Tim Hortons’ “Holy Grail” debunked

(Primer: In the world of bagel preparation, it is accepted an initial cut is made horizontally, and a second cut, made perpendicularly to the initial cut, is performed to make the food item more socially acceptable for consumption. The following article deals specifically with said second cut.)

Gravenhurst, ON – Tim Hortons Inc. is a multinational fast food restaurant chain. It is Canada’s largest quick-service restaurant chain, with 4 846 restaurants in 14 countries as of December 31, 2018. The introduction of bagels to the menu created an issue. Marketing Manager, Sue Muskoka, explained.

“The introduction of bagels to our menu created an issue,” she said redundantly. “In order to maintain our quick-service restaurant status, we had to activate our Time Study personnel. Bagel prepped requires plenty of time.”

The shape of a bagel appeared to create an unforeseen problem.

Bagel-styled bondage

“In our study, the bagel’s shape created a problem, “Sue said as if confirming an order. “Health & Safety examiners noted the awkwardness of the item, so we purchased bagel-slicing templates. Now, you add overhead to the cost analysis.”

What about the “Holy Grail” of the bagel offering: the second cut.

The excessively costly “Holy Grail”

Sue, who obviously worked her way up the ranks from kitchen to the managerial level, rephrased the question, “Now everyone wants to know about the second cut. Our cost analysis indicated an additional cutting surface would be required to actuate the second slice, so we elected to train our people to refrain from performing the entire second carve.”

But what of the inconvenience to customers who drive with their knees at 120 km/h while attempting to separate their bagels halves?

“That is nothing compared to the social media posts we endure when a customer mistakenly receives a completely cut bagel! Sue exclaimed. “Our cost analysis neglected to include the expense for additional social-media handlers!”

One lucky bastard ate safely


2021 09 01

Author: dougzone22

Canadian. My posts will be like the beer I drink: crafty!

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