Hamilton, ON – Officials of the City of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada have advised the public of the discovery of a 26-year-old sewage leak in Hamilton Harbour! It is believed a contractor mistakenly made a hole that resulted in excrement from a small neighbourhood to be mixed with the water from storm sewers.

The culvert to the harbour is said to be 2.5 metres square and there are only 50 homes on that line, “So the anticipated amount released should be far less that the 24 billion litres we leaked in to Chedoke Creek over the course of four years,” one Hamilton employee commented in an attempt to minimize the severity of the current discovery.

Holy shithole, Batman!

The site of the latest shitstorm is the Hamilton Oshawa Port Authority Pier on Hamilton Harbour which feeds into Lake Ontario.

Ahoy, Dookie!

While cruising Hamilton Harbour for evidence, our intrepid reporter encountered Whoopsy LaMerde bobbling out to Lake Ontario. It had a different take on treatment plants.

“Those “treatment plants” are rumoured to be cleansing camps in my world!” LaMerde grunted, “Isn’t that kind of place pooh-poohed in your world too?”

Asked to corroborate his story, Whoopsy contributed, “I have heard of fellow turds entering, and nothing but the paperwork ever leaves.”

Madame Mayor holding her breath there’s a solution

Meanwhile, the Mayor of Hamilton has formed a committee to spin this latest dump of news into something positive.

Early findings include:

1. Contracting The Police to re-release De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da as a campaign song to lighten the mood. (Link to YouTube)

2. If The Police don’t come through, then perhaps Tim & Eric can be coerced to allow their Doo Dah Doo Doo! to be used. (Another YouTube link)

3. If all else fails, City council is recommending to re-activate the old line: “We drove to Hamilton, so I could kiss her where it smells!” as a tourism tagline.

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