I will be seeking restitution for my dry cleaning once this gig ends!”

*Like everything else in Vancouver, an expensive acquisition.


2021 06 16